Oversharing With Myself

This has been a topic that's been on my heart for a while. A few months ago I saw two things that made me think. One of my favorite YouTuber's is OverallAdventures. All of her videos have to do with journaling and I love it. She made a video talking about journaling with a mental illness. In the video she talked about things she believes you should and shouldn't do when it comes to mental illness. I don't know why but the video really stayed with me, it even bothered me. Then DL wrote a post called, Why I Don't Record Everything In My Diary. When I read it I became overly offended. It had nothing to do with DL, what she wrote or how she writes in her journal. Instead, it had everything to do with me and my own struggles. The reason the posts bothered me was because it hit a nerve. They both shined a bright light on something that I was struggling with.
When I started college I was writing, all the time. Whenever I had free time, my journal was out and I was writing about my thoughts, feelings and about my life. At the time it was freeing to be able to talk about what was going on in my head. I probably needed to word dump for a certain period of time because it was helpful. I didn't end up stopping though, I wrote pretty much every day about what I was feeling. I wrote about my struggle with mental illness without even thinking about it. It wasn't until this semester that I realized how mentally damaging it was. For Sid's birthday I decided that I was going to compile all the journal entries that he was in into a separate journal. It forced me to read my journal entries and that was tough. When I finish a journal I put it in a plastic bin and start another one. I don't look at them or think about them all that often. I guess I assumed that I would look at them much later, when I was a 'different' person. As I started to read the entries I was shocked. I was shocked by how dark some of them were at certain parts. I always assumed that my journal entries were harmless. I knew that they weren't going to be happy all the time but still. I've always tried understand the difference between making yourself vulnerable and oversharing with others. I didn't think that I was oversharing but I also wasn't careful about what I put in my journal. When dark and sad thoughts came I not only let them enter my mind but I wrote them down and in a way that finalized them. I started with my senior year journal and as I kept reading they got worse. The reasons the journals got darker was because I believed and let myself feel those feelings to much. It became normal to write everything that came to mind when I needed to. I never knew that you could overshare with yourself.  I sincerely believed that I was helping myself by writing, my overall mood should have told me that it wasn't.
After I looked at those certain entries I got scared. I stopped writing, completely. I've been writing about my life in one way or another for about eight years. Eight years, I've expressed feelings, wrote memories and shared pictures in my journals and on the internet. How do you go cold turkey on something you've been dedicated to for almost a decade? I almost wrote a post about it but I was to embarrassed and I didn't think it would help. It was something that I needed to deal with and not something that I was ready to shared. I was embarrassed because instead of living in the real world I was living in my mind and between the pages of my journals. In February I stopped writing in my journal. It was probably one of the hardest things I'd ever done. I forced myself to do other things to get out of my head. I told myself that I could start writing again in March with exceptions. I sat down and wrote guidelines that I thought would be beneficial.

1. Don't write in the heat of the moment.

This is the hardest one. I always have my journal with me and it's so easy to pull it out and write. It's easiest to write when feelings are strong. You feel like you'll have the most to say and you will. At the same time you don't need to write all of it down.

2. Ask yourself questions before you write.

It's easy to ask questions and harder to answer honestly. Ask yourself questions like, "What emotion am I feeling the most?" and then, "Is it a good idea for me to write that down?"

3. Talk to someone.

It's so much easier to write than to talk. We write the first thing that comes to mind without much thinking. There's not instant feedback or the feelings of another person. Sometimes it's better to have the feedback.

4. Make a list.

Before you start writing make a list about what you're going to write about. Don't just write about the things that happened but your feelings. If something doesn't seem right, don't write it.

5. If you notice yourself becoming harsh, stop.

I'm a firm believer that you're your worst critic. You always think about what you're going to write about before you write it down. If something doesn't feel right, go back and read what you've written and reevaluate. 

6. Consider getting rid of the entry.

If you need to word dump then write it somewhere else. Get a piece of paper and go to town, do not reread it. When you're finished throw it away. You'll feel better and eventually you will forget what you said. 

7. Pray

I don't pray very often. I pray for others but I don't pray for myself. It's not because I don't have faith but because it's hard. Prayer is a humbling and vulnerable experience. You're sitting with the creator the world and you, it's intimidating. At the same time it's helpful and it feels purposeful afterwards. 

8. "If your song does not teach hope, don't teach someone else to sing it."

This is a beautiful quote but I can't remember who said it. I have to be okay with the fact that someone might read my journals. The future generations of my family might read my innermost thoughts. What is the overall message that I want to send to them. What do I want them to know and think about me? I don't want my song to be about only struggle and loss. I also don't want my song to be completely about only happiness. Hope is the mix of struggle and joy and there's always hope. If your song has hope then you can leave it and people can do what they want with it. 

I've started to write again. In the beginning because I was cautious because I assumed I would go back. I haven't though. I write about the hard things but I'm careful. I'm careful about what I say to myself and about myself. It is so difficult but it's worth it. I ordered a journal off of Amazon and it came today. I was so excited because I had been saving for this leather journal and it looked amazing. I waited all morning and then the journal came and it didn't look anything like the one online. It was a leather journal but it was darker and it had a different design and the gem wasn't the right color. It was somewhat scuffed up. I was irritated and somewhat disappointed. I left the journal at the desk as I began to write this post. When I finished I looked at the journal and I realized something. I could be irritated or I could accept what was. It wasn't an ugly journal in fact it was still beautiful. It just wasn't the beautiful that I expected it to be and I think that's not just about life but about my life. It's not what I expected but it's pretty great. My life is my story and I want to show the unexpected times and also the beautiful parts. Why would I only write about the negative parts?

DFTBA
-AB