Winter 2021 Update

“Through enjoyment we endure.”

― Florence Ditlow

I can't believe that it is time for another update. This update may seem a little chaotic and that is because my life has been chaotic. I'll start with the not so great news. I quit my job in the beginning of December. There were a lot of reasons to quit but unfortunately I cannot share all of them. In short: I was not happy. I thought that I could make it at least a year which would help me pay for my masters but no. Because of this December was bleak. I was exhausted, defeated and ready for the holidays to be over. I did not want to have to explain to my family that I had quit my job. I wasn't ready to see the confusion and somewhat disappointment in their eyes because I was dealing with that myself. I wasn't even looking for jobs in December because I couldn't focus long enough and it was anxiety inducing. I was able to sign up for therapy though which has been fun to figure out. It was hard to do but I knew that I would not be able to move forward effectively without getting help. It has been helpful so far so I think it will be important to keep going.

As of right now I just accepted another job. This job isn't in social work which may be a positive. This job will be temporary but I'm grateful to have something. The number one question people have been asking me is if I'll go back to social work. Honestly, I don't know. I was planning on getting licensed shortly but I don't know if I'm going to do that. It does hurt to know that social work may not be my career since I spent years thinking that it would be. I spent years planning my future and that imagined future may not be mine. I'm back at square one. 

If I could say anything positive about this season it is that I have amazing friends. It is true that your best friends show up for you when you need them the most. It makes me emotional just thinking about it. I literally had friends from college calling me to see if I was alright. I haven't spoken to some of them in months. One friend called me almost everyday just to talk. Another tried to help me find a job. I genuinely don't know how I would have gotten through this without them. I'm so grateful. 

So what have I been doing to pass the time? Watching the news and baking bread. Lots of bread. Turns out I love it. I'm not great at it but to be fair I only started this month. My friends and family have graciously been eating the bread even if it's not great. Bread baking is hard but I love the challenge. I'm always writing in my 'bread journal' trying to figure out why a loaf didn't turn out perfect. Unfortunately I have not figured out why. The one thing I have learned though is that you need to be fast. When making bread everything has to be exact. The water temp needs to be perfect or the dough will be too cold and not rise. If your ingredients are not measured in grams it's probably not accurate enough. The temp of every ingredient is important for the proofing process. Yeast needs to go in the fridge after opening or it could get wet and die. I learned how to make a makeshift "proofer" in the oven because our house is too cold. If a dough rises for too long then the bread will be dense. If the bread doesn't proof enough then it will be dense. (my number one irritation with bread). It's been fun chaos. I've only used one recipe nine times so I'm going to move on. My plan was to prefect that recipe and then move onto the next one. I've made it so many times that I've memorized the ingredients and how to make it. I guess that's another positive if I needed to make mediocre bread in a hurry. The next recipe is a panned loaf so what's typically in a grocery store. I'm hoping that recipe will be more successful. 

In terms of the news I feel a lot better. The beginning of January was hell. January 7th was supposed to be a happy day. It was the day that Georgia had its runoff election and was about to become blue. This would mean that democrats would have majority in the house and congress. Then the news cut to domestic terrorists breaking into the capitol, attacking police officers and trying to get to senators. It was terrifying. I probably sat there for at least three hours waiting and wanting it to be over. I wasn't surprised by what I was seeing but at the same time I was shocked. The main emotion that I was feeling was rage. I knew that Brady was at work, in the capitol. I just wanted him to be okay. I don't know how the news was going to help me with that. I wondered if he would show up on the screen. It was around four pm that we found out that he was alright. Even though he was alright I didn't sleep well for the rest of the week. It's hard to believe that two weeks later the capitol held the inauguration for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. It was so beautiful to see people come together and to know that we were getting a new president. The nightmare that was Trump was coming to an end. When Biden and Harris were sworn in I was crying but I let out a sigh of relief. There was a president and vice president that cares about all Americans. I slept easy on January 20th. Now I don't feel worried whenever I turn on the news. Yes, I still worry but not as much.

It's February now and it snowed again this morning. I love winter but part of me is wishing for spring (without allergies). I'm still going to therapy once a week, I'm reading a lot more and meditating everyday. I want to get back into yoga but I'm trying to slowly transition into it. I'm finding that I love meditation and that I really needed it. I wish that I would have started sooner. Things are looking optimistic and I'm trying to enjoy it but I'm taking everything with a grain of salt right now. I'm hoping that the spring update will be positive.

DFTBA

-AB