Coming Out: One Year Later

I've been trying to come up with a post all day. I had a few ideas but nothing really stuck. I've stepped away from the computer now and I think I'm ready to write a post. As I was sitting at the computer I realized that it's been a little over a year since I came out to the world. It feels like forever ago now. I realized how much I've changed since I first came out not to the world but to myself. It's almost been three years and I wanted to be able to write a letter to that seventeen year old. Here's the product of that...

Dear 17 year old me,

I'm struggling to figure out what to say to you. I know right now you would love some words of wisdom and guidance. I wish that I could say that I'm full of wisdom and guidance. I've realized though that the idea of our future self won't live up to our expectations. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have goals but don't idolize your twenty year old self. I'm a cool person but I'm not that cool. In a way, I'm still the same person. I don't want to start off this letter by telling you all the things your doing wrong. I wanted to point out how strong you are. You came out to yourself in a pretty terrifying time of your life. You live in a small, conservative bubble of a town. I can still feel how scared you are. It's okay though, you didn't come out. I don't say this because it wouldn't have been a good idea. I'm saying it because you were not ready. You've always been so eager to share who you are but you listened to your gut. As much as you wanted to share, you didn't. You told the people you loved, the people who would show up and I'm proud of you. That's what you need at the time, love and support. You needed time to figure out more about yourself on your own time. You're stronger than you think and I am amazed by how you handled your senior year of high school. You were going through a lot that year and you handled it with grace. There were curve balls thrown at you and it scared you. Things happened that weren't supposed to happen but you survived. You were strong even when you thought you couldn't be strong anymore. Were you perfect? No, but that's not the point. Stop trying to be perfect, it won't happen.

I'll never forget the day that you came out to yourself. It was a warmish October day. I think it was a Sunday. You were reading the book, Confess by Colleen Hoover. It was a book about anonymous confessions. You were so inspired that you wrote your own list in a journal. In that list you told yourself you were bisexual. You were terrified, sad but also somewhat relieved. You pushed it aside though and finished the book. A few days later you came home around noon. You were only going to high school for half of the day. You skipped your college classes because you weren't able to pay attention in class. You went to the computer and went on the Buzzfeed website to watch LGBT related videos. I don't know why you did this and I don't think you did either. You did a lot of crying for the rest of the month because you didn't know what was going to happen. There were some highlights to that month though. You wrote a letter to Swag and DL, coming out. It was a few days before your eighteenth birthday. They responded the way that you expected. They told you that they supported and loved you. You were on the way to your birthday party at your cousin's house. Your other friends showed up as well.

You will read every LGBT book in the library. You will watch almost every LGBT movie on Netflix because you can. You spent so many years turning the channel and ignoring movies that were 'LGBT'. You even skipped The Office episode when Oscar was outed because you didn't want to watch it. It was freeing to be able to watch and read what you wanted. It was nice to not have to change the channel or turn your head. You'll eventually watch the episode and laugh when Dwight buys "gaydar".

You will be able to sleep one day. I know that you're having trouble sleeping. I know that your scared and I know that your dreams aren't helping. You will stop waking up in the middle of the night though. You will stop waking up at four in the morning. You'll actually start sleeping in until 7:30 which is something you never thought you could do.

You will know that God loves you. You are so worried that you'll be damned to hell for being gay. That's what you were taught growing up. You don't fit the Christian mold and therefore, there's something wrong with you. You are scared that God doesn't love and that your gayness is something to be fixed. How could God forgive you for a sin that you're not actively trying to change? You'll find out that you don't have to fit into the mold. You'll know that God's love is unconditional and that God made you gay. Being gay is not a choice.

You will leave your church. I know that this might come as a shock to you. You put so much of who you are and your worth in Christians. You poured you heart and work into a place and people you don't see anymore. You believed that you were safe and secure in that place because how could you not? You were promised love and support and that's not what you got. I know that this is extremely painful, that's understandable. You were not respected though once they found out you were different. People who didn't really know you made assumptions about you. They took a stereotype and it pinned it to you. You were angry when someone you loved left before you did, taking your secret with them. You learned that it's okay to leave sometimes. Leaving doesn't always equate giving up and it doesn't mean you're weak. When you left you made a statement about how you should be treated. You told them that what they did was not okay. You knew that it wasn't a good idea to stay and one day you'll walk out of those doors and you won't go back. I'm sure there were assumptions made and gossip about you but you can't think about that. You will feel better one day.

You will survive high school. I know how much you hated high school and there is an end. You're worried whether or not you'll like college and you will. You will actually start learning topics that you're passionate about with people who care about you. You won't shrink every time you enter a classroom. You will start finding people who you don't have to worry about coming out to. There is more to life than your small town. You will become more brave and start discussing the things that matter to you. You will become more comfortable in who you are as a person.

You'll be surprised by how kind and open people are. You will meet some incredible people in your classes. You'll learn that everyone is struggling with something. Because of this people are more compassionate than you think. There will be people who don't agree with you but respect you. The respect and understanding makes all the difference. There will also be people who are willing to listen.

You will be okay. Honestly, you will be okay. I know how scared you are of the future and I understand. You can't look to far in the future but I know what happens. I'm not going to say that your life gets easier. In fact it becomes more difficult sometimes. You have survived it and you will continue to survive your future struggles. It will continue to be okay. Just remember, the kids are alright.

DFTBA
-AB