Easter 2017

No full congregation, no fancy songs and most of all, no being fake

I woke up this morning and immediately shot up from my bed. I realized that it was Easter Sunday and I groaned. I would have to get up, take a shower, get dressed, slap a smile on my face and go to church. I sat up in my bed and the first thing that I thought was, “I don’t want to go, I don’t want to be fake today.” Then I felt that immediate sense of guilt and I told myself that I had to go to church because that’s what you do on Easter Sunday. It’s like a day of school that you don’t and can’t miss, It’s a day that everyone goes to school.

I always believed that church, dressing up and smiling was imperative on Easter. So this morning, I walked around my house and started to get to work. I ate breakfast, I cleaned my room and I started to plan out my time. In the chaos of cleaning I saw my bible, the bible I haven’t picked up since I left church. It’s a new bible that I bought for this new season of life. It’s nothing like my old bible, it’s not torn, filled with post it notes and twenty different colored highlighters. This bible is the exact opposite. I picked it up and put it back in its normal spot, there wasn’t time to read it, I had to get ready to be fake.

“Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?” I ask myself.

I immediately stop cleaning, pick up the bible and sit on my bed. I am surrounded by laundry and random stuff on the floor. I flipped all the way back to John where Jesus is crucified and resurrected. I was almost angry because I wasn’t getting anything out of it. Then I realize, this is why we go to church, we have to translate this stuff somehow. I don’t know how to get something new from a story that I have read so many times. I was angry because how could I not get the beauty of it? Jesus died for me and then came back to life. I know that, that is huge but I don’t think Jesus wants us to do that. I don’t think Jesus wants us to read the same story every Easter and get something new out of the story. I think Jesus wants us to accept the love that was the resurrection and move on. I don’t know exactly what that means. That’s just what Jesus is telling me and so I write it. Take it and do with it what you will, I’ve probably pissed some people off.
So after I read the story, I started flipping through the bible and I saw a verse.

“Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” Amos 3:3

That sums up my walk with Jesus, that felt so real to me when I read it. I started my path with Jesus when I acknowledged that he was my savior. In the beginning, we walked, hand in hand and everything was great. I felt clean, safe and loved. Then the newness of our relationship began to wear off and life got harder. I started suffering mental illness, I became suicidal and I let go of Jesus’s hand. If Jesus truly loved me then he would fix this. Then I realized I couldn’t do life alone so I took Jesus’s hand and went back to church. Then I let go of Jesus’s hand because I depended on the people of the church to be there. I didn’t even realize that I had let go of Jesus’s hand, I was so in love with Christians. Then Christians hurt me and it took me while but I went back to holding Jesus’s hand. Then I found out I was gay and I let go Jesus’s hand for a long time because I thought he hated me. So instead of holding Jesus’s hand, I held on to books and I leaned on friends. Then I realized that friends aren’t perfect and they can’t always be there so I went back to Jesus.

Jesus and I are on always on a walk, even if sometimes we have to stop. When that hand drops, Jesus doesn’t just keep walking. He waits for me, he reminds me that I am loved and that my pain is only temporary. Sometimes Jesus even picks me up when I can’t go any farther. That’s the beauty of Jesus. You don’t have to go to church to find him, You don’t have to pretend to be perfect, you don’t have to hide your sin, you don’t have to worry about going to heave and you don’t have to read the resurrection story every Easter just to feel him. It’s like this for everyone who follows Jesus, it’s the ultimate love story. It’s not romantic, it’s not always pretty but it’s real.
You just have to agree to walk together and then do it.

That’s my church for today and it happened in my quiet bedroom with a laptop, a silent house, a bible and a congregation of one.

DFTBA
-AB