These are the days that must happen to you

I'm so hesitant to post this. I'm probably going to write it all out and never post it. I'm getting to the point in my life where time is a big deal. When I was a kid I never thought about time. I didn't think I would live forever but life felt so vast and long. Now I'm realizing things like, I'll be forty in nineteen years, my parents are selling our house next year, I need to get a job, I could be married in the next ten or fifteen years, I could have kids in that time frame. It's daunting and terrifying. Life doesn't feel so long anymore. I realize that I am not the only one that thinks this way. There are thousands of juniors in college feeling the exact same way, scared of everything.

After my brother graduated from college everyone was excited. Everyone knew that Brady was going to succeed. My brother is a capitol police officer, it was the first job he interviewed for and he got it. My brother is extroverted, charismatic and very hard working. I'm not trying to downplay Brady's work ethic or say that life has always been easy for him. My brother has always known what he wanted to do and he'll do anything to get it. At the time I had no idea what I wanted to do. I remember being stopped at the Leitersburg church and ran into a mutual friend of ours. She asked me what was going on with Brady. I told her about his job and she smiled at me and said something along the lines of, "God has planned out his life so perfectly." All I could do was smile at her and nod. It wasn't until the end of the conversation that I realized that she hadn't asked about me.

At the time I had no idea what I was doing with my life. I'm just now realizing how blatantly lost I was in life. All I could think about was how much I wanted and needed to move away. I was going to a school that I didn't know if I liked. This was probably around the time that I still didn't have a major picked out. It truly felt like everyone else had everything figured out. I started taking social work classes and they made me happy. Those classes made me feel like I had a purpose. My sophomore year of college I started to get closer to people and I met some really great friends. They were the kind of people that I wanted to be around. They were honest, kind and accepting. I felt safe to come out and be myself around them. It wasn't until I left that I realized how much I needed that.

I felt lost again when I came to Salisbury. I remember a few months in I called one of my friends, crying. I told them that I didn't know if I was making the right decision. I didn't know if it was the right decision to move away. I didn't know if I would fit in with this new group of people. After I got into the Social Work program I was thrilled but I still didn't know that many people. The beginning of this semester was also difficult. My classes became more time consuming and difficult. The friends I had made started to distant themselves and I wanted to go home all the time. I would go to my room after class and cry. I didn't feel like I could complain because I asked for this. I wanted to move away.

I dealt with this by throwing myself into my work and reading. I've read forty books this year...I know. I am completely shocked by this. I started reading fantasy books again and I didn't realize how much I needed that. I got so much joy from reading again and I can't describe how happy that made me. I would pull out my book any chance I could. I think I fell out of love with reading in 2016 and that was simply because college is busy. I'm so glad that I've had the opportunity to do that. I've also focused more on school. I've never really liked school and now I'm able to focus completely on something I love (my major). I've enjoyed pushing myself to be better and getting to see the fruition of that. Some people can't always see that. I would be criticized by my friends for reading and not talking to people. They would say that I was focusing too much on school and not enjoying myself. It hurt me that they couldn't see how passionate I was about the things I love. It made me question what I was doing which was the last thing I needed. I felt thrown off again. I'm just now realizing that I'm doing the right thing for me. It doesn't matter what someone else thinks because this brings me joy.

I was also able to have an internship this summer which I am incredibly lucky to have. In Social Work we have 'field'. Field is essentially an internship for someone's senior year. I was very adamant that I wanted to have an internship in the mental health field. When I went to my meeting for field I was told that most likely wasn't going to happen. Internships in the mental health field are mostly for the masters program. So I ended up picking something else. Then last week I got an email from my adviser who asked to meet with me. She told me that there was an internship at hospital in the psychiatric ward and asked if I wanted to interview for it. Of course I said yes. She did tell me that they only take four interns so there is a huge possibility that I won't get it. I think it was the fact that my adviser would give me the chance because I couldn't have gotten it on my own.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is full of ups and downs. We're constantly told through media that one day our life will be perfect. You'll be happy when you get married, have kids, get a job, retire...it's a load of bullsh*t. It's hard for me to explain my life right now because it's not perfect but it's also not miserable. Do I struggle with the social part of college? Yes. Do I wish that I could have Colt with me everyday? Absolutely. Do I miss my friends? Everyday. Do I just want a hug and verbal confirmation that I'm doing the right things? Of course. There will never be a point in my life where everything is perfect. There are things that I want in my life that are not attainable right now. I'm doing the work now so that I can have those realities later. Even those dreams will not be the idealistic hopes I have right now. That's okay. There will always be people who criticize and don't understand why you do the things you do. There will be times when you question your capability and strength. The present will one day be the past. One day I will look back at this point in my life and I don't think I'll be as harsh to myself as I am now. I hope I remember how hard I worked for what I wanted. I hope I remember the little acts of kindness that were shown to me. We're all doing the best we can.

DFTBA
-AB