Ups and Downs

     This has not been a good week for grandmas. My own grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and KM's grandmother passed away this morning. So it's been rough. Not just for me but for everyone I love too, especially KM. At the same time though, I was able to have some really really good conversations with friends I haven't talked to in a long time, which was encouraging. And I got to be home which was refreshing in itself. It just feels like life right now is such a whirlwind of different emotions and different difficult things to deal with. And I'm not very good at dealing with things in general. I tend to deny deny deny. Not even deny...just not accept. I don't know how to describe it. One thing I have realized though is that bad things don't make life itself bad. What I mean by that is that I always assumed that when something "bad" or "devastating" or "upsetting" happened to me, I would fall into this pit of gloom-- the depths of despair if you will (Anne of Green Gables reference, teehee). Like I would lose all energy and start wearing sweatshirts and sweatpants (no offense to people who wear these on the reg... I just don't) and stop doing my school work and just sit around and cry all the time and lose my appetite. And maybe that's what I should be doing, but I'm just not. I'm fine. At least I'm acting fine and I feel pretty fine. Maybe deep down I'm not, but I'm just not addressing that yet. I'm wearing a thought out outfit, I'm sitting here working on like three homework assignments at once and I'm hungry. All my normal body functions are working fine, I show no signs of decreased productivity. And maybe that's because I'm in denial or I'm not accepting the unfortunate things that are happening in my life and the lives of my loved ones. Or maybe it's because I really truly feel like my trust in God has grown in these past two months as I've learned that I have to relinquish control over to Him because I have no power myself. Or maybe it's both. I'm not sure.
     Anyway. I'm back on campus after a glorious four days back in the old hometown. That little taste of home kind of makes me glad I didn't come home for as long as I did...because now I just want to stay there forever! And it's not because I suddenly dislike college or Messiah. It's just that it was nice for things to feel like they used to be. (Minus a large portion of my friends though). Anyway, I'll be home this coming weekend too, so I'm already excited and looking forward to that. Until then, I'll just do what I always do and suck it up and get things done. And on that note, gotta go and write an outline for a speech about geishas! Wahoo!!!! Hope life is going well for you.

-VaughnDL