When You Experience Homophobia for the First Time

It was inevitable, it was going to happen. I knew that when I came out I was going to experience blatant homophobia. When I first came out to myself I told myself that I would never come out. I knew that I didn't have to. If I didn't come out then people would only be able to speculate. I knew even at a young age that it was dangerous to be different. When we were are born we are automatically put into a mold. I was put into a mold, made by society. If I dared to break from that mold I would become a target. I didn't want to be a target. I wanted to be safe and secure. The problem with trying to be safe and secure is that there is a tension. The tension is created by constantly being aware of what you're doing. You're constantly gauging a room of people. You're aware of every word you say. You're wondering if you physically look to different. I still do that today. Even with your constant care you cannot protect yourself from everything. I knew that staying in the closet would have destroyed me. I decided to take the chance and release some of my tension. 

I can't exactly pinpoint the first time I experienced homophobia. All the memories kind of blur together. I've been called, a fag, a pervert, sick and diseased. I've been told that I hate the bible and I'm a stupid liberal. Strangely, I can deal with that. Those memories aren't the memories that hurt the most. Those memories are the not first to stick out. One memory sticks out more than all the rest. During my spring semester I had to do a project on a social issue. I think I've talked about this before. My group and I decided to do it on LGBT Teen Suicide. It was one of the most rewarding projects I've ever done. I worked really hard on it and I was proud of it. I had taken a leadership position in the group and it was intimidating. I didn't know if I was good enough to be in charge. It came to the point where we had to present the project. I walked my group through what was going to happen. We went over it countless of times. It didn't take me long to realize I had overdone it. The other power points were simple. It was clear that no one was stressed about the project. I guess it's better than not doing enough. By the time it was over There was the general questions and applauds. I noticed one student in the back of the room raise their hand. We all knew this classmate very well. She was very opinionated and closed-minded. One of my friends asked me, "How will she possibly survive in the field?" We're supposed to be the one that's accepting of everyone. We're supposed to be the ones to help people, even if we disagree. She was religious, which is fine but she pushed her views. Before we knew it she was standing up and started talking. She was talking about how someone could change their sexual orientation. That her daughter once showed 'gay tendencies' but they 'fixed' it. Her daughter was acting more masculine and obviously that was a problem. She said that you could change your sexual orientation if you 'believed' and 'prayed' enough. When I looked at my other students they were angry. I could tell that even my professor didn't know what to do. When I sat down everyone looked at me and I couldn't do anything. I'm not angry that nobody said anything. It was completely out of left field. After the class someone came up to me and apologized but I waved them away and smiled at them. It wasn't their fault for something someone else said and believed. 

I am not a confrontational person. I guess that's a good thing for a social worker. After that incident happened I remembered something else that happened a few months earlier. I was in my biology lab and my group was pretty close. We helped each other out and it was great. One Thursday we got the lab done early and waited for our classmates to finish so we could leave. I can't even remember what we were talking about. One of my classmates said, "That's so gay." The people around the table laughed and didn't think much of it. I looked at one of my friends and they said, "I didn't say it." Months before he was asking me about how to be a better ally and what not to say. Saying, "That's so gay" was one of them. I deflated a little when he said that. I mean, he was right, he didn't say it. I went home and thought to myself, "Yeah, you didn't say anything." Being an ally is speaking the truth when it's not easy. It may have repercussions for you but imagine how the minority will feel. It means the world to someone when you stand up for them. 

That one friend is becoming a pastor. He's a religious person but he's also somewhat open-minded. It didn't take me long to talk about my own church experiences and the fact that I'm gay. He wasn't angry and he didn't judge. That being said, we had heated but friendly debates. We're both very passionate and opinionated people. We challenged each other's beliefs and that's not a bad thing. He couldn't understand why I didn't want to convert my non-Christian friends. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't hang out with me when if he was in a relationship. One day I asked him if he would preform gay marriages and he said no. I wasn't surprised but I was somewhat hurt. That question lead to other questions like, "Will you baptize gay people?" or "Will you let gay people join the church?" Even though we didn't agree, we remained friends. Then I got a call from them a few days ago. They were talking about a mission trip they went on. It wasn't like the mission trips that I had been on. They were on the streets of Chicago trying to convert people. Nearing the end of the conversation he said something that surprised me. He was talking to the pastor about including the LGBT community in the church. I was completely taken back.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because of you."

Then it hits me. Once again I reminded that I did the right thing. It was the right choice for me to come out, to break the mold. I may be "incorrectly female' or in the minority but that's okay. I could have ignored or left my friend before. It wouldn't have done anything though. I've come to love and respect them even though we disagree. If we're only spending time with people who agree with us, we're doing something wrong. If we don't have relationships with people who are different from us, nothing will change. We can change all the laws we want but real change won't happen unless we change minds. I will experience homophobia for the rest of my life. I will be called a fag again. I will be afraid to hold my girlfriend's hand in public. I will be stared at. That's not okay but it also is. I'll take it for the next generation. My hope and prayer is that one day no one will ever be called a fag again. That's overly ambitious and probably won't happen. That's fine but I'll keep fighting anyway. 

I'm not angry with that student. I'm not angry because anger does nothing. It's not powerful enough to make change happen. When you hold anger, it becomes destructive. I feel sorry for her more than anything. I feel sorry for her because she believes that you need to fit the mold. She has taken God and made him into an angry dictator. I feel sorry for her because there isn't one way to be a Christian. She chooses fear and judgement and I want no part of it. I will always choose love. I don't have the strength to carry the anger. I don't have the time. All anger does is spread hate and achieves nothing. Love gives us the strength to let go and release the tension. I choose love and I always will. People can call me what they want but it won't break me. I've already broken the mold. You can't break me.

DFTBA

-AB