It's Okay to Fall

     Yesterday was probably the low point of my college career thus far. A culmination of anxiety, stress, and fear hit me and left me feeling utterly overwhelmed and helpless. There was a point at the end of the day when I found myself wondering why I throw all my faith and trust into something I can't see or hear or touch. Only a lunatic would do that. Had I really been kidding myself all these years? It wasn't that I all of a sudden stopped believing in God in that moment but I definitely questioned just how much he cared about what was going on in my life. It certainly felt like he was sitting back in his golden throne, eating some bon bons and waiting for me to crack. And I did. I cracked a little. I was angry. I was tired. I was done. And then God said, "I haven't forgotten about you. Your prayers have not fallen on deaf ears." He didn't really say that to me, but he showed it to me very clearly and I realized, for about the millionth time, that I cannot do everything by myself. I cannot single-handedly fix the world. I pride myself on my independence to the point that it becomes a crutch. I don't ask for favors or help; when it's offered I deny that I need it. And then I crumble and crack because guess what? That's not how it's meant to be. I am not meant to carry the world on my shoulders. No one is. We have friends and families for a reason. We have teachers and mentors and kind strangers for a reason. Let them help. They want to help. And go ahead: feel angry and tired and alone and scared. It's in these low points that we are most honest with ourselves. I needed that doubt because I needed it to be shattered. My faith broke a little last night and God saw that. He saw it break and he didn't stop loving me even when I stopped loving him. It was almost like he had been testing my patience and when I finally said "That's it, I've had enough", he held up his hands and said "Wait! Wait, here, I'll show you. I'll show you what I'm working on. I'm sorry that it's taking time, but I promise you I've been listening. I've been working. I didn't forget."
     While it may seem like I've got my faith figured out, what with different church stuff going on all the time, but that's not true. I keep going to church precisely because I don't have this all figured out. I'm just as much of a lost sheep as the next person over. There have been times, like last night, when I've questioned everything. The very core of it. And let me tell you something I've learned: it's okay to ask questions and have doubts and be lost. It is okay to be angry and scared and tired. Don't hide from it. Don't run away from it. It's meant to be there, because it's from there that God will pull you back up and brush you off and make you better again. You'll have a few cuts and bruises; heck, maybe even a scar. But you'll also have a new happiness and a new hope and a new love inside of you that surpasses anything that was there before.

Day 1032 Song Recommendation: "Hypnotized" by Fever Fever. Thanks to MF for the song rec.

-SE Wagner