Things That I'm Learning About Myself in College

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Thanks Bell Hooks. You make me feel
1. I'm not actually that outgoing.
     All my life I've been told "you're a go getter!" "you're so brave!" "you're so independent, you always get what you want!" And while these things are true to a certain extent, after coming to college, I realize that when it comes to meeting new people and making new friends, I'm not actually that brave and I'm not really a go getter. It's because I have a weirdly divided personality where I genuinely enjoy being alone, so I've been relying heavily on that, instead of relying on the "go getter" side of my personality to actually go up to people and engage with them. I mean it's not like I don't want to meet new people, it's just that it's easier not to so I probably haven't been making as much of an effort as I should. Plus it's so different going from 12 years of school where I had the same friends and never had to worry about making new ones to all of those friends being scattered around in different places, and me being forced to make new friends. It's just exhausting and makes me realize I'm not as outgoing as people always think I am.

2. I am so sweaty.
     I know I'm sweaty. I didn't know I was THAT sweaty. I guess it's more like I usually don't have to deal with my sweatiness in a public forum, because it's not like I had to walk/hike to all my classes in high school, so it wasn't a present issue at all times. But here, I literally have to trek everywhere and I get soooooo sweatyyyy. I'm sure you're all very tired of hearing my sweat chronicles by now, but it's been an eye opening discovery for me. Thank goodness it's finally cooling down a little bit. Plus I think my body is getting accustomed to all the walking and the climate and whatnot that it hasn't been AS BAD as it was the first few days. But yeah.

3. I don't know whether I'm independent or actually just a loner.
     I eat lunch by myself most of the time, I walk to my classes alone, I stay in at night and read or write or blog. And I'm cool with it. I'm having fun. But everyone else around me has already formed posses...I know it's only the first week and most of those posses will dissolve because let's be real, how can anyone make a genuine friendship in a week?? But still. I can't tell if I'm alone because I want to be or if I'm alone because I've been out of the "friend making" pool for so long. Plus, I just get so fed up with the "What's your name where are you from what's your major where are you living what classes do you have" game. I don't care about any of that stuff. I want to have genuine conversations with people, I cannot stand nor am I good at small talk. It just feels really meaningless.

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Um. Whoever made this has clearly never experienced the joys
of solidarity. 
5. I don't need as much sleep as I'd like.
     People think that because I'm a morning person, I don't like to sleep, but that is not true. In fact, I've been described as "narcoleptic" by some people (my brother). I love sleep, I just also like mornings. But I ALSO like reading and having hobbies. And with homework and classes and walking ten minutes to eat and work and interaction with humans, I don't really have much time for those hobbies. So I do them before I go to bed, and then I go to sleep later than I used to. And I've been fine! Okay...I've yawned a lot...and I am tired right NOW, but that doesn't mean anything...tomorrow is Saturday, so I think I'm gonna sleep in or take naps or something tomorrow...Especially since I have to work from like 10pm to 12:45am. What dumbness.

6. I don't mind having a job.
     Lol, I go from complaining about when I have to work to talking about how I don't mind it. Okay, I know the novelty of it will wear off soon enough, but so far, making smoothies and sandwiches has been not bad at all. It feels like an accomplishment to turn five random ingredients into an edible smoothie. And I like the way the sandwiches smell. (The things you learn to "like" when you have a job). Plus, it just gets me out of my head. Which is nice because I have a lot going on outside of work that I could be worried about, but when I'm working, I just can't think about anything else.

7. I'm actually kind of good at managing my time!!
     My roommates are already complaining about all the homework they have to do, and I guess I have a lot too, but so far it hasn't built up to the point that I can't manage it. And I can take breaks without feeling like I'm losing valuable work time. Which really surprises me because I never developed good study skills in high school and it was a concern of mine.

8. I will FOREVER be the early kid.
     My whole life I've been raised that it takes thirty minutes to get everywhere unless it's far away. Going to grandma's house a mile and a half away? Leave thirty minutes early. Going to church fifteen minutes away? Leave thirty minutes early. Going to school? Leave thirty minutes early. I have adopted that same strategy for going everywhere on campus. It doesn't take 30 minutes to go anywhere on campus. The longest walk is from my Res Hall to the performing arts center where I have orchestra rehearsal, and that's 15 minutes, or 17 minutes if it's particularly hot outside and I'm tired. Still. Thirty minutes, just to be safe. What if someone stops me on the way there and starts talking to me? (This has not happened yet). What if I get there and I have to go to the bathroom? (This has not happened yet.) What if I get there and I suddenly forget where the room I'm supposed to be in is? (This has not happened yet). Even so. Old habits die hard.

9. I'm not nearly as homesick as I had thought I would be...
     This one is really weird. It's not that I don't miss it. I actually really do. But it hasn't made me SAD per se. Just...reflective. Quiet. Introspective. I don't know. I haven't cried yet. I haven't devoted a ton of time to thinking about it. I haven't laid in bed wishing and worrying about it. It hits me a little bit when I wake up in the mornings, but then it passes and I'm  basically okay the rest of the day. I told myself I'd allow one week for wallowing in homesickness, but I haven't even been wallowing yet...I guess when it really hits, THAT'S when I'll give myself the week.

10. I am definitely an introvert. But I'm like an introvert who WANTS to be an _____? I don't know how to describe it.
     Like I said before, I have a divided personality. Half of me wants nothing more than to stay in my dorm all day reading, staring out the window at couples and friends walking by, writing, thinking, doing homework, etc. etc. But the other half of me is like "YOU HAVE TO GO MAKE FRIENDS. I BESEECH YOU. YOU NEED HUMAN INTERACTION. YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT!" But BOTH sides are right, and both sides are ME. I don't know which one to choose.

11. Spanish scares me.
Image result for independent or loner     I don't know why, but I have this irrational fear that people will be MAD at me if I don't pick up Spanish quickly. Plus I'm so impatient, so like everything else in my life, I want to be able to do it RIGHT. NOW. I don't want to wait a whole semester to be semi good at the most basic Spanish phrases. That's dumb. I just want to be able to speak fluent Spanish with a beautiful accent right this very minute. But that's not happening. And I have this dumb fear that people will be mad at me for not being instantly bilingual. It's REAL dumb, I know. But like, if my Comm professor asks me a question and I don't know the answer to it, I can easily recover. But if my Spanish teacher asks me a questions and I don't know the answer to it, I feel like I've let down the entire Spanish speaking population. I don't know why.

12. I'm not as good at names as I thought I was. 
     Okay y'all, I am good at names, I swear. I see you once, you tell my your name, I'll remember it. It's a gift. I think it's because my writers brain thinks of everyone as potential characters, and names are essential to characters. That being said, I think I may have lost the gift after meeting LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF NEW PEOPLE. So. Many. Names. And it's gotten to the point where they tell me their name and I forget it INSTANTLY! Weirdly enough, I've been able to remember people's majors better than their names sometimes! Ugh it's so annoying. I want the gift back please. 

13. I like myself.  
     I'm a pretty cool person. I have cool hobbies. I got into an Orchestra which is pretty cool. I'm good at surviving on my own. On the occasions that I HAVE talked to and met other people, I've been able to form coherent and interesting sentences. I'm not too bad at being a human. That's pretty cool. I think I'll get along with the college me very well.


P.S. I know "quote of the day" isn't really my domain, but tonight when I was eating dinner with my orientation group, Zoe said something that was pretty funny and quotable. She was asking how to get rid of her trash and wasn't seeming to be able to grasp the concept that there was a sliding door on the side to dump her trashcan into and she blurts out "I don't know the anatomy of a dumpster!!" LOL.. 


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