Wildflowers

Taking Polaroids of Leah eating has become a thing.
That's why she's somewhat glaring at me in the first photo.

Thanksgiving was a bit of a rough holiday. Holidays, especially Thanksgiving have become somewhat difficult. Being in the closet from your family is hard and painful. I went into this
Thanksgiving with almost no gratitude. I was nervous about seeing my family and sitting around a table just talking. That doesn't mean that I don't love them because I do. There's just this sense of disconnection. That entire dinner my stomach was in knots and I just kept drinking water. Whenever politics or current events would come up I would take a big sip of water. I had to pee so bad by the end of dinner. As we left I wondered whether or not Thanksgiving would ever be somewhat normal. I wondered what would have happened if I said something. What would they do? What would they say?
Shortly after I got home I got an unexpected call from a friend. I could tell by the tone of her voice that she wasn't happy. She asked me if I wanted to go Black Friday shopping. I hate shopping for clothes but I knew she needed it so I said yes. At the same time I was surprised that she called me because we hadn't spoken in a while and we didn't live close to each other. This was the first time that I ever went Black Friday shopping and it was a little hectic. It was good to get out though, eat good food, look at books and hang out with a friend. In the end the only thing that I got was a book but Leah got a lot of clothes and I tried to help the best I could. The last store that we went to was Target which was one of the two places that I wanted to go to.

We walked around for a while, looked at books, got a CD and then went to the car. The CD she got was Halsey's new CD. All I knew about Halsey is that she's a big deal in the LGBT community but I hadn't listened to her music. As soon as we got in the car we immediately turned the CD on. It's not the music I usually listen to but it's good. It's dramatic and loud. It's as if the music gives us the courage to start talking. We talk about school, love, hometowns, friends and horrible roommates. It's like we were trying to make up for lost time. We blow off steam the whole way home, almost screaming over the songs that keep playing one after the other. When we get back to my house I ask if I can download the CD on Itunes and we walk into the house. We keep talking and I can't even explain how good it feels to tell your whole story to someone who knows nothing about it. I love talking about my friends with love, my hometown with nostalgia and anger, my situation the way that I am experiencing it. After I finish Leah starts talking and does the same thing that I did. We were honest with each other and we didn't have to worry about being perfect. We both realized that we weren't alone and it's okay.
When we talk about our hometowns it's different from when we used to talk about them. We used to talk about it with love, the events, teachers and friends. Then we left and went from seeing it zoomed in to zoomed out. I think about my kids and how I want better for them. I want them to be surrounded by people who are different from them, I want them to be loved and accepted by the people around them. Shortly after coming out I was afraid that my kids would be more affected by it than I was. You don't choose who your family is, you get what you get. I knew my kids would be bullied and our family would be whispered about if I stayed.

"I think I'm more afraid to stay than I am to leave," I tell her.

Leah nods and looks down at her hands.

"I get that," she says and looks at me. "How did we not end up like everyone else? Closed minded and ignorant?"

"We're the annoying wildflowers."

She smiles slightly at me and we continue to plan our 'future'. As a young person I constantly worry about time. I worry that I'm not doing everything I should in a certain amount of time, I'm afraid I'm missing out on something that I should be doing, I worry that I'm not being young enough, I worry about everything. As young people we're told to enjoy everything but also not to be stupid and be prepared.

When we're done talking we lay on my bed and lay in silence.

"There's no perfect way to do this, is there?" I ask.

She knows what I'm talking about.

"Unfortunately, no."

"So what do we do now?"

"We wait and do the best that we can."

We take one last Polaroid, hug each other goodbye and then she leaves. I go back to my room despite the fact that I have barely eaten anything all day. I lay back down on my bed and listen to the CD again. It's suddenly become more special than I thought it would. Sometimes the reason we love a song isn't because of the song but because of the memory and the person that goes with it. I listen to it for the rest of the night, refusing to think about the future and stay in the moment.

DFTBA
-AB