Unexpected Changes

Colt's favorite spot is still the end of my bed.

I don't really know what to title this right now.

It's been a really rough week to put it simply. My school has had issues with racist graffiti throughout this year. There were two incidents in one day on Wednesday. My internship has been hectic and slightly more draining then usual and classes are...classes. I feel done with school and since the ending is within reach I'm getting more and more antsy.  In reality I just want to be home. There are a lot of things going on with my family (not negative) and I'm not here to be a part of it. I hear about everything on Sunday when I facetime my family or when they facetime me. There was one announcement that put me over the edge and if asked to I would have gotten in my car to go home. By Wednesday I was emotionally exhausted and knew that it was time to go home even if it was only for a weekend. I cant miss any days of my internship without having to make them up so I left around seven after quickly packing up my car. I got home around eleven and couldn't wait to get to my bedroom and sleep in my bed. I wanted to see my books and pictures and things that felt like home. Over winter break I used the KonMari method to organize my stuff and had gotten rid of the majority of my things. What was in my room at that point was special to me and were things that meant a lot to me. It was all organized the way that I wanted it. When I opened the door and turned on the light I was shocked. 

My room was almost empty.

My bed was there but all my books were in boxes and none of my pictures were on the wall. My dresser wasn't even there. The first emotion I felt was shock, naturally. I was also exhausted after working an eight hour shift at the hospital and then driving four hours so I genuinely thought I was making it up in my head. Then my brain started to process everything and I realized that my room had been completely changed. Tears immediately filled my eyes and all I could do was look around the room. I took my Harry Potter books out of the boxes and put them on one of my bookshelves. I was so overwhelmed that I called my friend Wyatt. At that point I was verging on a panic attack. I prepared him through text that I was crying. The first thing he told me was to breathe and tell him what happened. It took me a few minutes to collect myself and I explained what my room looked like. The room was empty enough that the my voice literally echoed. He kept telling me that it was going to be okay and that I was okay. We talked for a few minutes and he told me that I should go to bed and see what was happening in the morning. 

If you know anything about me it's that I hate surprises. I hate being caught off guard. I'm not a huge fan of change either. If there is a change in my life I take time to prepare for it but I couldn't prepare myself for this. I'm sure there is some kind of psychological aspect to this. I had no idea what my parents were doing. I sat on the floor with Colt, bawling. All I wanted to do was relax in my room and I couldn't. I didn't understand why any of this was happening and I didn't know where my stuff was. I also couldn't wrap my head around the fact that someone went through my stuff and moved it (most likely to the basement). Luckily my journals are packed away in the closet. I sat there trying to process everything and the first thought that came to my mind is that my parents were preparing for my graduation and my room wasn't going to be my room anymore. Then I thought they had found a new house and were moving. 

Eventually my mom found me probably because my door was opened and the light was shining in their room. It took her a moment to realize that I was crying. I'm sure that my face was bright red and my eyes swollen. I couldn't even speak I was so upset. She explained to me that they were redecorating my room and wanted to surprise me. This means they're painting it, changing the carpet and getting new furniture, at least a dresser. All of this is because my parents are going to move after I move out someday and the room needs to look brand new. All my stuff will be moved back into the room but even after that I didn't feel much better. I can't imagine walking into my room before spring break and seeing everything completely changed. I think I would have internally exploded. Maybe the need to come home was a nudge from God so that wouldn't have happened. 

It's not that I am not grateful to have new furniture or newly painted walls. The reason I was upset is because I knew this room wasn't going to feel the same anymore. My walls won't be painted the light blue that I loved and still love from when I was ten. They'll be painted a neutral color that will appeal to buyers. My pictures won't be on the walls.  The dresser that I owned my whole life that was my mom's when she was a child is now in a burn pile. Now it's going to be replaced with white furniture. It was the fact that I wasn't even prepared that this was going to happen. 

I've lived in this house for twenty-two years and I am so grateful for that because I love this house and I always will. I don't know how you can contain twenty-two years of memories in one house but I have. This house was always home base and my room was always the place that I went to when I needed to calm down or relax. I was thinking earlier this week about how much I loved home. Then I had a dream I was sitting on my bedroom floor watching my furniture carried out of the room and into a moving truck. Now I'm trying to pick out which light shade of tan to paint my room.

I wish that there was some resolution this but there isn't. This was going to happen eventually anyway. My parents were never going to stay in this house forever. My mom loves change too much and I can't be mad at her for that. The reality is that someone is going to move into this room and they're going to make it their own. I hope they love books and Harry Potter. I hope they change the walls back to light blue at some point. That's a small piece of comfort.

DFTBA

-AB