Figuring Stuff Out

The other day I was laying in bed and I thought, “I’m okay, everything’s okay and everyone’s okay.” It was the weirdest thing because I couldn’t remember the last time I had thought that. I thought about the summer and how hard that was and then last semester which was miserable. I couldn’t remember the last time I had said “I’m okay” and actually meant it. I feel like I’m finally going in the right direction despite all the uncertainties. I still need to pick a college to transfer to, classes are still hard, relationships and family are hard but I’m okay. I’m dealing with it and I’m learning how to deal with it. I’ve noticed that I’ve become more positive than I was. I’m learning how to deal with loneliness and listening to my body when I need self-care. I’m learning that not everything is my fault and I need to be kinder to myself. 

Right before school started freshman year I wrote a post called, “You’re where you’re supposed to be.” At the time I didn’t know if I believed that. I think I wanted to believe it more than anything. I think I’ve grown a lot since I wrote that post. At the time I had no idea what I was doing. I mean I still don’t know what I’m doing but I have some idea. At that point I didn’t know my major, what I wanted my career to be, all of my friends moved away, I was questioning whether it was a good idea to stay home, I was deeply in the closet and I was unbelievably scared and lonely. Since then I know my major, I have some idea of what I want to do, my friends still moved away but we’re okay, I’m not sure if it was good idea to stay home and I’m not in the closet anymore. It’s been really hard and it would be impossible to go into detail about everything. There’s also things that I absolutely need to work on before I move away and it won’t be easy. At the same time I needed to go through this. I needed to go through this to grow and unfortunately pain comes with it. 

I’ve chosen to major in social work and focus on therapy and mental health in adolescence. This has been on my mind and heart for a long time. I didn’t think that I was good enough to follow it. I often saw therapists and counselors as perfect people and their not. When I chose my major I was unbelievably unsure. I needed to pick a major though and I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. I started taking my classes that pertained to my major and I was happy when I was in class. It was the other classes that were killing my soul (Chemistry, effing chemistry). I tried really hard to focus on the classes I liked and as I look back now I realize how great they were. My diversity class was absolutely amazing. I loved learning about other cultures and learning how to be more accepting. I also loved the people I was with because there incredible, kind and honest.

 At the same time I didn’t know if I was strong enough to work in the field. I constantly questioned my strength and crediblility. I’m an incredibly emotional and sensitve person. This is good to have in certain circumstances but most of the time I will have to keep my feelings at bay. I remember in my Human Services class we had to do “Case Work” or “Case Studies”. We would be given a scenario and asked what we would do in the situation. There was one instance when we were ‘school counselors” and what would we do if an elementary student told us that their parents were sexually assaulting them. I almost lost it in the middle of the class. That’s the reality of the feild though. After that experience I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing. Maybe there was something else that I needed to do and I wasn’t realizing it. 

Last semester I was getting tea and reading at a Coffeshop. I should have been studying for finals or doing homework but I was on the verge of a breakdown. I was sitting there flipping through a book about Obama and books about social justice on the side. I was sitting there, wondering if I was doing the right thing. Was I supposed to be social worker? Should I be a counselor? Should I do something completely different? I was completely overwhelmed and full of doubt. I start glancing around at the other people wondering if they were doing what I was doing. Were they sitting there, thinking about their own lives? Were they perfectly normal?

As I’m sitting there a woman sits at the table in front of me. I can feel her watching me as I turn the pages of my book, trying to concentrate. 

“I love that book,” she tells me. 

She’s pointing to “Night” by Elie Wiesel. Then we start talking about the Holocaust, the Holocaust museum and tragedies around the world. Then she tells me about her son who is currently in the Peace Corp. She then asks if she can show me some pictures. She seemed like a proud mother and I was more than happy to have company. She shows me pictures of her son in Africa. She tells me about the purple hut he’s living in, the pool he’s swimming in. She told me about his college experience and how unhappy he was until he joined the Peace Corp. He felt that there was a certain way that he needed to live his life. He was unhappy in his relationship and he didn’t want a nine to five job. She tells me that he majored in some kind of science and is studying the bacteria in bugs in Africa. She talks about how scared she is of him getting hurt or sick. Then she told me about how her husband passed away from cancer years before. This woman is pouring her heart out to me and I am happy to listen to her story. I’m honored that she’s sharing it with me.

“You’re going to be a good social worker,” she smiles at me. 

“How do you know I’m going to be a social worker?”

“You listened, you really listened.”

She then tells me that she was a social worker. She tells me that she wishes she got her masters degree. She starts giving me advice, the kind I thought that I wanted and needed. In a way I think I did need it. 

“Get your masters degree, travel the world and you’ll be fine.”

After she left I started crying. Maybe it was the exhaustion or the fact that she noticed me out of all those people. Maybe she knew exactly what I was feeling. That woman will never know what she did for me and how much I needed her words. It was the most simple things but it meant the world that a stranger reached out. I made a mental note to myself that I would try to do that for someone else when I was her age. That conversation carried me through the rest of the semester and the beginning of this one. 

It was only when I started taking my social work classes that I started doubting myself again. It’s weird to study ‘social Work’ because it’s a very hands on kind of field. The one class is about working with individuals and the other is groups. I haven’t been taking the group one very seriously because I don’t plan on working with groups. In the class we each have to come up with an ‘icebreaker’. Being the introvert that I am, I hate icebreakers. Then a girl came up with an idea to ask a question and we all had to answer it. The question was, “Who inspired you to become a social worker?” It was such a personal question and I don’t know if people wanted to answer it. It turned from only who and why we are choosing this. I listened to my classmates stories and it was so emotional. One girl talked about her mother who had breast cancer. Another talked about how she was an addict and has been clean for twenty years and wants to help others. Everyone in that circle came from different walks of life and experiences but we were so similar. I talked about my mental illness and my family and it was tough. I felt something so strong though and that was a deep connection. The only group that I had really done that with was my church. I didn’t realize how much I wanted that again. I felt that and even if it was a few minutes it was so worth it. Then I was convinced that I could do it again. No one just becomes a social worker because it isn’t an easy job. My professor said that it’s more of a calling and i agree with that. I believe that this might be my calling for now and if I’m wrong that’s okay. I feel somewhat stable right now and that’s all that matters. I’m more excited than scared right now and that makes me happy. 

We’ll see what the future holds.