Why I Don't Record Everything in my Diary

     Journaling is one of the most therapeutic activities that one can ever engage in. At least that's my opinion. Every time I sit down and write in my diary, I feel a thousand times better. I would be lying, however, if I said that I am 100% honest and forthcoming in my journals. Still, I do not lie in my journals; I can say that with complete certainty. Everything that I decide to write in my journal is as much the truth as it can be considering that it's all written through the lens of my own personality, perception, and emotions. I never fabricate stories or feelings when I'm writing in my personal journals. But I do not write every single thing about my life in my diary, which for some can be seen as a form of dishonesty-- lying by omission, I suppose. The truth is, this is a topic I think about a lot and have put much consideration into because I think that it's actually very important in a lot of ways. So I thought it would be interesting to actually articulate a list of reasons why I don't record exactly everything in my diary.

1. Feelings are not forever. 
     There are a few entries in my earliest journals that were written in the heat of my anger. When I read back over them, I am ashamed of what I said, especially because my opinions and feelings about those particular events have cooled and changed significantly. So while my feelings at the time of writing were honest and true, they no longer are. Unfortunately, since it's written down, it can't be taken back even though I no longer stand behind my original sentiments. Because of those entries which I sincerely regret years later, I made the decision a while back never to open my journal when I'm at the height of negative emotion. Nothing good or healthy can come of it, for me personally. I just feed my own anger and then come to regret it later. I don't think that should be the point of journaling.

2. Some things are only between me and God. 
     I think this is pretty self explanatory. When I speak to God, I have no choice but to be vulnerable and honest because He already knows everything I'm going through, and dealing with, and doing. But I don't have to give my journal as much power as I give God, so I don't owe my journal every single detail of my twisted brain.

3. I don't want to bring my reputation under scrutiny.
     Part of this is pride driven, certainly. But another part goes back to the point about feelings. If I write something in the heat of the moment that I then later regret and completely disagree with, I can't take it back. It's kind of like if you were to post a drunken photo on the internet. Even if at the moment it didn't seem like a big deal, or it wasn't meant to be taken seriously, it's still out there and has the potential to be seen by a future employer or a future spouse, and no matter how harmlessly it was intended, it has the potential to mar your image. Now of course, a journal is not quite the same concept because it's not intended to be seen by the public, but I still stand by this logic, especially because it leads me to my next point:

4. I fully intend for people to read them one day. 
    I think I've quoted Tavi Gevinson's sentiment here on this blog before, but I'll do it again because it's one of my all time favorite quotes ever. In her journal she wrote, "I’ll call this a diary, but of course I know you’re there. I don’t know if I ever intended to keep any of this to myself." She basically summed up my entire inner thought process when it comes to journaling in two sentences. Every time I sit down to write, it doesn't feel private the way I think it feels to some people. I always feel like I'm writing to someone. I'm not exactly sure why that is, but I think it has something to do with my overall desire to be an author of books. I'm always writing to someone, I always desire to have my words be taken in by others, even when those words are ideally meant just for myself. I've come to terms with this quirk, however, and now I often think eagerly about a day far far in the future when I can gift my journals to my daughter or granddaughter or close relative so that they can learn even more about me than they already know. And with that in mind, I want the accounts of my life to be acceptable and pleasing for anyone to read.
     I think I yearn for the significance of a legacy after I pass on, and my journals are one huge way to achieve that. Of course it's all too fresh for me to want to share NOW, and despite all my efforts of being dignified and not too impassioned when writing, I still slip up a lot because I'm human and end up writing embarrassing or regrettable things that I'd like to wait a very long time before releasing to loved ones. But one day, I'm telling you, my accounts will come in handy to somebody.

-VaughnDL