Christmas Wasn't Always Merry

     The Christmas season has felt very different this year. I've noticed more and more that as I get older, I don't count down the days till Christmas anymore because it comes so soon that I don't even have time to wait and wish for it. Every year I feel like I'm less and less prepared for Christmas. For example, I've never gone shopping on Christmas Eve before but TJ and I went out shopping for gifts for my parents today so I guess there's a first time for everything. I don't recommend Christmas Eve shopping. It's stressful and everyone is in a rush and also stressed and everywhere is crowded and traffic sucks and it really takes the Christmas spirit out of you. Luckily we got what we needed/wanted to get and also wound up getting lunch together so it wasn't all bad. And TJ was ever-patient with me even when I was being annoying and moody and kept saying all the flowers were ugly at Wegman's and rejected all of the bouquets he suggested until we wound up getting my mom a potted orchid...Honestly, coming home kind of brings out the witch in me because during the semester I'm like overly nice and kind to everyone around me but then when I come home it's like all the snarky negativity that's been bottled up inside me comes out and I take it out on my family.

     

     Anyway. The point of this post was just to a) make a post and b) admit that Christmas isn't quite as fun the older you get. I told DL the other day that it's so weird to watch how Christmas changes as you get older, like when you're young it's all about you and you don't even remember anyone else opening presents and you don't get anyone else anything except maybe some ugly homemade ornament for your parents and then when you're older it's rude not to get people stuff but it's like okay these old people can buy themselves whatever they need or want so what do I get them? More useless junk?? (that's a direct quote from our texts lol). I really enjoy getting people gifts and watching them open it but like I said, sometimes it's hard to get people anything when you know they have basically everything they need or want and if there is something they need or want that they don't have, they can just go to the store and buy it. Even I'm at that point where I don't really want anything for Christmas because I already have so much stuff that's just sitting in drawers or cabinets or closets, unused. This Christmas I got a new pair of glasses, boring stuff for Spain like shampoo and a 5 subject notebook and deodorant, a new watch from Walmart, and two pairs of shoes. 

     I'm realizing more and more that (as cheesy as this sounds), the best part of Christmas morning is that I get to spend it with my parents and my brother. It sounds so simple and normal and easy, but as I get older, I realize it is so so rare. My family is riddled with divorces, separations, bad marriages, and drama. My immediate family is the only one of my extended family that will have a mom and a dad and all their kids together on Christmas morning. At church, we had a message about how it can be hard to go home during the holidays and how the holidays for a lot of people are filled with sadness and loneliness. It's never been hard for me to come home. I've never been sad or lonely around the holidays. But I can tell you right now, for most of my friends and family, that reality--the reality that the holidays can be lonely, sad, depressing, anxiety-inducing, stressful, and full of drama--is a reality they've known for far too long. Something that might sound depressing but I thought was really interesting and important that our pastor said was that the first Christmas was not a merry Christmas. Jesus was born in a barn. We glamorize it, but that's not glamorous. There were no epidurals in those days...Mary was in a crap ton of pain. She'd just ridden on a freaking donkey dozens of miles while 9 months pregnant. Riding on a donkey under normal circumstances is painful, but imagine riding on a donkey while hours away from giving birth to a child. None of Mary or Joseph's family was there. It was just the two of them, and they were so young! Joseph was maybe 16-20 and Mary was between 13-15, based off of estimates that take into account Jewish marriage customs at the time. They were teenagers. Younger than me! Mary was giving birth to a child conceived by the Holy Ghost. A ghost!! Like please, let's take a second to translate this to modern terms. 

     

     Let's say you're a girl. You're 14 years old, living y
our life as a scared little high school freshman when bam! this angel comes down and tells you that a ghost has impregnated you. So now you have to tell your boyfriend that some ghost got you pregnant...Okay, now let's say you're this girls' boyfriend. You know your parents will kick you out if they find out your girlfriend is pregnant, so the easiest thing to do is walk away. But you're a nice guy so you're getting ready to let her down easy when bam! an angel comes down and tells you your girlfriend is telling the truth and that you're meant to marry her and be the adopted father of the son of God. Flash forward nine months and you're taking your girlfriend to the hospital on a tandem bike. When you get there they're like "Aw man, sorry buddy, but we're all filled up!" So then you find a shed nearby and you're scared poopless because now it's pitch black outside and there's no light in the shed and your girlfriend is giving birth to a ghost's baby (will it even be human??? what do ghost babies look like?)  and then wham! your girlfriend is holding the son of God and these strangers are coming into the shed with presents for the baby and you're like "how did you even know we were here? how do you know who my kid is?" and there's a farmer there too, and he's brought his sheep and cows into the shed and it's way crowded and smells really bad because um, cows and sheep. You're still scared, and your girlfriend is still scared, because how do you raise God's only son???? What if you mess up? And why you?? Weren't there other eligible bachelors? But you do it anyway, because there's something about that baby, fully human (thank goodness, because you didn't know if you'd be able to raise a ghost baby (how would you even hold it?)) and yet somehow...so much more. 

That's what Christmas is. Christmas is messy, imperfect, scary, and so beautiful.

-SE Wagner