Peace

I envisioned this week to be stressful and overwhelming. That's exactly what it has been. On Monday I had to take a test for one of my harder classes. It was the second out of the three tests we take. I am not a test taker by any means. I know the information but I freak out and do something completely different. That's what happened with this test. I completely bombed it. I left the testing center, went to my car and cried. On the way to my car I felt God peaking through and I said the first thing that came to my head. "Go away." I wish that I could say that I instantly regretted saying it but I didn't. I felt horrible about other things. I didn't know how to tell my parents that I was potentially going to fail a class that they had paid for. Especially a class that is important to my major and graduating. I felt like an idiot and a jerk. I went home, ignoring my dad because I would have bawled in front of him. When I went inside I found a letter from Fiona. It was a packed envelope, I had no idea what was inside of it. I went back to my room and sat on the floor, still crying. I opened the envelope and saw buttons inside of it. Then I remembered her telling me that she wanted to give me some.

I was still crying when I started to read the letter. The two page letter was about how thankful she was for God and I. I could barely pay attention though because all I could think about was myself. I was irritated that she was talking about how awesome God was. I didn't think that he was all that great right then. After I was finished I grabbed my notebook and started writing back. My letter was completely different. Mine was full of complaining. That didn't bother me at the time. When I was finished writing I remembered that Fiona wanted me to text her when I got the letter. I did and she asked if I wanted to face time later. I didn't but since we don't get the opportunity to face time a lot I decided to take the advantage. I would pull myself together enough to talk to her. As if we need to pull ourselves together to talk to the people who actually know us.

I did some homework and then went to the kitchen to eat dinner. You can only ignore your parents forever. Also your parents automatically know when you're really upset. Especially when you were clearly crying and eating dinner in another room. My mom eventually got to tell me what was wrong and was calm about it. There's really nothing we can do at this point but wait. After I was finished eating I went back to my room to finish more homework. 

Eventually Fiona and I talked. My face was blotchy and my eyes were completely bloodshot from crying. She didn't say anything about it which I was grateful for. We talked about the most random things. Then I realized that she and everyone else would be home soon. I forgot about everything during that two hour conversation. It was good to focus on something else. 

After that the conversation I went to bed without acknowledging God. Today I went to class, came home and felt exhausted. I watched a video about brokenness and it spoke to me. After watching the video a bible verse came to my mind,

His wife said to him, "Are you still maintaining your integrity? Cruse God and die!"He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept Good from God and not trouble?" 

-Job 2:9-10

I had read that bible verse so many times while flipping through my bible. I eventually ended up underlining it. I immediately felt guilty. I was acting ungrateful for so many blessings. Crappy and unfortunate things happen. That's life. I guarantee that in the midst of the crap there is beauty. Do not ignore the beauty. It's everywhere. I should have been more grateful for the letter and the fact that I was able to talk to my best friend. The fact that my best friend wrote me a letter about how she was grateful for me. The fact that I am able to go to college and get a good education. i should have thanked God for all the blessings instead. I shouldn't have told him to go away. As if he actually went away. There is honestly no point in worrying. It is what it is and there is nothing that I can do about it. 

We'll see what happens.

DFTBA

-AB