An Update

It's so weird not blogging. I remember when I used to write a post almost everyday. It's hard not to blog but it's also hard to blog. We're not teenagers anymore and the things that we put on the internet, stay on the internet. When I think about the fact that anyone can access this blog, it makes my skin crawl a little. It's not that I'm ashamed of this blog or the things that we've written. How old were we when we even started this blog? Barely sixteen? I can proudly say that I am not the same as I was when I was sixteen. We literally have over a thousand posts on this blog and that is daunting. I'm almost twenty-two and honestly I don't know if I want people to be able to read some of these posts. Because of that it's harder for me to write on here. There's a lot of pressure not to reveal to much information in case someone does find this. I'm also in a field that takes privacy and confidentiality very seriously. At the same time I want to update on where I've been and what I've been doing.

Over the summer I had my internship at home, in foster care. Frankly, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I knew foster care was going to be difficult but I didn't know the full extent of it. At the same time I had a wonderful supervisor who was incredibly supportive and helpful. I got to work with a lot of amazing kids who now hold a special place in my heart. Because my internship was only three months I'm not going to know what happens with most of these kids. I don't know if they'll get adopted or live with their bio families and that's a little difficult for me. There's was one particular kid that I became close with and I would love to know how they're doing. They were diagnosed with anxiety at a very young age and would sometimes have outbursts. I won't know though because it's not really my business. All I can do is hope and pray that the best decision was made for him and that he'll be able to thrive wherever they are.

I've started my internship for this year (field placement) at the hospital. I'm going into my fourth week and I already have a bunch of stories. Unfortunately, I can't share any of them. That may just be me being overly cautious but I think that's important. The other interns are really great and we're all getting along. A lot of the patients that I'm working with struggle with some form of schizophrenia. I could barely spell schizophrenia spell schizophrenia before my internship and now it's a word and an illness I'm becoming very familiar with. Most people who work in the mental health field pick an illness to focus their career on, especially psychiatrists and therapists with private practices. There are a plethora of mental illnesses and it's impossible to be an expert on all of them. I always thought that if I did work in the mental health field that I would pick depression or anxiety. Now i'm leaning towards personality disorders. That might change in the future but we'll see. It's humbling to work with these people. I can tell that a lot of them don't trust me or the other interns and building relationships with them will be crucial. On one of the the first days one the patients said to an intern, "I hope you don't think i'm a low-life because i'm in here." Naturally, we tried to assure them that we didn't think that. It really makes you wonder what things have been said to them and mostly what society has taught them about mental illness.

I've been reading so much this year. I'm trying to get to a hundred books but that is most likely not going to happen. I've been trying to read more books about schizophrenia and personality disorders which takes up most of my free time. Maybe I can make a recommendation post at the end of the year. These books are making me think about what I want to do in the future and how far I want to go in my career. It's daunting more than anything but also exciting. Then fear comes into play and I wonder if I'm strong enough to be able to handle any of it.

In terms of homesickness I'm still struggling. It's definitely not as bad as it was last year. I miss home and I miss my dog. I already went home for this month. Mostly, I just wanted to see Colt and sleep in my own bed. When I got home after driving four hours in rush hour traffic I almost started crying. The air was cool and crisp, in the 60s probably. I didn't even turn off the car when I got to the house. I wanted to see Colt that badly. Colt was excited to see me which is always reassuring. I spent most of the weekend at home, doing nothing which is exactly what I wanted. Now I'm back at school and I should be doing homework. I certainly have enough of it.

DFTBA
-AB