Letting Go

The past two days have been a whirlwind of emotions. This whole year has been a whirlwind of emotions. There are days where you feel numb and other emotions you can't describe. There are things in life that you just want to avoid. You convince yourself that it's never going to happen. Or that it's so far away that you're not even thinking about it. That's senior year basically. I am glad that high school is over but that means we have a lot of growing up to do. No teenager wants that. No matter how much they say they do. I'm experiencing something that I've never really had to experience. Letting go. My giving key is in full swing this week and next week.
Yesterday I went just to the church Swag and I go to. It was so weird not going to youth group. That numb feeling started to creep in. I had gotten to church earlier and I sat around waiting for Swag. We've been going to this church for about three months now. I never met or got close to anyone. It's a big church. I didn't feel the need to because I had my other church. So instead of meeting new people I sat around on my phone. About a few minutes before church started this older man sat next to me and started talking to me. We talked until church started. Then he told me that he would introduce me to his wife next week. After he said that a wall immediately came up. I had to find a way to avoid this guy next week. That wall stayed up for the rest of the service. It was probably one of the most beautiful services out of them all. At the same time I wasn't getting anything out of it. Then I thought, "Maybe this church isn't for me." When I got home I realized how ridiculous that was. This church has been amazing and has been good for me. Why was meeting someone such a big deal? It was just a person.
I have a problem with letting people in. I push people more than I let them in. My experience with my former church didn't help. I was invested and involved in the church and I got hurt badly. It still hurts deeply. They were my community and my family. To watch that fall apart was devastating. Part of me doesn't want to get involved in this church because I don't want to get hurt again. Why not just hold the church at arms length? It's easier that way. We all need community. If we don't have that community we empty our soul and heart. We're meant to have some kind of community. I got home afterwards and I knew that I needed to let that wall down. I might get hurt again but this church might also be a good thing in my life.
Then I started noticing the other areas of my life. Putting up walls and pushing people away. My friends are leaving next week and it hurts. They're not going to be fifteen minutes away anymore. They're going to be hours away. I started getting more frustrated with them and keeping them at arms length. I was convinced that they were going to go to college and forget me. It kind of felt like, "well it's going to end soon so we might as well end it now." I'm basically Andie from The Unexpected Everything.
Then today happened. It's one of the last times that we're going to get together before college. At the beginning I put up that wall again. Then I realized that I didn't want it to end this way. I love these people. I was convinced that I would stay for about an hour and then leave. We ended up staying there for hours. When it came to an end I tried really hard not to cry. I teared up. Then Swag, DL, Morgan and I sat around and listened to the thunderstorm that was currently going on. Eventually they all go out and start dancing in the rain. I don't even know how many times I have seen the three of them dance. It is one of my favorite things. You can't help but smile. They're so enthusiastic and crazy. DL I took a video of it on your phone if you want to watch it.

When I got home I took a deep breath and opened up my bible. I'm not a huge believer in opening up your bible and randomly finding the 'perfect bible verse'. It happened today though. I read it and I immediately started crying. It could not be more perfect.

"Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord."

- 1 Samuel 20:42

Are you kidding me? I can't even tell you how many times I have googled 'friendship bible verses'. I have never seen this bible verse before. I wasn't meant to see it until today. I think about my friends and somehow I know that we'll be okay. Maybe one day they will forget me but I will never forget them. You don't forget the people who made a difference in your life. I guess that it's a goal of mine this year to break down the walls.

DFTBA

-AB