How to Slay Being Single
I feel like there are two camps of single people. Unhappily single people (sorry if that's you), and proudly, unapologetically single people. As you might guess, I fall into the latter group. I've been completely and utterly single for all 20 years of my life, and I have no regrets about that. However, during my time as a single person, I've realized quite a few things that can make being single an enjoyable time rather than a time of pining and drudgery (as I've observed it to be to some of my peers...) So, if you're happily single, perhaps you can glean from and resonate with some of these things. And if you're unhappily single, maybe you can take some of these "words of wisdom" to heart.
You can't use your singleness for you
If you read nothing else from this post, I hope you read this one because it's the most important (and, not coincidentally, the one I think I and most other single people struggle with the most). Basically the crux of it is this: If you opt to be single, or even if you're single by circumstance, you cannot just be single as a means of serving your own purposes.
Obviously as a Christian, I'm coming at this from that perspective, but I think it's true for anyone, not just Jesus followers. For me it can be so so easy to get prideful in my singleness, like look at all the heartbreak and troubles I got to bypass by just going my own way and not pursuing romantic relationships. But then in that pride I also start thinking about all the stuff I can do for myself with my endless free time and the fact that I don't have someone I have to constantly be thinking about and doting on. I start to put myself and my interests and my actions on a pedestal and forget about everyone else when in reality I think a huge reason why I'm single is because God wants to use me to reach other people as a single person.
I often think to myself "If I'm just using my singlehood to do a bunch of stuff for myself, then honestly I might as well be married, because then at least I wouldn't have time to be selfish." I want to use my extra time and freedom and resources as a single person to go out and serve others and help people and be part of friendships and communities that I might not otherwise get a chance to engage in if I were part of a couple. Hopefully some of that made some sense...if it didn't here's a simplified version: While you're single, use your extra freedom to actually be with other people and not just to watch Netflix all the time. (Clearly I haven't mastered this completely yet buttttt I'm always trying to work on it.)
Don't let independence become an idol
This point is tangential to the first point. As a single person it can be really easy to start seeing your independence as the most important thing in life. Being in love with alone time and free time and freedom to do what you want when you want can actually end up being a stumbling block once you start thinking about entering into a relationship, and it can sort of make you look at relationships and marriage and family with a teensy bit of contempt because you see those things as just means to take away your freedom. This is certainly a problem for me. I sometimes look at some of my friends who are interested in guys or pursuing relationships and I think "Why on earth would they want that? You know how much time they're going to have to give up in order to give a guy the attention he no doubt wants?? What drudgery!" But then, again, I have to take a step back and think to myself "Dakota, relationships can be a beautiful, Godly thing, or they wouldn't exist in the first place. Just because you love being single doesn't mean everyone else does."
I am scared that when the day finally comes that some guy actually wants to woo me (lol) I'll be really really resistant because I'm scared of giving up my independence. And either he'll push through that gladly like a champ, or he'll give up on me and find someone who doesn't idolize their independence...either of which are kind of terrifying options. But I need to get over myself, and if you're in the same position as me and clinging too tightly to your independence, well, you need to get over it too.
Don't be wishy washy-- either you want to be single or you want to be in a relationship. There is no best of both worlds.
Sometimes I'll watch a particularly riveting Rom Com or Korean Drama and think to myself "sigh, maybe I actually DO want a boyfriend. It looks so niiiiiiice". Then I have to promptly slap myself on the cheek and say "Snap out of it Dakota! Movies and TV aren't real! Relationships are hard work! And you're completely content to be single!!" Thank goodness my wise self has enough guts to tell my sappy self to shut up. Obviously it's okay to have desires and all that mushy stuff, but if you're a single person with no REAL intention or desire to not be single, then there's really no point in dwelling on those fantasies or wishes.
On the flipside, if you truly feel like you want a relationship and are unhappy being single, don't just sit around and THINK about what it would be like and how awesome it could be. Actually start trying to meet people. Now, DON'T USE TINDER!!!! But do go to church events, club meetings, etc. Places where potential mates might be. Because you'll never meet a potential mate watching Soon-Ae try to woo Chef Sun-Woo (shameless Oh My Ghost reference). TV and movies might make your heart flutter a little bit but will never fulfill your actual wishes.
Always give your feelings a healthy side-eye (don't trust them)
You know that age old adage "follow your heart"? Yeah well that's garbage. Your heart's a liar. At least mine for sure is. If I followed my heart and the feelings it gives me? Well, suffice it say I'd be quite a tartish gal. I also would have dropped out of college a whiiiiiiile back, and I definitely would have gotten into lots of petty girl fights over the years. Again, this is all from a Jesus-follower perspective, so if that's not where you're coming from, you might totally disagree with me. But from my experience, if my heart tells me to feel/do one thing, but Jesus tells me to feel/do another thing, He's always the one that's right.
This is definitely something that can be learned from experience. Like, come on, feelings come and go ALL the time. If we gave in to all of our feelings all the time life would be utter mayhem. So if you're a single person and you're feeling down in the dumps about it, or you're feeling really unhappy, just know that it will pass. Even just scientifically speaking, there's no way you can feel one way forever. Don't trust your feelings too much because they're sneaky, lazy, fleeting little fellas. Find something stronger to trust in, like your personal values, or your parents' loving opinions, or what the Bible has to say. Don't let your heart dictate your life.
Don't look down on people who AREN'T slaying the single life (ie, couples, people pursuing relationships, married folks)
My parents got married when they were 19. Sometimes for me, as a completely single 20 year old, that's a hard pill to swallow. Like why would they have wanted to? Weren't there other things they could have been doing with their time? But then I think about it and if it weren't for them getting married when they did, I might not exist. And when I consider that they will now be celebrating their 30th year of marriage this June, I can't help but think that they were doing something right. My brother and sister-in-law got married back in October at the ripe old age of 21. Now they both have steady jobs and their own home. While part of me balks at the idea of getting married young, I also have to face the facts that I will not be able to have what they have when I'm their age, partly because as a single person, I won't have the financial freedom to purchase my own house at such a young age. I look at people like my brother and sister-in-law, and my parents-- people who are definitely not single, and I have to realize that they've got something great going on. And while I love my singleness and think that IT'S something great, I can't look down my nose at people in relationships because those relationships can be really really great and really beneficial too, and certainly nothing to sneer at.
Don't complain unless you intend to do something about it. There's nothing appealing about discontentment.
Are you complaining because you genuinely don't want to be single? Then do something about it. Complaining won't get you a man if that's what your goal is. If, on the contrary, you're just complaining to fit in with other single people who seem to be just oh-so-unhappy about their circumstances but you know deep down that being single is a worthy thing to be, then stop complaining and stand with other single people to help build them up-- not make being single seem like such an awful thing.
Realize that while society may look down on singleness, God certainly does not
The culture at large wants us to think that being single is a curse, and often the church even wants us to believe that relationships are more "godly" than being single. Of course neither of those things are true, and in fact, almost makes the church seem like it's aligning itself with the world's culture (which like, I'm pretty sure is the exact opposite of the point...) I mean just count the number of times you've seen or heard of churches with these singles groups that aren't centered around appreciating single people for who they are, but are centered around "preparing them for marriage"? How many times have church leaders and members tried to set up poor lowly single folks with nice Christian boys and girls because they think marriage is the end-all-be-all of true Christianity? I'm not sure where that idea comes from, but it's not from the Bible. Not surprisingly, one of my favorite biblical passages is Paul's notes concerning single people. Here are a few highlights from that passage:
"I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. 33 But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. 34 His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible." (1 Corinthians 32-35)
This stuff is in the Bible! And thank God too, because it's great news! I acknowledge, gladly, that the Bible also says that marriage is a symbolic image of Christ and the church, which is beautiful and true. But these passages about the great virtues of being single are no less true. Somehow they're still treated like they're less important than the passages about marriage, or are completely ignored altogether. So I just wanted to point out that stuff like that is in there for real and you can claim those truths when people start hassling you about your love life. Just be like "Well I'm single because the apostle Paul told me it was better to be single sooooooo thanks for the advice but I'd rather not have my interests divided thank you very much. P.S. Jesus was single and I'm trying to be like him soooo just sayin'."
"The primary purpose of singleness is the same as the primary purpose of marriage: Jesus" -Joseph Solomon
Ah Joseph Solomon, perhaps one of my favorite Christian speakers of all time and he's my age and he's single. Imagine that. An influential, young, single guy who loves Jesus. They do exist! Anyway, he spits some serious truth in all of his videos, but this particular video seems like the perfect close to this long long rant, so please take a break from my words to enjoy his:
If you enjoyed that video, you can watch Part 1 here.
VaughnDL
You can't use your singleness for you
If you read nothing else from this post, I hope you read this one because it's the most important (and, not coincidentally, the one I think I and most other single people struggle with the most). Basically the crux of it is this: If you opt to be single, or even if you're single by circumstance, you cannot just be single as a means of serving your own purposes.
Obviously as a Christian, I'm coming at this from that perspective, but I think it's true for anyone, not just Jesus followers. For me it can be so so easy to get prideful in my singleness, like look at all the heartbreak and troubles I got to bypass by just going my own way and not pursuing romantic relationships. But then in that pride I also start thinking about all the stuff I can do for myself with my endless free time and the fact that I don't have someone I have to constantly be thinking about and doting on. I start to put myself and my interests and my actions on a pedestal and forget about everyone else when in reality I think a huge reason why I'm single is because God wants to use me to reach other people as a single person.I often think to myself "If I'm just using my singlehood to do a bunch of stuff for myself, then honestly I might as well be married, because then at least I wouldn't have time to be selfish." I want to use my extra time and freedom and resources as a single person to go out and serve others and help people and be part of friendships and communities that I might not otherwise get a chance to engage in if I were part of a couple. Hopefully some of that made some sense...if it didn't here's a simplified version: While you're single, use your extra freedom to actually be with other people and not just to watch Netflix all the time. (Clearly I haven't mastered this completely yet buttttt I'm always trying to work on it.)
Don't let independence become an idol
This point is tangential to the first point. As a single person it can be really easy to start seeing your independence as the most important thing in life. Being in love with alone time and free time and freedom to do what you want when you want can actually end up being a stumbling block once you start thinking about entering into a relationship, and it can sort of make you look at relationships and marriage and family with a teensy bit of contempt because you see those things as just means to take away your freedom. This is certainly a problem for me. I sometimes look at some of my friends who are interested in guys or pursuing relationships and I think "Why on earth would they want that? You know how much time they're going to have to give up in order to give a guy the attention he no doubt wants?? What drudgery!" But then, again, I have to take a step back and think to myself "Dakota, relationships can be a beautiful, Godly thing, or they wouldn't exist in the first place. Just because you love being single doesn't mean everyone else does."
I am scared that when the day finally comes that some guy actually wants to woo me (lol) I'll be really really resistant because I'm scared of giving up my independence. And either he'll push through that gladly like a champ, or he'll give up on me and find someone who doesn't idolize their independence...either of which are kind of terrifying options. But I need to get over myself, and if you're in the same position as me and clinging too tightly to your independence, well, you need to get over it too.
Don't be wishy washy-- either you want to be single or you want to be in a relationship. There is no best of both worlds.
Sometimes I'll watch a particularly riveting Rom Com or Korean Drama and think to myself "sigh, maybe I actually DO want a boyfriend. It looks so niiiiiiice". Then I have to promptly slap myself on the cheek and say "Snap out of it Dakota! Movies and TV aren't real! Relationships are hard work! And you're completely content to be single!!" Thank goodness my wise self has enough guts to tell my sappy self to shut up. Obviously it's okay to have desires and all that mushy stuff, but if you're a single person with no REAL intention or desire to not be single, then there's really no point in dwelling on those fantasies or wishes.On the flipside, if you truly feel like you want a relationship and are unhappy being single, don't just sit around and THINK about what it would be like and how awesome it could be. Actually start trying to meet people. Now, DON'T USE TINDER!!!! But do go to church events, club meetings, etc. Places where potential mates might be. Because you'll never meet a potential mate watching Soon-Ae try to woo Chef Sun-Woo (shameless Oh My Ghost reference). TV and movies might make your heart flutter a little bit but will never fulfill your actual wishes.
Always give your feelings a healthy side-eye (don't trust them)
You know that age old adage "follow your heart"? Yeah well that's garbage. Your heart's a liar. At least mine for sure is. If I followed my heart and the feelings it gives me? Well, suffice it say I'd be quite a tartish gal. I also would have dropped out of college a whiiiiiiile back, and I definitely would have gotten into lots of petty girl fights over the years. Again, this is all from a Jesus-follower perspective, so if that's not where you're coming from, you might totally disagree with me. But from my experience, if my heart tells me to feel/do one thing, but Jesus tells me to feel/do another thing, He's always the one that's right.This is definitely something that can be learned from experience. Like, come on, feelings come and go ALL the time. If we gave in to all of our feelings all the time life would be utter mayhem. So if you're a single person and you're feeling down in the dumps about it, or you're feeling really unhappy, just know that it will pass. Even just scientifically speaking, there's no way you can feel one way forever. Don't trust your feelings too much because they're sneaky, lazy, fleeting little fellas. Find something stronger to trust in, like your personal values, or your parents' loving opinions, or what the Bible has to say. Don't let your heart dictate your life.
Don't look down on people who AREN'T slaying the single life (ie, couples, people pursuing relationships, married folks)
My parents got married when they were 19. Sometimes for me, as a completely single 20 year old, that's a hard pill to swallow. Like why would they have wanted to? Weren't there other things they could have been doing with their time? But then I think about it and if it weren't for them getting married when they did, I might not exist. And when I consider that they will now be celebrating their 30th year of marriage this June, I can't help but think that they were doing something right. My brother and sister-in-law got married back in October at the ripe old age of 21. Now they both have steady jobs and their own home. While part of me balks at the idea of getting married young, I also have to face the facts that I will not be able to have what they have when I'm their age, partly because as a single person, I won't have the financial freedom to purchase my own house at such a young age. I look at people like my brother and sister-in-law, and my parents-- people who are definitely not single, and I have to realize that they've got something great going on. And while I love my singleness and think that IT'S something great, I can't look down my nose at people in relationships because those relationships can be really really great and really beneficial too, and certainly nothing to sneer at.Don't complain unless you intend to do something about it. There's nothing appealing about discontentment.
Are you complaining because you genuinely don't want to be single? Then do something about it. Complaining won't get you a man if that's what your goal is. If, on the contrary, you're just complaining to fit in with other single people who seem to be just oh-so-unhappy about their circumstances but you know deep down that being single is a worthy thing to be, then stop complaining and stand with other single people to help build them up-- not make being single seem like such an awful thing.
Realize that while society may look down on singleness, God certainly does not
The culture at large wants us to think that being single is a curse, and often the church even wants us to believe that relationships are more "godly" than being single. Of course neither of those things are true, and in fact, almost makes the church seem like it's aligning itself with the world's culture (which like, I'm pretty sure is the exact opposite of the point...) I mean just count the number of times you've seen or heard of churches with these singles groups that aren't centered around appreciating single people for who they are, but are centered around "preparing them for marriage"? How many times have church leaders and members tried to set up poor lowly single folks with nice Christian boys and girls because they think marriage is the end-all-be-all of true Christianity? I'm not sure where that idea comes from, but it's not from the Bible. Not surprisingly, one of my favorite biblical passages is Paul's notes concerning single people. Here are a few highlights from that passage:
"7 But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.8 So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am." (1 Corinthians 7:7-8)
"17 Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches." (1 Corinthians 7:17)
"I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. 33 But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. 34 His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible." (1 Corinthians 32-35)
This stuff is in the Bible! And thank God too, because it's great news! I acknowledge, gladly, that the Bible also says that marriage is a symbolic image of Christ and the church, which is beautiful and true. But these passages about the great virtues of being single are no less true. Somehow they're still treated like they're less important than the passages about marriage, or are completely ignored altogether. So I just wanted to point out that stuff like that is in there for real and you can claim those truths when people start hassling you about your love life. Just be like "Well I'm single because the apostle Paul told me it was better to be single sooooooo thanks for the advice but I'd rather not have my interests divided thank you very much. P.S. Jesus was single and I'm trying to be like him soooo just sayin'."
"The primary purpose of singleness is the same as the primary purpose of marriage: Jesus" -Joseph Solomon
Ah Joseph Solomon, perhaps one of my favorite Christian speakers of all time and he's my age and he's single. Imagine that. An influential, young, single guy who loves Jesus. They do exist! Anyway, he spits some serious truth in all of his videos, but this particular video seems like the perfect close to this long long rant, so please take a break from my words to enjoy his:
If you enjoyed that video, you can watch Part 1 here.
VaughnDL
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