2018

2018 is coming to an end and I honestly can't believe it. Right now I'm sitting on my bed and reflecting on everything that has happened and it doesn't seem real. About or month or two again it was getting to the point where I needed to pick my new Giving Key. My word for this year was 'Rise'. I can't exactly remember why I picked that word. I knew I was throwing around some words and 'Rise' came to mind. At the time I hadn't even applied to colleges yet and I had no idea what the next year held in store for me. I think it was a push for me to do the things that I was scared to do. I knew that I could write down the things I wanted to do but actually doing them is different. I knew decisions needed to be made, relationships needed to be reevaluated and I needed to focus on myself. I did the best that I could and I think I made the right decisions.

I can't go into great detail about everything that happened this year. I originally planned on doing a 'Journal Overview' where I would share quotes from my journals but that was too much. It would have been overly personal. The one journal I really wanted to avoid was the first journal of the year. That was probably when I was at my lowest. It's amazing how in almost a year I feel completely different from that person. I didn't feel that there was going to be any positive quotes so I skimmed through that journal. It wasn't until my second skim through that I found a quote that made me stop...

February 7, 2018

“I knew things would work out in the end…just not the way we wanted them to. It’s hard but it’s going to be okay. I constantly worry that the hard things in our life will break us beyond repair. Breakups, losing friends, getting older, long distance etc. It never does though. We just readjust, slowly. We become stronger until something else comes along and then we repeat the process.”

I was completely blown away by what I wrote. Then I was comforted by the fact that the things in our lives will never completely break us. I only wish that I saw the quote sooner or at some point throughout the year. There were multiple hardships throughout the year and I can tell you the one that hurt the most without even thinking about it. I had to say goodbye to someone that meant a lot to me. Words cannot even describe how much I loved and still love this person. I will always remember sitting in the coffee shop, telling them it was over and watching them walk out the door. Tears started to well up in my eyes because I knew that was going to be the last time I would see them. I watch them walk away until they are completely out of view. I look at the woman on the laptop across from me and wonder if she heard any of our conversation but she seems undisturbed. Then I feel sick to my stomach and it feels like I did something wrong. Maybe there was something else that I could have done to make it right. This is probably the first time that I've said goodbye to someone and it hurt. I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt anymore. In that moment I would have done anything to make them stay and hope that they would change. I couldn't change that person and I think a part of myself knew that and the other didn't believe it. I loved that person but I needed to love myself more.

It was shortly after that I moved to Salisbury. It was a huge and difficult transition. Not only was I heartbroken but I was living with seven other people and it was suffocating at some points. I would go through depressive episodes with a complete stranger in the room. If I had a panic attack I had to hide in the bathroom. I wasn't sleeping at night and I was irritable and emotional all the time. I didn't feel comfortable enough to drive home so I felt trapped. It was finally in the middle of October that Katelyn offered to drive me home. I could have hugged her I was so thrilled. Then when I got back to school I seriously considered moving to a different room. Luckily, it was approved and I know that I made the right decision. My sleeping has improved and I'm able to get away. While I still miss home I've made a schedule for this semester where I could go home on the weekend whenever I want. I can imagine that being once a month.

The word that I chose for this year is, 'Breathe'. The first thing that goes in a panic attack is your breath. Once your brain programs that and then you start to panic so you start hyperventilating, you start to feel dizzy, paralyzed and all logical thought is gone. It's a word that I probably should have had sooner. It's a reminder not only to breathe but to let go. It's a reminder not to think to much and to enjoy the moment.

Here's to more beautiful and brutal moments.

DFTBA
-AB