Long-Haired No More

WHAT A HOTTIE -DL
Lolllll thanks bae- SE <cry laughing emoji>

     It is official. I'm a short-haired girl. Yesterday morning I took the subway to Chinatown and cut off 12 inches of my hair. When Frances, the hairdresser, tied my hair in two pigtails and poised her scissors over the first ponytail she asked if I was going to cry and I laughed and said, "No, it's just hair. It grows." When she snipped off the first ponytail and then the second I just looked at my butchered hair and it didn't even feel real. In my head I was like "Wow, that was fast." In the few seconds I had between getting my hair hacked off and getting it shampooed I ran a quick hand through it just to feel how short it was and it felt so weird. Then the lady spent like ten minutes shampooing my hair and then gave me a back massage that involved karate chopping my back and I almost started laughing because it was so ridiculous. Then I was back in the chair, showing Frances a picture of the haircut I wanted and she was like "That'll look good. You have a nice, small face so you can pull it off" which is what the shampoo lady said so I was hopeful that I wouldn't look totally retched. Frances started cutting and we talked a bit and it turns out that her kids went to Temple as well and she was like "What's your mom going to say about your hair?" and I knew that my mom would love it no matter what I did to it so I was like she'll probably be like "Oh wow!" And then she was like "You can put it on your Instagram" and I was like "Oh I don't have Instagram" and she's like "You're a good girl." Haha...I just use this blog as my Instagram.

The picture I sent DL with the caption,
"I hate it <crying emoji>" Luckily
this phase didn't last too long.

     Anyway, after she finished cutting it I was like "Thank you! I love it!"...and I did for like a minute, until I caught my reflection in a shop window walking down the street to the subway station and realized I looked like a little boy. I spent the rest of the walk to the subway station and the ride back to campus completely miserable and hating myself, wondering why I ever thought I could pull off "boy short" hair and still feel feminine. I avoided eye contact all the way back to my dorm and when I got in, I locked myself in the bathroom and spent a solid half hour learning to love my hair. I realized I liked it better with a headband and that SURPRISE I look better when I'm smiling and not looking like someone just killed my dearest love. I went out into the room and Rebecca didn't even notice that I'd gotten a haircut until like half an hour later and then she was like "Woah! What?! You got a haircut!" and I was like "Yeah!" and she was like "I thought that you just had your hair up! I like it!" Then when I was walking to Rite Aid to buy some more headbands, I passed Haley and her grandparents and she was like "STOP! No!! I love it!" Throughout the day, the more people I saw who approved of my hair, the more I approved of it myself, which I know is not ideal, but I'm human and I think as a human it's natural to seek other humans' approval. Around five I went over to the apartment of one of the girls from family group for a "girls night" and we sat around, watching Pretty Little Liars, The Office, and half of The Princess Bride, talking and eating junk food and cheese steaks and hot chocolate and then we made face masks and did our nails. It was fun to just hang out with a bunch of girls and listen to music and look slightly ratchet together.

     This morning we had church, so there was a whole new set of people who had yet to react to my hair. My favorite comment is "Did you get a haircut?" or "You cut your hair?" I don't really know how to respond to this, except to use SR's infamous line, "Nah, it just fell out." It's funny because when I got my hair cut I just assumed that every guy would hate it because long hair is conventionally attractive and short hair is conventionally not attractive, so I was shocked when two guys from my family group used the "L" words--"love" and "like"--to describe my hair. Whether they meant it or not doesn't really matter; it's just the idea that they're willing to put aside what they may or may not actually be thinking in order to be nice that makes me happy. 

No going back now!

     I think overall cutting my hair has taught me that a) I'm still a very insecure person who requires validation from other people and b) a huge portion of my happiness still resides in how I feel about my body, not in how I feel about my soul. HOWEVER, it's also taught me that I can like things that other people don't like and that SHORT HAIR IS AMAZING. Literally. Boys, count your blessings. Short hair is one of them. It feels so weird to wash and it's so fun to just shake it out like a dog. And bed head. Bed head makes my morning. It's so funny. Also, I feel more like a woman now. Because I see other girls with long hair and it's like I know something they don't, and that thing they don't know is that short hair is the most liberating thing ever. Yes, you have no security blanket, nothing to hide behind. You can't be Cousin Itt anymore. And guess what? It's amazing. Because people have to learn to love you for you, and not for your hair or your adherence to societal norms.
     One of the things women keep telling me is "I could never pull that off." The truth is, there's nothing to "pull off". It's just hair. You just gotta own it and be like, "Yep, this is me. You don't like it? Bug off." Another thing is that after they say they couldn't pull it off they say something along the lines of "I'm not brave enough to cut off all my hair." I don't consider myself a brave person. I just wanted to try something new and I had a lot of hair that could be donated to someone who needs it more than me.
     I wrote the following a week ago, on why I'm cutting my hair:
     As far as idols go, my hair has become one in my life. It’s one thing about my physical image that I feel good about. I’ve always identified as a “long-haired” girl, so that even during the brief periods in my life when I’ve had short hair I’ve always felt like a poser. Long hair has been a part of my identity for years; half of middle school and nearly all of high school. I’ll cut my hair short, revel in the joy of it for a few months, and then be itching to grow it out again. I’ve always felt more secure, more feminine, and “prettier” (whatever that is) when I have long hair. Or at least, when I have short hair I tell myself that I’ll feel those things once I have long hair. But the truth is, security, femininity, and prettiness are internal characteristics. They come from strength of character, not from the dead skin cells sprouting out of your noggin. I’m ready to challenge my own ridiculous notions of beauty. I have been reared by a society that tells me day in and day out that beauty is a physical characteristic, that a person can be looked at for half a second and be deemed “beautiful” or “ugly”. For so many years, I have bought into that notion. I have dined on the lies society has fed me for years, and I’ve let it starve me of what is truly beautiful in this life. I’ve let it tear down my own self image, and let myself fall into the same patterns of judgement of other people. The hard truth is that beauty can’t be bought, it can’t be worn, it can’t be bottled up in a single image. It is so much more than that. Beauty is a feeling. Beauty is the kindness that leaks out of your soul, the laugh that escapes from your lips, the tears that pour out of your eyes when you ache at someone else’s aching. We were all beautifully and boldly made and it had nothing to do with the color of our skin, the curl of our hair, or the shape of our bodies. It’s the color of our souls, the curl of our minds, the shape of our hearts. And every day we must remind ourselves of this truth, for it is an elusive one, one that must be pursued, one that we have to hold onto when it gets hard.

     I think it still holds true, except that honestly short hair is just really easy and it feels great and it's fun. If you want to cut your hair, just do it. And you don't have to wait a year like I did. Just do it now. Be spontaneous. Live your life. And have a great day. :)

I love you and your hair. -AB
Same to you, girl <3--SE

Day 1058 Song Recommendation: "Stars" by Buried Beds. Thanks to DL for the song rec.
-SE Wagner