Bohemian Rhapsody

Bohemian Rhapsody will always hold a special place in my heart. Growing up, I wanted to be Freddie Mercury. My dad loves rock and country music. Because of this rock and country were always on the radio or playing in our house. I would take my dad's cowboy boots (circa 1985) and would walk around the house screaming, "We Will Rock You". My most famous performance was on Christmas morning after opening presents. My parents and my brother would always laugh. My family never loved Queen as much as I did. Eventually, we stopped listening to them because my brother and I developed our own music taste. Brady loves old country and I'll listen to pretty much anything except old country. I never stopped listening to Queen though.

My mom and I had to go to Salisbury this weekend for Orientation. It's about a three and half hour drive and we decided to go a day early. Our plan was to go to the beach for the day and stay at a hotel. It was a cloudy day and it even began to rain. Mom was persistent though and wanted to stay. We waited out the rain and stayed there for a few hours. Eventually, I walked back to the hotel to shower and take a nap. When mom got back she wanted to go out to eat and I was still in a sleep daze. After we got dinner, we went to the boardwalk and I was able to get some pictures. As we were walking to leave I saw a group of Evangelicals on the right side. They held signs that said things like, "Are you going to heaven?" or "Do you want to take a test?". Naturally, there was someone preaching and screaming. There were also extensive drawings. Without even thinking about it I rolled my eyes and shook my head as we passed. Most of the people there were children and teenagers. I kept wondering if someone in that group was like me. What if they were in the closet and afraid to come out. Maybe some of those kids didn't even want to be there. 

We walked back to the car and decided to go shopping. We only went to two stores and were exhausted by the end of it. I was sitting in the car while mom was in the last store. I took my phone and plugged it in so that I could listen to music. The first song that came on was Bohemian Rhapsody. It's one of the few songs that can make me stop what I'm doing and listen. It's a song that has been with me through good and bad times. I started to listening to it when I came out to myself. I believe the song is about Freddie coming out and overcoming his demons. The song is about acceptance of self and I love that. I love that the song is filled with metaphors and that it's constantly changing moods. The lyrics were meaningful and strong. To me it perfectly encapsulated what it was like to come out and come to terms with yourself. You have to let the person you thought you were die and accept the person you are. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I listened to this song. When it came on, tears filled my eyes for reasons I couldn't completely understand. I guessed it was my history with the song. The fact it was on repeat all the time my senior year. The fact that it was playing when I came out to my mom. The fact that it just happened to come on. I put the song on repeat and we listen to it the whole way back to the hotel. I haven't been able to sleep for a few days. I went to bed that night and fell asleep almost immediately. 

I've been struggling with my faith for months. I've probably been struggling with it longer than that. I don't go to church anymore, I can't open my bible anymore and I pray for others but not myself. I used to think about God everyday and I don't anymore. The past few months have also been rough. Sleeping has been a challenge, I had to end a relationship that meant a lot to me and dealing with loneliness. It's so easy to think about the difficulties and all of the things that I don't have. I can't sleep very well or that person I loved isn't in my life anymore. It's hard. It's hard to focus on the positive when everything tells you not to. I used to lean on my faith, my church for reassurance and I don't have that anymore. Maybe in a way I was jealous of what those Evangelicals had. I don't agree with them but they had the faith to stand on a boardwalk and preach. I didn't. Now I'm sitting here wondering if Bohemian Rhapsody coming on was a nudge from God. Maybe it was the smallest of reminders that God is still here. Maybe it was God telling me that they accept me.  Maybe it was reminder that the small 'insignificant' moments are the ones we remember and mean the most. They are the moments that keep us going.

Thank you God

DFTBA

-AB