Growing Pains & Friendships

I've been trying to write a post for a few days now. I've been trying to write in general for the past few days. I think it's because I've been avoiding what I've been wanting to write. I always worry that what I'm writing is to dramatic or always serious. To avoid this, I've stopped writing sometimes. This isn't a new thing. I'm a very reflective/sentimental/sensitive person. I think with the right side of my brain, I'm a creative and I can get dramatic. This is who I am.

A few weeks ago I was cleaning my closet and I found my yearbooks. I don't look at yearbooks because high school wasn't exactly the happiest time of my life. I was in the closet and my mental health wasn't great. When you're in high school it feels like that it is the end all be all. I felt like it was never going to end and luckily, it did. I'm here now, I'm out of the closet and I'm learning how to better take care of myself. For some reason I pulled the yearbooks down and started reading what people had written and I was shocked. I was so surprised by how nice people were and how others actually felt about me. It was strange and refreshing to read what people had written. I remember reading those comments for the first time and I blew a lot of them off. The one that got me the most was from senior year.  I genuinely believed that I was not that great and that people were writing what they wrote because it was senior year and we were nostalgic. The comment that got me the most was from Cassandra. I won't share everything she said but I'll share a snippet...

"Just like with Swag and DL, I feel weirdly emotionally invested in your life because of your blog...Even though I'm not the most peppy, optimistic, I find myself acting that way when I'm around you..."

I don't know why that made me emotional but it did. I don't even know if Cassandra still reads the blog. Regardless, I was shocked to see other comments that said the variation of the same thing. It was nice to see that I was actually able to make others somewhat happy. Fast forward to Saturday. My family left to go to a wedding and I was home alone for the weekend. I didn't mind that much because I have finals this week and I wanted to study and binge watch Golden Girls and Brooklyn 99. I was really tired Saturday so I didn't do much of anything. A friend had texted me later that night and asked if I could hang out with them. I said yes, despite the fact that it was almost nine at night. There was nowhere for us to go to do something. They got to my house and I suggested that we go for a drive. I don't know what I was thinking because it was dark outside and there wasn't much for us to see. I drove around Smithsburg and to no one's surprise I got nostalgic. I took her to the places where there were happy memories and meant something to me. We ended up in the back parking lot of my high school. I started telling her stories and what life used to be like. I talked about leaving and how I was scared to go to another area and college. I talked about a specific relationship that has become nonexistent. I told her how I still cared about her and how much I missed my friends.

It was then that she got quiet. At first I thought that I had done something wrong but then she started to speak. I can't exactly remember what she said but it stung. She told me that I needed to stop being sentimental and move on. I was so taken back by what she said that I didn't know what to do. I asked her what she meant and she said that I needed to move on from high school and let go of those relationships. That was the part that really hurt. I was confused and I didn't know what to say to that. I should have defended my friends and these relationships that I have. I couldn't believe how insensitive she was to my feelings and experiences. It was then that I started the car and drove home. Luckily, another friend from college called me and we were able to say a quick goodbye. I sat in my car, almost in tears, talking on the phone about random things. I really needed that, to get out of my head.

I haven't stopped thinking about what she said. My anxiety told me that if I didn't leave my friends now, they will do it for me. Then it wasn't the best weekend to be alone. It also didn't help that someone I really loved cut off ties with me without any closure for me. It really didn't help that a friend essentially told me to move on with my life and start over with new friends. I got out of the house today to do work and that helped. I know that it's not fair for me to compare all my friendships to one friendship that failed. It's not fair to my friends and it's not fair to me. I truly believe that I've won the friend lottery. I'm so lucky to have friends from high school that I'm still in contact with on a deeper level. It's obvious that we care about each other and we're making the effort to make it work. This blog is proof of that. I could not be more proud of this blog but that's a whole other post. These people have become my family and because of that I can't just 'cut ties' with them.

These friendships might end one day. That's always a possibility but I will keep putting forth the effort. You shouldn't ever regret loving someone. It doesn't make you weak or stupid to have loved and shown love to someone. I know that is such a cliche but it's true. At the end of the day it's the other person's loss. That won't take away the pain and feelings fluctuate but it's true. I also understand for my friend to say something like that must mean that she's in pain. You don't just tell someone to stop being sentimental and end friendships out of nowhere.

At this point in my life I am very sentimental and nostalgic. I'm leaving in a few months and moving three and a half hours away. I have lived in the same state, same city and same house for my entire life. I've gone to other states but I've essentially been in the same place. I made a concious decision to move far away and that's because I need to. I need to move as far away as possible and I need to become more independent. I've wanted to leave for a long time but that doesn't make it easy. A classmate asked if I was scared to move and my subconscious took over and said yes. I'm going to miss my room, my house, my library, my coffeehouse, the mountains, my books, the things I've hoarded over the years and especially my dog. Oh my god, I will probably cry everyday for the first month because of how much I miss Colt. I literally think about it everyday and it makes me tear up. I've been spoiling him all year because of this. Because of these things how could I not be somewhat afraid to leave? At the same time I'm excited to leave and figure out things about myself that I can't learn here.

Last summer was not fun and frankly horrible. I don't want this summer to be the same because in a way this is the last. I don't know how to explain that but it makes sense in my head. I don't want to be stressed or depressed. I want to have fun and make the most of it. I want to say goodbye to some places and spend some extra time in other places. The posts I write this summer are probably going to be overly nostalgic...I'm sorry. I don't think I could have made that sound more cheesy.

I'm going to go drink tea now and get ready for the beginning of finals tomorrow. Yay.

DFTBA
-AB

P.S. this video somehow perfectly describes how I feel.