Your Past Is Your Past

When I read DL's post yesterday I cried. God has such weird timing. Yesterday was the day of the speech. I was dreading it. I didn't want people to know about my past and who I was as a person. When I was ten my hair began to fall out. I would come home everyday, go to my room and just cry. There wasn't really a reason I would just cry. I was also a really anxious kid. I didn't tell my mom about it but eventually she found it and that began a year of tests and blood work. This was the beginning of my relationship with God. I was told that I could go to him but when I did go I didn't feel that spiritual connection and I didn't feel myself get better. I began to become an atheist. After a while I found out that I had clinical depression and anxiety disorder. I wouldn't leave my room most days and nobody really understand why. I would just lay in bed with all the lights off and just cry. I had no hope whatsoever. My family couldn't understand what I was going through because from what they saw I had a pretty good life and didn't really have a reason to cry and do nothing. This began a disconnect with my family. After about two years of having depression I began to have suicidal thoughts. I got to the point where I didn't want to die I just didn't want to hurt anymore. I had it all planned out about how I would do it and then I didn't go through with it. I begged God not to send me to hell. If he was there at all. Then there was a voice inside of me told me that he had plans for my life and I had no idea what my life was going to be like someday. I honestly believe that it was God and that verse is Jeremiah 29:11. I had never heard of it before because I barely opened the bible. When I heard it about a year later I couldn't believe it. I began a relationship with God and instead of doing it my way we did it his way and I began to get better because I had a purpose and a reason to live.
Last year was rough and I mean rough. The beginning of this year in a way was kind of worse. I didn't see anybody anymore and I felt beyond alone. I was sitting on my bed and a voice inside my head said "No one would actually care if you were gone." Ultimately at the time I knew that wasn't true but I ignored my emotions rather than just letting myself feel them and that backfired. I began to cling to God again and prayed and prayed and it's getting better.
Even though I don't know what God is doing now I know that doesn't change the fact that he still has that amazing plan for my life. I was reading in the bible that God's plan for our life can't even fit into our head. We cannot even fathom or understand what he is working on. That gives me hope. I'm grateful to have the faith that I do because I never could have gotten through this on my own.

"His anger lasts only a moment, but his kindness lasts for a lifetime. Crying may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning." -Psalm 30:5

This is a painting of Jesus and a man named Dan. Dan's best friend's father painted this painting when Dan was suffering from depression. He later committed suicide. This painting gives me a sense of peace. It reminds me that I am not alone and that Jesus is constantly there for us even when we think he is not.

I love you DL, I really do. If you're ever upset please come to me. I've probably felt the same way before. God understands what you're going through and he already knows how he is going to continue to help you through this.
DFTBA
-AB