Interview with a Noob
Today is a special day. You get to read my totally awesome professional interview with a FAMOUS CELEBRITY GUEST!!!!!!!! This special guest is none other than my brother!! Let's get started. I did this interview like the big wigs, and recorded the whole thing like a conversation, so I'm going to transcribe it pretty much word for word so you get to feel like you're ACTUALLY THERE with me and this TOTALLY AWESOME SPECIAL GUEST.
Me: Take one, hopefully the only take, of "Interview with a Noob", my celebrity guest. Okay. First question. We share an iTunes account. What's one song that I bought that you'll never listen to, and what's one song I bought that you listen to all the time?
Noob: I will never listen to any of your songs that are off the ABBA album, or only in another language. But I always listen to all the Adele songs that you bought.
Did I buy the Adele songs? I thought that was you.
You bought most of them I think... "Set Fire to the Rain" you definitely bought, and I jam to that all the time.
Has my music taste influenced yours at all?
Sorta? Not heavily, but you got me more into like finding new artists. You got me into hipster searching.
True dat. Yesterday, I posted a video where musician Tor Miller named five records that influenced his musical career. If you ever become a famous musician, what five records would you credit as your inspiration or influence?
"Mothership" by Led Zeppelin, "Slippery When Wet" by Bon Jovi, "Vitalogyy" by Pearl Jam. (As noob is thinking of albums, our cat Blackie comes up and nudges his head against the phone speaker, purring loudly) That Audioslave album with the fire on front...forget what that's called. (Turns out it's a self titled album) And...ooh that The Who album with the outhouse.
"Who's Next"?
Yeah, "Who's Next".
Moving away from musical questions, now it's time for sister/brother questions.Why do you think we get along so well?
I don't know...because we're very similar...yet also very different.
Great answer.
Depending on what it is.
How are we similar?
We both kind of fight a common enemy when we argue with our parents. And we have similar music taste and TV taste and life taste. But we're very different in our mentality about how we get there.
And I feel like we have the same core [political] beliefs--
We're very similar, politically.
--I just don't--
You think I'm radical and you're not.
Yeah, we're like on opposite ends of the same spectrum.
That's fair.
Okay, what would our sidekick names be?
I would probably be The Noob.
And who would I be?
I'm not gonna say it, it's rude.
No say it!
FATWOMAN! It's like Catwoman.
Fatwoman and The Noob? That actually sounds like a band.
It does actually, to be honest.
A lot of our bonding is through comedy. Can you talk a bit about that? Why do you think we bonded over that so much?
Because I'm funny and you're not. And so when we watch things that we both think are funny, then we share laughter. Laughter is the best medicine and very well shared.
I feel like I would have no sense of humor if it weren't for you, because I think stupid stuff is funny but you've turned me onto Saturday Night Live and dank memes.
Dank memes! We share a love for dank memetry.
And like you like to tell jokes, you like to be funny, and I like to consume comedy.
You like to experience funny. And I like to be involved in funny.
Yeah, I like to laugh, and you like to make people laugh. What do you think is the funniest thing that we both think is really funny?
"Fre sh a voca do!" That is our current most hilarious thing. (If you're unfamiliar with "Fre sh a voca do", you can watch the iconic video here.)
Yes! That one gets me. And like, I just remember the DVD set of stand up comedy that I bought at a yard sale for you, we watched the whole thing in one day. (This recollection sparks several seconds of us reciting funny lines from those stand up routines, from some great comedians such as Darrell Hammond and Louis Anderson.) Oh my goodness, we need to watch those again.
Very much so.
You tend to obsess over things. Besides trucks, what are some things you are obsessing over right now? Why do you think you get so obsessive-- or do you deny this completely?
I'm not really obsessing over anything BUT trucks right now.
You wouldn't say Riff Raff is an obsession?
Not really because I'm not entirely consumed by Riff Raff like I am with trucks, or like I was with Legos in the past or video games or guitar--
Or Star Wars?
Yeah, I can only have one big main obsession at a time.
That is true. And then you have little obsessions like your hatred for Hillary Clinton.
Yes. Excellent obsession.
Are you excited to get married? What do you think our bro/sis relationship will be like once that happens?
I am excited to get married and I think we're gonna hang out sometimes still, just so I can avoid KM when I'm mad. And it will be fun to include you and [her brother] in our married life.
You can like, have me over for dinner. And it'll be like adult-y.
Yeah, we'll have adult dinner. Which sounds kind of gross...
We'll have adult dinner, and then afterwards--
Afterwards we'll play board games because you and KM hate board games.
NO. We'll watch stand up comedy.
Yeah, or movies.
Okay, this one is obvious in my opinion. Who do you think is smarter--you or me?
I think you apply yourself more, so on paper you're smarter, but I think intellectually wise, I'm smarter. I think you will do more with your intelligence than I will, but I thihnk I have more raw talent that I haven't developed.
Touche. What I think is funny about that is that of us, you are obviously more...
Cerebral?
Sure, whatever that means. Like it comes naturally to you and you don't have to practice, but everybody at school says that about me.
Well they would say that about you because they can see your intelligence, whereas mine is more hidden.
But like, my friends study so much more than I do.
I haven't ever studied in my life.
And I haven't really either, but somehow it's like I care more than you do. I don't know.
I forget a lot of things, but if I read something once and I WANT to remember it, I still remember it to this day.
Why do you love trucks so much? What about them do you love the most?
I love trucks a lot because--
"I love trucks becaaauussee"
"What I learned in boating school wasssssssss".
I don't know why exactly I have a passion for trucks. It's just something about the noise and the smoke and the community of trucks. We're all like-minded individuals who love our builds and it becomes artwork to us.
I feel like [trucks were] not something that you would have ever thought you would end up doing, do you think it just happened to be what you were interested in at the time that you were looking for what to do, but if it had been something else, you would have done something else?
Yeah, I think so. I think had I still been interested in guitar, I would have thought about pursuing a career in writing music for other people--not performing it, because I'm way too shy for that-- but I would have enjoyed that. But I was interested in trucks at the time, and I had to do something, so that's where I went with it, and it stuck, and I like doing it. Trucks are awesome.
That's good.
It's no secret that you're great with old people. It's annoying but endearing. What do you think you'll be like when you're old?
I think I'm gonna be a mixture of different old people. I'm gonna be the old guy that dropped change a bunch of times at the City Market--
Awwwww. That's gonna be like when you're REAL old. Like when you're about to die old.
Yeah, deathbed old. But I feel like I'm going to be very calm and very slow. I'm gonna be very much like Pop.
What do you think I'll be like when I'm old?
You're gonna be one of those little old ladies like Ida Mae (a friend of our grandma's) who just sort of does her own thing and doesn't let the world tell her what to think.
True dat.
What are some of your favorite memories of us together?
For some reason, I always remember watching George of the Jungle together at [our neighbor's house] a hundred times.
Yassss we need to watch that again.
And Little Rascals, same thing. Going to the beach. When you pushed me down the stairs in roller skates. And for some reason, I remember when we were kids we always used to play with that little red and yellow car, one of those little kid cars that every little kid has. And I remember getting stuck in it a couple times, and we would just play around in that. Or we'd play kitchen or whatever because I'd trade you playing my game, and then I'd have to play fricken' SCHOOL. Which why would I want to play school when I go to school?
Least favorite?
I don't know...probably when you burst into tears over me correcting our dog.
(Makes crying noises)
You may have to edit that out.
Or the time when you got me that teddy bear from Hershey Park and I was asleep and--
And then you hated it.
(More fake crying noises) I feel horrible about that.
It didn't really matter to me. I won it with like a ski ball ticket or something.
If you had to describe our family to a complete stranger, what would you say?
Have ya ever seen The Middle?
So true.
Rapid speed round: Name ten awesome things about KM. You have fifteen seconds.
I have to name ten awesome things about KM in fifteen seconds??
Go!
Uhh she's beautiful, she's funny, she's creative, she's smart, she's short, she's cute, she's beautiful, she's cute, and she smells good!
I'm not even counting, hopefully that's ten. Was it?
I don't know. She's wonderful though.
Okay. Your closet is a sight to see--can you tell that this is super rehearsed? I just like wrote these out--
(Laughs) That is fine.
You have clothes from when you were in elementary school, not to mention over 30 football jerseys,--
Over thirty?? Try almost eighty!
Well I didn't know, so I just guessed. And an impressive amount of pajama pants with cartoon characters and band symbols on them, (which I should mention he was wearing as we spoke) but my favorite things are your wacky t-shirts with snarky phrases or funny graphics on them. Why do you choose the clothes you do?
I don't know. It's sort of like a bumper sticker. It's an expression of yourself. If you shirts are cunning and wily, then I appear cunning and wily. And I love football. And jerseys, for some reason,a re very interesting to me. I like the patterns and the fonts and stuff on jerseys. It's interesting to see how a team chooses to represent themselves.
Valid answer.
Do you miss anything from your childhood?
Uh, being able to sleep. Yeah, that was cool.
Do you feel like an adult yet?
I feel too much like an adult. I have no freedom anymore. I'm gonna get five days off every year for the remainder of my life.
That is daunting.
It is horrifying.
I always feel like I'm a kid doing adult things, and I'm like "this doesn't feel right, but I have to do this."
Yep, that is the lifestyle. I suggest anyone who is young and looking for a job, become a teacher, because at least you get the summer off.
That's what I'm saying. Or like, being a writer--
You make your own hours.
Yeah. My dream is literally just me in my house, like "I don't feel like writing anymore I'm gonna go do laundry" or whatever.
That would be cool.
But that's a long time coming.
You're always coming across new careers you'd like to have. Name a few of those and explain why you'd be good at them.
I would like to be a Sports Announcer, because I feel like I would be good at it because I am very passionate about sports and I like pretending like I have a commanding voice. And I feel like it would just be interesting. And I feel like it would give me a chance to showcase some of my snide humor in the background and I feel like it is something you're really good at, or really bad at, and you either become an icon or fail within a year. So it would be cool because you know after you've made it so long, you're in and you're an icon. There's no "eh, they're decent."
Anything else?
I think it would be fun to be a teacher and a football coach. but I don't think I could do it.
We've talked about like a stand up comedian, or a radio announcer.
Yeah, anything using humor and my voice and I like to talk.
Our family has a plethora of nicknames for each other, including our pets-- we have nicknames for our pets, not our pets have nicknames for us. That's un-parallel structure or whatever. What are some of your favorites?
"The Nub" "Smooch Carington." "Flaud" "Mooms" "Blacktisha"
That's a good one. I like "Zip Tie."
"Zip Tie"'s a good one. "Blitznauller" "Ernesto Montabon"
If you add "Nauller" to anything, or "Tisha"--
It's instantly a Vaughn nickname.
Yeah. I like "Blitzkrieg."
(Blackie jumps onto couch with Noob) Blackie Blackie Blackie!
He knew we were talking about him so he came over.
He's got his little fangsies out.
Okay. Last but not least, who is your favorite sister and why?
You because there's not much choice. And because you're pretty cool for a sister. You're not in my way that much, you stay out of my business.
Thanks. Back atcha.
Also, to add under great music albums that have influenced my life, um, "Neon Icon" by Riff Raff.
(Laughs) Thanks noob.
Yup.
So there you have it folks. I know you've all been dying to hear more about my elusive and awesome brother (sarcasm) and now you know all the juicy deets. In homage to my brother, my song recommendation for today is one that he recommended to me, a little number you may have heard of, called "Sex and Candy" by Marcy Playground. Both the original and this Dubstep remix are pretty sweet jams. Enjoy.
Song Recommendation: "Sex and Candy" by Marcy Playground
"Sex and Candy" by Marcy Playground (Papa Skunk Remix)
-VaughnDL
Me: Take one, hopefully the only take, of "Interview with a Noob", my celebrity guest. Okay. First question. We share an iTunes account. What's one song that I bought that you'll never listen to, and what's one song I bought that you listen to all the time?
Noob: I will never listen to any of your songs that are off the ABBA album, or only in another language. But I always listen to all the Adele songs that you bought.
Did I buy the Adele songs? I thought that was you.
You bought most of them I think... "Set Fire to the Rain" you definitely bought, and I jam to that all the time.
Has my music taste influenced yours at all?
Sorta? Not heavily, but you got me more into like finding new artists. You got me into hipster searching.
True dat. Yesterday, I posted a video where musician Tor Miller named five records that influenced his musical career. If you ever become a famous musician, what five records would you credit as your inspiration or influence?
"Mothership" by Led Zeppelin, "Slippery When Wet" by Bon Jovi, "Vitalogyy" by Pearl Jam. (As noob is thinking of albums, our cat Blackie comes up and nudges his head against the phone speaker, purring loudly) That Audioslave album with the fire on front...forget what that's called. (Turns out it's a self titled album) And...ooh that The Who album with the outhouse.
"Who's Next"?
Yeah, "Who's Next".
Moving away from musical questions, now it's time for sister/brother questions.Why do you think we get along so well?
I don't know...because we're very similar...yet also very different.
Great answer.
Depending on what it is.
How are we similar?
We both kind of fight a common enemy when we argue with our parents. And we have similar music taste and TV taste and life taste. But we're very different in our mentality about how we get there.
And I feel like we have the same core [political] beliefs--
We're very similar, politically.
--I just don't--
You think I'm radical and you're not.
Yeah, we're like on opposite ends of the same spectrum.
That's fair.
Okay, what would our sidekick names be?
I would probably be The Noob.
And who would I be?
I'm not gonna say it, it's rude.
No say it!
FATWOMAN! It's like Catwoman.
Fatwoman and The Noob? That actually sounds like a band.
It does actually, to be honest.
A lot of our bonding is through comedy. Can you talk a bit about that? Why do you think we bonded over that so much?
Because I'm funny and you're not. And so when we watch things that we both think are funny, then we share laughter. Laughter is the best medicine and very well shared.
I feel like I would have no sense of humor if it weren't for you, because I think stupid stuff is funny but you've turned me onto Saturday Night Live and dank memes.
Dank memes! We share a love for dank memetry.
And like you like to tell jokes, you like to be funny, and I like to consume comedy.
You like to experience funny. And I like to be involved in funny.
Yeah, I like to laugh, and you like to make people laugh. What do you think is the funniest thing that we both think is really funny?
"Fre sh a voca do!" That is our current most hilarious thing. (If you're unfamiliar with "Fre sh a voca do", you can watch the iconic video here.)
Yes! That one gets me. And like, I just remember the DVD set of stand up comedy that I bought at a yard sale for you, we watched the whole thing in one day. (This recollection sparks several seconds of us reciting funny lines from those stand up routines, from some great comedians such as Darrell Hammond and Louis Anderson.) Oh my goodness, we need to watch those again.
 |
| He looks like Bradley Cooper in a Party City costume. |
Very much so.
You tend to obsess over things. Besides trucks, what are some things you are obsessing over right now? Why do you think you get so obsessive-- or do you deny this completely?
I'm not really obsessing over anything BUT trucks right now.
You wouldn't say Riff Raff is an obsession?
Not really because I'm not entirely consumed by Riff Raff like I am with trucks, or like I was with Legos in the past or video games or guitar--
Or Star Wars?
Yeah, I can only have one big main obsession at a time.
That is true. And then you have little obsessions like your hatred for Hillary Clinton.
Yes. Excellent obsession.
Are you excited to get married? What do you think our bro/sis relationship will be like once that happens?
I am excited to get married and I think we're gonna hang out sometimes still, just so I can avoid KM when I'm mad. And it will be fun to include you and [her brother] in our married life.
You can like, have me over for dinner. And it'll be like adult-y.
Yeah, we'll have adult dinner. Which sounds kind of gross...
We'll have adult dinner, and then afterwards--
Afterwards we'll play board games because you and KM hate board games.
NO. We'll watch stand up comedy.
Yeah, or movies.
Okay, this one is obvious in my opinion. Who do you think is smarter--you or me?
I think you apply yourself more, so on paper you're smarter, but I think intellectually wise, I'm smarter. I think you will do more with your intelligence than I will, but I thihnk I have more raw talent that I haven't developed.
Touche. What I think is funny about that is that of us, you are obviously more...
Cerebral?
Sure, whatever that means. Like it comes naturally to you and you don't have to practice, but everybody at school says that about me.
Well they would say that about you because they can see your intelligence, whereas mine is more hidden.
But like, my friends study so much more than I do.
I haven't ever studied in my life.
And I haven't really either, but somehow it's like I care more than you do. I don't know.
I forget a lot of things, but if I read something once and I WANT to remember it, I still remember it to this day.
Why do you love trucks so much? What about them do you love the most?
I love trucks a lot because--
"I love trucks becaaauussee"
"What I learned in boating school wasssssssss".
I don't know why exactly I have a passion for trucks. It's just something about the noise and the smoke and the community of trucks. We're all like-minded individuals who love our builds and it becomes artwork to us.
I feel like [trucks were] not something that you would have ever thought you would end up doing, do you think it just happened to be what you were interested in at the time that you were looking for what to do, but if it had been something else, you would have done something else?
Yeah, I think so. I think had I still been interested in guitar, I would have thought about pursuing a career in writing music for other people--not performing it, because I'm way too shy for that-- but I would have enjoyed that. But I was interested in trucks at the time, and I had to do something, so that's where I went with it, and it stuck, and I like doing it. Trucks are awesome.
That's good.
It's no secret that you're great with old people. It's annoying but endearing. What do you think you'll be like when you're old?
I think I'm gonna be a mixture of different old people. I'm gonna be the old guy that dropped change a bunch of times at the City Market--
Awwwww. That's gonna be like when you're REAL old. Like when you're about to die old.
Yeah, deathbed old. But I feel like I'm going to be very calm and very slow. I'm gonna be very much like Pop.
What do you think I'll be like when I'm old?
You're gonna be one of those little old ladies like Ida Mae (a friend of our grandma's) who just sort of does her own thing and doesn't let the world tell her what to think.
True dat.
What are some of your favorite memories of us together?
For some reason, I always remember watching George of the Jungle together at [our neighbor's house] a hundred times.
Yassss we need to watch that again.
And Little Rascals, same thing. Going to the beach. When you pushed me down the stairs in roller skates. And for some reason, I remember when we were kids we always used to play with that little red and yellow car, one of those little kid cars that every little kid has. And I remember getting stuck in it a couple times, and we would just play around in that. Or we'd play kitchen or whatever because I'd trade you playing my game, and then I'd have to play fricken' SCHOOL. Which why would I want to play school when I go to school?
Least favorite?
I don't know...probably when you burst into tears over me correcting our dog.
(Makes crying noises)
You may have to edit that out.
Or the time when you got me that teddy bear from Hershey Park and I was asleep and--
And then you hated it.
(More fake crying noises) I feel horrible about that.
It didn't really matter to me. I won it with like a ski ball ticket or something.
If you had to describe our family to a complete stranger, what would you say?
Have ya ever seen The Middle?
So true.
Rapid speed round: Name ten awesome things about KM. You have fifteen seconds.
I have to name ten awesome things about KM in fifteen seconds??
Go!
Uhh she's beautiful, she's funny, she's creative, she's smart, she's short, she's cute, she's beautiful, she's cute, and she smells good!
I'm not even counting, hopefully that's ten. Was it?
I don't know. She's wonderful though.
Okay. Your closet is a sight to see--can you tell that this is super rehearsed? I just like wrote these out--
(Laughs) That is fine.
You have clothes from when you were in elementary school, not to mention over 30 football jerseys,--
Over thirty?? Try almost eighty!
Well I didn't know, so I just guessed. And an impressive amount of pajama pants with cartoon characters and band symbols on them, (which I should mention he was wearing as we spoke) but my favorite things are your wacky t-shirts with snarky phrases or funny graphics on them. Why do you choose the clothes you do?
I don't know. It's sort of like a bumper sticker. It's an expression of yourself. If you shirts are cunning and wily, then I appear cunning and wily. And I love football. And jerseys, for some reason,a re very interesting to me. I like the patterns and the fonts and stuff on jerseys. It's interesting to see how a team chooses to represent themselves.
Valid answer.
Do you miss anything from your childhood?
Uh, being able to sleep. Yeah, that was cool.
Do you feel like an adult yet?
I feel too much like an adult. I have no freedom anymore. I'm gonna get five days off every year for the remainder of my life.
That is daunting.
It is horrifying.
I always feel like I'm a kid doing adult things, and I'm like "this doesn't feel right, but I have to do this."
Yep, that is the lifestyle. I suggest anyone who is young and looking for a job, become a teacher, because at least you get the summer off.
That's what I'm saying. Or like, being a writer--
You make your own hours.
Yeah. My dream is literally just me in my house, like "I don't feel like writing anymore I'm gonna go do laundry" or whatever.
That would be cool.
 |
| "Stay Free Maxi Pads!" |
But that's a long time coming.
You're always coming across new careers you'd like to have. Name a few of those and explain why you'd be good at them.
I would like to be a Sports Announcer, because I feel like I would be good at it because I am very passionate about sports and I like pretending like I have a commanding voice. And I feel like it would just be interesting. And I feel like it would give me a chance to showcase some of my snide humor in the background and I feel like it is something you're really good at, or really bad at, and you either become an icon or fail within a year. So it would be cool because you know after you've made it so long, you're in and you're an icon. There's no "eh, they're decent."
Anything else?
I think it would be fun to be a teacher and a football coach. but I don't think I could do it.
We've talked about like a stand up comedian, or a radio announcer.
Yeah, anything using humor and my voice and I like to talk.
Our family has a plethora of nicknames for each other, including our pets-- we have nicknames for our pets, not our pets have nicknames for us. That's un-parallel structure or whatever. What are some of your favorites?
"The Nub" "Smooch Carington." "Flaud" "Mooms" "Blacktisha"
That's a good one. I like "Zip Tie."
"Zip Tie"'s a good one. "Blitznauller" "Ernesto Montabon"
If you add "Nauller" to anything, or "Tisha"--
It's instantly a Vaughn nickname.
Yeah. I like "Blitzkrieg."
(Blackie jumps onto couch with Noob) Blackie Blackie Blackie!
He knew we were talking about him so he came over.
He's got his little fangsies out.
Okay. Last but not least, who is your favorite sister and why?
You because there's not much choice. And because you're pretty cool for a sister. You're not in my way that much, you stay out of my business.
Thanks. Back atcha.
Also, to add under great music albums that have influenced my life, um, "Neon Icon" by Riff Raff.
(Laughs) Thanks noob.
Yup.
So there you have it folks. I know you've all been dying to hear more about my elusive and awesome brother (sarcasm) and now you know all the juicy deets. In homage to my brother, my song recommendation for today is one that he recommended to me, a little number you may have heard of, called "Sex and Candy" by Marcy Playground. Both the original and this Dubstep remix are pretty sweet jams. Enjoy.
Song Recommendation: "Sex and Candy" by Marcy Playground
"Sex and Candy" by Marcy Playground (Papa Skunk Remix)
-VaughnDL
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