#MeatCausesCancer

     So if you haven't heard, the powers that be have decided that red meat causes cancer. I'm not sure why everyone is in such a panic about this, because at this point, just about everything on earth causes cancer, and we might as well all live in hypoallergenic foam boxes.
     Oh, here's another new flash: we're all going to die. I'm not sure if you knew that, so I thought I'd let you know. Now of course, cancer is nothing to joke about, but it's also really nothing to get into a frantic tizzy about either. The treatments for cancer are getting more and more progressive each day, so if you're part of the percentage of people that will inevitably be diagnosed at some point in your life time, your chances of survival and remission are higher than they've ever been before. Plus, more importantly, instead of freaking out about getting cancer (or any other form of disease for that matter) maybe you should try living your life to the fullest. Just a thought. Because if you want to start talking about depressing statistics about health and diseases and all that, here's the most important statistic:

Laundry Detergent. Don't ever do your laundry again.
It's not safe. 

100% of the human population will die.
Some ways to prevent this terminal illness include: nothing. Literally nothing. You're going to die.
Some of the foods that cause death include: all of them. You could choke on any piece of food, or eat so much food your stomach explodes, or slip on a banana peel, or get clobbered in the head with a head of cauliflower, or (and here's a rare one) get cancer from eating a cheeseburger.

Do you see what I'm getting at here? If we started a trending hashtag for everything that has the potential to kill you, the hashtags would look a little like this:

#AvoidBananaPeels
#Live.Laugh.Leeches.
#SayNoToMurderers
#StayAwayFromStaircases
#Don'tLayontheTrainTracks


     I'm not trying to be a smart alec. I'm just trying to emphasize the absurdity of being so paranoid about this one little thing when there are literally thousands of ways to die. There are also thousands of ways to have a great time and live your (short) life to the fullest! Here are a few!

1. Pick some flowers
2. Call up your grandma and ask her about her childhood
3. Go to a high school sporting event
4. Take a class at your local college in an area of interest
5. Go tubing down a creek
6. Just get in the car and drive
7. Live on the wild side and eat a cheeseburger
8. Try yoga
9. Play some pranks with your friends
10. Throw your phone in a lake and see how long you can survive before you head back to Sprint
11. Do something kind for someone
12. Have a "fancy" dinner party, all with food from the frozen section
13. Have a one-man movie marathon
14. Go for a long bike ride somewhere you've never been before
15. Take a nap in a strange location

So there you have it everyone. I just gave you 15 better alternatives than being paranoid that your meat is going to kill you. Enjoy! Also, for those of you still not convinced, here's a song juuusssttt for you. Definitely Adam Levine's best performance.


-VaughnDL