You Can Do It
Yesterday was a bad day.
I didn't want to get out of bed and to be honest I didn't get out of bed for most of the day. I'm reluctant to even say that. At the same time I know that there is someone else who didn't want to get out of bed and maybe they'll read this. They'll realize that their not alone. I ignored my phone all day to the point where I just let it die. I didn't want to talk to anyone. The only reason I got out of bed was because I had to. I had places to go and responsibilities. You can't just call people and say, "Sorry I couldn't get out of bed today." I wish we could do that but we can't.
Whenever I have a day like that I always go to bed and think, 'It will be better tomorrow'. Then I woke up this morning and I felt the same way. I got out of bed but I still had the same attitude. I told myself that I didn't have to go anywhere but I couldn't spend my day in bed. That was my small goal for today. I was doing pretty good until the end of the day. Then I started having a panic attack. I haven't had a panic attack since school. The fear immediately crept in and the symptoms that come with having a panic attack. After it was over I went to my bed and laid down. It was hard not to cry and instead of talking to God about it I got on Facebook.
There are some people that I see and think, 'How? How do they do it?' They amaze me. They go through circumstances that I cannot imagine. They are so tough. One of those people is Rachel Hollis. I've talked about her a lot. Her and her family are the epitome of strength. Basically Rachel and her family have been trying to adopt a daughter. I've been praying for her like crazy. They are adopting through foster care. The foster care is a broken system. We all know this. They got twin girls recently who were abandoned by their mother. I thought, 'This is it. They're at the end of the road."
Then I see this on Facebook
I didn't want to get out of bed and to be honest I didn't get out of bed for most of the day. I'm reluctant to even say that. At the same time I know that there is someone else who didn't want to get out of bed and maybe they'll read this. They'll realize that their not alone. I ignored my phone all day to the point where I just let it die. I didn't want to talk to anyone. The only reason I got out of bed was because I had to. I had places to go and responsibilities. You can't just call people and say, "Sorry I couldn't get out of bed today." I wish we could do that but we can't.
Whenever I have a day like that I always go to bed and think, 'It will be better tomorrow'. Then I woke up this morning and I felt the same way. I got out of bed but I still had the same attitude. I told myself that I didn't have to go anywhere but I couldn't spend my day in bed. That was my small goal for today. I was doing pretty good until the end of the day. Then I started having a panic attack. I haven't had a panic attack since school. The fear immediately crept in and the symptoms that come with having a panic attack. After it was over I went to my bed and laid down. It was hard not to cry and instead of talking to God about it I got on Facebook.
There are some people that I see and think, 'How? How do they do it?' They amaze me. They go through circumstances that I cannot imagine. They are so tough. One of those people is Rachel Hollis. I've talked about her a lot. Her and her family are the epitome of strength. Basically Rachel and her family have been trying to adopt a daughter. I've been praying for her like crazy. They are adopting through foster care. The foster care is a broken system. We all know this. They got twin girls recently who were abandoned by their mother. I thought, 'This is it. They're at the end of the road."
Then I see this on Facebook
"It's hard to believe our little warrior twins are 4 weeks old today. It's hard to believe how much has happened --an entire lifetime it seems-- in such a short stretch. It's hard to believe how hard this road truly is. Not because of them --they are the most precious creatures I've ever known-- but because we chose to adopt from #fostercare which is a broken system built on top of such devastating circumstances. In the last couple of weeks we've been informed that the girl's biological dad wants them now. That doesn't mean it will happen. It does mean that an already rocky road became inexplicably longer and more treacherous. It does mean that I have to battle the urge to feel bitter that four and a half years have brought us here-- that more than once I've thought "God, why did you give me the desire for a daughter if it was never going to happen?" I am the most hopeful person you know and more than once, more than a dozen times, this has felt completely hopeless. I've been terrified, numb, anxious and angry. I've been every emotion you can name. Dave and I swing back and forth between feeling like it's going to be OK and feeling like this is a waking nightmare. We've learned so many things about the uglier, darker sides of this world in the last four weeks and a part of me grieves deeply for the innocence I walked into this foster to adopt program with. "Look at what's in front of you," God keeps whispering. "Right now you hold them in your arms safe and sleepy and smelling like baby lotion." "But for how long?!" I scream back. On this, there is no clear answer. Maybe it's forever, maybe it's four months or five minutes-- I have no idea. A month ago my friend @jenhatmaker told me "Adoption doesn't make you a savior-- nobody can truly save anyone else. Adoption is simply saying, I am strong enough to walk this road with you." So this is what I tell myself 80 times a day in response to every question and emotion that tears at my heart. I am strong enough to walk this road and keep them safe for as long as I'm allowed to. Even though it's hard-- especially because it's hard. #HollisAdoption."
My heart broke. I immediately got angry with God. I got angry at him for Rachel and for me. I want Rachel to have those two girls and I don't want to struggle with anxiety or my other problems. What's the point of struggling? Are we really here to struggle and then die? Why do others have it so easy? Why are their terrible people in the world who get all that they want? Yet the people who serve you suffer the most? Why?" I laid in bed and fumed.
I don't have all the answers. I never will. It doesn't matter how many times I read the bible or pray. I'm not going to get all the answers. I can't handle all the answers that God could give me. When you're mad though you're not thinking about that. I wish that I could say that I was the 'perfect Christian' who had all the answers. I don't though. It's moments like these that God holds us the tightest. We don't feel his love because we block him off. We think he's angry at us. It's the opposite though. He understands, he knows and he weeps with us. He knew the pain and suffering we would go through. We truly underestimate how much God understands. I don't know what the future holds but God does.
DFTBA
-AB
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