I Have Decided
The thing I love about this blog is that we're allowed to be frankly honest about things. So I'm going to be frankly honest with you about something that I've only ever written about in my journal and talked to my Mom about.
Last year we all talked a lot about being unhappy, particularly because of the stress caused by school. But I was actually a bit more than unhappy. I never got clinically diagnosed or anything, but I had all the classic symptoms and signs of depression, and I'd taken about five online depression tests, all of which came back positive. I know those are probably not super reliable, but still. It just got to the point that I didn't enjoy any of my hobbies anymore, I slept way more than I ever have before and hated waking up in the morning, which is completely unlike me because I am 100% a morning person, and every day it felt like I had to force myself to put on a happy face and wind myself up for the day. Though I never contemplated suicide, there were times when I just gave up and would cry in my bed and not even attempt my school work because everything felt really pointless. There was no driving force in my life. Depression runs in my family, so I shouldn't have been surprised that I was exhibiting the symptoms. But I'm such an independent person that I always feel like things like that happen to people who depend on others for their happiness, when my philosophy in life is that you make your life what YOU want it to be. Depression just didn't fit into the picture I'd created for my life, so when it creeped up, I tried to ignore it, I never talked about it, and I just assumed it would go away. It even feels really weird talking about it right now because this little voice in the back of my head is telling me that it wasn't real and that no one will think I'm serious. But I can't deny the truth that I was a very very unhappy person last year.
The summer did me a lot of good. I had more time to devote to my old hobbies, so I redeveloped an interest in many of the things that I'd lost interest in. I also didn't have grades to worry about, so that was one less source of stress contributing to my mental state. Also over the summer, I told my Mom about what I was experiencing, and she helped me pick out some vitamins that help balance out my hormones and whatnot to help combat the off-kilter chemistry in my brain that's most likely causing the depression. It was also a comfort to know that she has struggled and still struggles at times with the same things. Now that it's a new school year, I'm still not 100% the happy carefree girl with lots of hobbies that I used to be, but I'm definitely making gains. The vitamins have definitely helped a lot. I don't dread waking up in the morning, and I don't sleep for excessive amounts anymore. I've actually been reading books for the past few weeks, though slowly but surely! I've been writing again, although I haven't been watching TV much, but simply for lack of time. My classes are way less stressful this year than last, so I don't have to worry about my grades so much (also I realized that grades are pointless, and good grades are way too often mistaken for good education). Also, getting into college has definitely helped me because I can relax about school almost entirely.
But to be completely honest, the biggest thing that's helped me start to return to my old self is God. We talk about God a lot on this blog, and that's certainly no coincidence. The thing about my being depressed last year is that I left God out to dry. I started to think that the only person who could help me was myself--that's a flaw in my independent personality--but I didn't know how to help myself because I wasn't measuring up to my friends or the ridiculous standard I'd made for myself. Looking back, it's so crazy that I was blocking God out, because He was doing amazing things in my life and I wasn't even paying attention! I found my dream college, I joined Unified Sports and Fellowship of Christian Athletes, I started listening exclusively to Word FM, MF started coming to church with me. But even with all those things He introduced me to, I was still pushing him away and trying to take on the weight of the world myself.
I don't know when exactly I let go, but I think it was that night that I wrote a blog post about, which you can read here.
Ever since then, I've made the decision to be happy. I'm trying to exercise the power of positive thinking. My relationship with God has improved exponentially over the past year, because I've been trying to give up the things I used to try to handle all by myself to Him. I probably sound like a babbling Jesus freak, but that's basically because I am one. When you get so unhappy that you don't know what to do, it's like He's the only one standing there, He's the only constant. He was the only One who could lift me back up and make me a person again, because I'd lost the ability to be a person on my own. And I can't ignore that. I can't ignore the blessings He's given me, I can't ignore the blinding fact that He's the only reason why I'm so much happier now than I was before. I don't think there's a such thing as someone who doesn't believe in God. I think there are only people who ignore Him. Because His unfailing presence and unwavering love are undeniable. In the nights when I would cry myself to sleep, He would always be in the back of my thoughts. It just took me a while to acknowledge Him. It took me a while to acknowledge that the only way I could possibly survive was if I gave my life up to Him and stopped trying to be good enough. There is no such thing as "good enough", and God certainly doesn't require it.
Sometimes it feels like people look on me as someone who has really strong faith. I answer a lot of questions in church and I'm not scared to share my opinion on my beliefs and my denomination with people who ask me questions. I'm not afraid of praying, I love going to things like Uprise and I talk openly about my church. But I struggle internally so much. I have so many questions and fears and I'm so stubborn with God. Through my depression last year, I came to realize that there is no alternative to Him. There is no way to live without Him. There is no one on earth who will love you the way He does. He is truth, He is comfort, and He is your best friend. So I have decided to be happy because He makes me happy.
This post has been really heavy and really hard for me to write because it's incredibly revealing of something I was and still am dealing with that I've told exactly one person (my Mom) about. So I just want to say thank you for reading it and being the amazing blog followers that you all are. And if you're struggling with something similar to what I was struggling with last year, know that there is a God out there who will never leave you or forsake you, and who loves you no matter what your grades are, no matter the things you've done, no matter if you're "good enough".
-VaughnDL
Last year we all talked a lot about being unhappy, particularly because of the stress caused by school. But I was actually a bit more than unhappy. I never got clinically diagnosed or anything, but I had all the classic symptoms and signs of depression, and I'd taken about five online depression tests, all of which came back positive. I know those are probably not super reliable, but still. It just got to the point that I didn't enjoy any of my hobbies anymore, I slept way more than I ever have before and hated waking up in the morning, which is completely unlike me because I am 100% a morning person, and every day it felt like I had to force myself to put on a happy face and wind myself up for the day. Though I never contemplated suicide, there were times when I just gave up and would cry in my bed and not even attempt my school work because everything felt really pointless. There was no driving force in my life. Depression runs in my family, so I shouldn't have been surprised that I was exhibiting the symptoms. But I'm such an independent person that I always feel like things like that happen to people who depend on others for their happiness, when my philosophy in life is that you make your life what YOU want it to be. Depression just didn't fit into the picture I'd created for my life, so when it creeped up, I tried to ignore it, I never talked about it, and I just assumed it would go away. It even feels really weird talking about it right now because this little voice in the back of my head is telling me that it wasn't real and that no one will think I'm serious. But I can't deny the truth that I was a very very unhappy person last year.The summer did me a lot of good. I had more time to devote to my old hobbies, so I redeveloped an interest in many of the things that I'd lost interest in. I also didn't have grades to worry about, so that was one less source of stress contributing to my mental state. Also over the summer, I told my Mom about what I was experiencing, and she helped me pick out some vitamins that help balance out my hormones and whatnot to help combat the off-kilter chemistry in my brain that's most likely causing the depression. It was also a comfort to know that she has struggled and still struggles at times with the same things. Now that it's a new school year, I'm still not 100% the happy carefree girl with lots of hobbies that I used to be, but I'm definitely making gains. The vitamins have definitely helped a lot. I don't dread waking up in the morning, and I don't sleep for excessive amounts anymore. I've actually been reading books for the past few weeks, though slowly but surely! I've been writing again, although I haven't been watching TV much, but simply for lack of time. My classes are way less stressful this year than last, so I don't have to worry about my grades so much (also I realized that grades are pointless, and good grades are way too often mistaken for good education). Also, getting into college has definitely helped me because I can relax about school almost entirely.
But to be completely honest, the biggest thing that's helped me start to return to my old self is God. We talk about God a lot on this blog, and that's certainly no coincidence. The thing about my being depressed last year is that I left God out to dry. I started to think that the only person who could help me was myself--that's a flaw in my independent personality--but I didn't know how to help myself because I wasn't measuring up to my friends or the ridiculous standard I'd made for myself. Looking back, it's so crazy that I was blocking God out, because He was doing amazing things in my life and I wasn't even paying attention! I found my dream college, I joined Unified Sports and Fellowship of Christian Athletes, I started listening exclusively to Word FM, MF started coming to church with me. But even with all those things He introduced me to, I was still pushing him away and trying to take on the weight of the world myself.
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| Here's me and JC. :) |
Ever since then, I've made the decision to be happy. I'm trying to exercise the power of positive thinking. My relationship with God has improved exponentially over the past year, because I've been trying to give up the things I used to try to handle all by myself to Him. I probably sound like a babbling Jesus freak, but that's basically because I am one. When you get so unhappy that you don't know what to do, it's like He's the only one standing there, He's the only constant. He was the only One who could lift me back up and make me a person again, because I'd lost the ability to be a person on my own. And I can't ignore that. I can't ignore the blessings He's given me, I can't ignore the blinding fact that He's the only reason why I'm so much happier now than I was before. I don't think there's a such thing as someone who doesn't believe in God. I think there are only people who ignore Him. Because His unfailing presence and unwavering love are undeniable. In the nights when I would cry myself to sleep, He would always be in the back of my thoughts. It just took me a while to acknowledge Him. It took me a while to acknowledge that the only way I could possibly survive was if I gave my life up to Him and stopped trying to be good enough. There is no such thing as "good enough", and God certainly doesn't require it.
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| I really like this painting because it reminds me of my friends and me! |
This post has been really heavy and really hard for me to write because it's incredibly revealing of something I was and still am dealing with that I've told exactly one person (my Mom) about. So I just want to say thank you for reading it and being the amazing blog followers that you all are. And if you're struggling with something similar to what I was struggling with last year, know that there is a God out there who will never leave you or forsake you, and who loves you no matter what your grades are, no matter the things you've done, no matter if you're "good enough".
-VaughnDL
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