It's Going To Be Okay

I'm typing this on my phone because I'm to lazy and tired to turn my laptop on.

Today, wow.

Today was my first day of classes and I was exhausted by the end of it. It was overwhelming, as most first days are. I would think back to last year and how lost and worried I felt. I never felt like I was standing on solid ground. How is this year going to be any different? How am I not going to be drained?

There are many practical responses to these questions...yet, I don't want to hear any of them. Call that whatever you want. 

When I got home, I talked to Fiona, let dogs out and fell right onto the bed and started to fall asleep.

"I am drained," I think. "I can't even list all the things that are draining me.

Later tonight I started to worry because I felt nothing. I didn't have any compassion, love, sympathy, effs to give etc.

Tears fill my eyes as I try to think of things to do. Not just things I could do today but tomorrow and the day after that. I think about hiking, looking for a new church, trying to pray...None of it seemed appealing, it all felt and feels daunting.

Then Colt pushes my door open and lays at the end of my bed. It takes me a few minutes but I get up and sit with him, then I lay down and then he lays down with me.

Dogs can sense pain, sadness, confusion and any other somewhat shitty thing. I put my arm around him and lay my face in his neck.

This is perfect.

I don't know how long we stay there, I'm not crying, I'm not upset, I'm okay.

It's going to be okay.

It's going to be okay.

It's going to be okay.

I know this because I know God even is we're struggling, because my dog tells me so and because I just know.

DFTBA

-AB