2020 Summer Update

This update has been harder for me to write and I know why but I'm not ready to share it. There are so many little things that I want to update on but they feel too fresh in someways. I don't think this update will be very long but we'll see when I actually finish it. Summer is my least favorite season and honestly it's when I usually get depressed and more anxious. I hate hot weather and unfortunately we've had our fair share of hot weather. I thought that last summer would be my 'last summer'. It would be the last summer before graduating and getting a job. That hasn't been the case because of COVID-19. I interviewed for a job at the end of June and ended up getting that job. I just started this week because everything slowed down because of the pandemic. I can't say much about the job other than it's in mental health. This whole week has been dedicated to the orientation and I can sum it up in one word: overwhelming. I had to go to Frederick yesterday for orientation and I couldn't find the building. I was supposed to go to, I looked for it for forty five minutes, lost my car in a random parking lot and sweated in a computer room with a mask on my face. The orientation was not very helpful because it was all online and while there was someone there to answer our questions it wasn't the same. It was a ton of information that I felt the need to remember. The only saving grace was that I got to go to Wawa. There was one only six minutes away and I was thrilled. I drove there and when I walked in there was a twist in my stomach. When I was at the hospital for my internship there was a Wawa right next to the hospital. All the interns would drive over and we would buy way too much food. If we were busy that day someone would go and get food for all of us. Eventually what ended up happening is we didn't even need to ask what everyone wanted. Maggie always wanted dark chocolate kit kat bars, Courtney wanted a pretzel, Angela wanted Chex Mix and Kallie wanted a sub. I realized I wanted to go back to the hospital and see my friends again. Then when I got back to my car I got mad at myself. Whenever I was in Salisbury or Cambridge I wanted to be home. Now that I'm home I want to be back there? It's normal for me to miss my friends but I have a tendency to romanticize the past. I'm an INFP and a four on the enneagram so it makes sense. When I went to college I wanted to be back in high school, when I moved away from home all I wanted to do was go home. Now, because I'm out of college I want to be back in college. I realize that I didn't want to go back to any of those places because I loved them. Did I have good friends and memories? Yes. Was it as amazing as I made it out to be in my head? No. The reason that I want the past back is because it's familiar and comfortable. Comfortable does not equal good unfortunately. I want the past back because I knew that those parts of my life worked out in the end. My life right now is unknown and it's terrifying. I have no reason to believe that this won't work out and yet I feel that way. I'm worried that by the end of my orientation my supervisor is going to say something like, "This isn't going to work out." Then I'll be back at square one. The only thing that I have to go off of is the past. Yes, there are negatives but there are also positives. I did things that I didn't think I was strong enough to do. So if I was able to figure those situations or fears out then why not this one? The reality is that 'this' present will eventually become the past and honestly I might want it back one day because in the future I'll know that it worked out. I have to believe that whatever the outcome is that there was a reason for it.

I know that this update isn't like the other updates but there isn't much to update on. I'm reading again. My time is a lot more limited now but I'm doing my best. I've been writing a lot. I'm on my sixth journal for this year which is double what I normally would have. Whether or not that is a good thing I'll find out in the future. I can't complain right now though. We'll see what the fall update is like.

DFTBA

-AB