Loving (Is Hard)

     After I finished reading The Unexpected Everything (which was great; I highly recommend it), I started reading Kisses from Katie. AB got this book for me for my birthday and I read half of it before putting it down. I think sometimes you have to be in a certain place in order to read a book and enjoy it, and a few months ago I just wasn't in that place. Katie's talk about God and love and happiness made me angry, I think because I was jealous because I didn't have anything close to what she had. So I put it down. I don't know what made me decide to bring it with me on vacation but I'm glad I did. I get it now. I can read her words and not feel like she is preaching to me, but that she's just like me: struggling to figure this God stuff and this love stuff out for herself. It's been one of those books that I can't stop thinking about after I put it down. My immediate reaction is "I need to go to Africa and help children in need and then I will be happy and fulfilled and close to God!" But that's not true. That's not true at all. It's true that it's easier to love and rely on God when you have nothing else. Loving God and loving people was the easiest it's ever been when I was in Haiti, because the comforts of my normal life had been stripped away and I was surrounded by people who loved so much because they had nothing else. They relied whole-heartedly on God and it was easy for me to do the same. But quickly I fell back into my normal state of being once I came home. The fire of love that I'd had died down, and I found myself thinking less and less about the kids in Haiti. 

     Last Friday, my mom went back to Haiti and her email updates have been bringing me back to my time there last July and I've been thinking about the kids more and wishing I could be there. I can't wait to go back next year. 

As I read Katie's book, all I could think was "Next year, in Haiti, I'll have what she has. The love and the spirit and the closeness to God." And then I thought, that's ridiculous. I'm not going to wait a year for something I can have right now. And it's absurd of me to think that I have to fly half-way around the world to love a child and make him happy. I have an 8 year old boy right in front of me--my own flesh and blood--that I can't seem to love. How can I change the world when I can't even love my own cousin? That's hypocrisy at its finest. 

     I will be honest with you. It is not easy to love a child who is slapping you and telling you to "Get a move on it! Go faster!" while dragging you through a crowded train station as you haul your luggage and his luggage around behind you. It is not easy to love a child who is screaming at his parents that they ruined his life. It is not easy. But God never said "Thou shalt love those whom it is easy for you to love." He just said "Love." Love unconditionally, love radically, love because it is the only thing that makes life worth living. 

     I've spent most of this trip not loving JP. I spent almost all of today not loving him. But then there was this moment. This moment when he was going a little bit crazy after we'd stopped at a restaurant to get some drinks and snacks and my aunt and I were on our way to the toy store with him. He was veering off course to go check out a street vendor or something and instead of my usual "This way, JP" or "Let's go", I just reached out and scratched his back for half a second and he stopped immediately and started scratching my back and then he put his arm around me and said "Now you owe me one" and I was like "One what?" And he was like "Anything" and so I was like "How about a high five?" And he was like "Okay" so we high fived and kept walking together with our arms around each other and all through the toy store and the taxi ride home he behaved himself. 

     When his mom pointed historical monuments out to him, instead of his usual, saracastic "How interesting" he said a genuine "Wow that's really cool!" and put his bony elbows on my lap while I scratched his back and he looked out the window. 

     I'm not saying that I have single-handedly begun some huge transformation and that we're going to become best buds and he's going to suddenly turn into this wonderful kid in the next three days. Change takes time. Love takes a heck of a lot of work and sometimes I just can't muster the will to love like I should. All I'm saying is that people can sense when they're being loved. And they respond to that. By loving you back. I'm also saying that I don't have to fly to Africa (or even Haiti) to find children to love. There's one right next to me that I've been ignoring for the last three weeks. 

     Anyway, about my day:

     I was awoken at 8:15 by JP switching the light on and off in our bedroom. I pulled the covers up over me and roller over with every intention of getting up...once he left. But that was not going to happen. JP walked over to my bed and started shaking me and saying "Time to get up!!!!" I groaned and pushed the covers back and sat up in bed just as JP began his second round of light switching. Once he realized I was up, he left the room to go announce my awakening while I gathered up some clothes and got dressed. We had a brief breakfast and my uncle got all of the luggage downstairs and into the taxi. 

     Once we got to the train station we had to wait an hour and a half for our train to arrive. Somehow I managed to have a conversation with my uncle for almost the entire duration of the wait. We even talked about politics. Turns out we voted for the same person in the primaries. Once it was time, we made our way to the platform...only to watch the train leave. We had missed the train. Apparently it hadn't been posted on the main announcement board so my uncle didn't find the right platform until it was too late. So we had to get new tickets for a train that was leaving in half an hour. My aunt and uncle lost €200 by missing the train, but at least we were able to get to Rome in a timely fashion. The ironic thing is that they had been telling me stories about how they had almost missed their train in France when JP was a toddler. The joys of traveling. The train ride was uneventful. I listened to music the whole time and fell asleep for about half the time but JP kept kicking my legs and I'd wake up for a moment before falling back asleep. I love trains. They're so peaceful. (That sounded sarcastic but I meant it seriously). 

     Once we got to Rome we had to take a 9-person taxi van to the hotel, not because our family is so huge but because we have so much luggage. Mind you, I only have a carry on and a backpack. I'm quite proud of that, as you can see. My aunt's suitcase has become known as "The Beast" because of its ridiculous size and weight. 

     Goodness gracious this post is long. I'm sorry. 

     We checked into the hotel, where we had a minor mishap with the rooms. Turns out they don't have adjoining rooms. So we just had to get two rooms next to each other. This turned out to be one sweet deal because JP wanted to hang out with his parents so I have this whole room to myself. He's not even sleeping in here. Bliss. Crap, unconditional love. Sorry. It's just...the space between the beds in this room is about two inches...and JP isn't even still in his sleep...

     I read in my room for a bit while JP watched his iPad in his parents' room and after about an hour, I heard the shouting start up. It didn't stop for a good half hour, and then by that point we were ready to leave. We got lunch and then went to the Trevi Fountain where we threw our coins in. Legend says that if you throw in one coin (with your right hand over your left shoulder) you'll come back to Rome, if you throw in two coins you'll find romance, if you throw in three, you'll get married, and if you don't throw in any you'll get divorced. Nice. I threw in one coin...it didn't even go in the water though. So I think that means I'm not coming back to Rome...or finding romance...or getting married. While we were there we heard all these people start whooping and cheering on the other side of the fountation so we looked over and saw a guy putting a ring on his girlfriend's finger. My uncle was like "Wow. Nothing like proposing in front of two hundred people" and I said sarcastically "So romantic". Get it? Like Rome? Ha ha. I mean I guess it's kind of romantic but it's not how I'd necessarily like to be proposed to...all hot and sweaty and surrounded but tourists. 

     After the Trevi Fountation we got gelato, went to the Pantheon, and looked at some other monuments, then had the drink/snack break I mentioned before going back home. For dinner my uncle and I found a take out place and brought food back for everyone to eat in the hotel room. Then I got a shower and now I'm chilling here (with my aunt. Turns out their bed isn't big enough for three people).  

     It's been a good day overall and now I'm going to bed. 

Day 962 Song Recommendation: I'll get one tomorrow. 

-SE Wagner