Dear Dakota, Chill Out

It is now Day 2 of being back from Spring Break (day 4 by the time I publish this post), and I have remained surprisingly calm about life in general--a far cry from how I was feeling the week BEFORE spring break, when I had like a million things due on top of hiring TEN NEW EMPLOYEES for The Pulse. I was high key stressed out, and freaking myself out over it. But then I got home for spring break, and even though I told myself I was going to do epic amounts of homework and epic amounts of Pulse work, and even though I did get a fair amount done, I also realized something huge: I need to epically chill the heck out. 

Why, pray tell? Multiple reasons. Firstly, it's bad for my health. When I'm freaking out, I forget to eat, and I literally wake up in the middle of the night just thinking about work, which is the most counterproductive thing in the world. Secondly, the world does not revolve around me. I realized all over again on spring break that nobody was actually waiting with bated breath for my email responses and meeting set-ups. They were all trying to enjoy their spring breaks too, and getting email replies from me probably just stressed them out unnecessarily. Thirdly, I have sacrificed so much of my enjoyment and creativity in order to do my job(s) and schoolwork to the best of my ability--and I am sick and tired of it. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again and I stand by it, but college is really great at sucking the life out of you. You forget all the hobbies and interests and hang out spots and boredom busters you used to love because you don't have time for anything outside of everything you have to do for school and work, and then on the rare occasion you actually have some free moments, your brain is so fried that all you want to do is numb it with some mindless Netflix. Ugh. It's the worst and I hate that I've turned into this zombie shell of my former self. 

But anyway, back to chilling out: Spring Break was helpful in making me take a very necessary step back and realize that the self loathing about not being able to do everything and the unrealistic belief that everyone else is whole-heartedly relying on me to do my job in order for them to survive were pushing me to the brink of having a major meltdown. But then it turned out I didn't actually have to have a melt down! Instead, I could just bake some dump cake, and buckle, and peanut butter rice krispie treats. I could just watch reruns of my favorite show ever (Christy FTW). I could just go on car rides with my Dad with no idea where we were going. I could just go on a crazy camping adventure with one of my oldest friends and the world I left behind momentarily wasn't going to crumble without me holding it up. I could go to New York for a day for no other reason than to try fancy lattes and gyro bowls and humongous cookies and nobody would be disappointed in me for doing that instead of replying to a string of emails. 

So then I was like "well, if that's true when I'm at home, then it's probably true at school too." Like yeah it's not spring break anymore, so I do actually have to work my allotted hours again--but that's all! I don't have to work more than that! I'm only getting paid for ten hours a week, so really, that's all I'm expected to do. Plus, I sometimes forget that I'm in college, and I'm supposed to be a young person and do random fun things just because I'm young and I can. 

So I sat myself down and had a good hard talk with myself about all this, and I made myself promise that I would practice intentional chillness. I stink at doing anything "intentional", but I'm going to try try try. I will cut myself off once I've worked my ten hours at The Pulse (unless there's an emergency). I will use my spare time to do things that are actually edifying instead of vegging on YouTube, Netflix, or Instagram. I will have some perspective about things, and try to remind myself daily that the world is not depending solely on me, and it's okay if I put this one work thing on hold to do something memorable with people I love instead. I will say yes to good things, and I will say no to things that will cause me undue stress. I will delegate, for goodness sake, like I'm supposed to! I will cherish these days that are starting to warm up and look like spring. I will be chill if it kills me. (Note the oximoron). Like I said, all I can do is try my best. 

-VaughnDL