Going To A LGBT Church
About two years ago I started looking for LGBT churches in my area. I remember sitting in a hot house of a lady I was dog sitting for, looking at my computer screen. I don't know exactly what prompted me to go online and look for them but I did. Maybe it was the fact that I was overwhelmed by taking care of a bunch of animals, or the fact that I was starting college soon and everyone would be leaving etc. My body was tense and sweaty from the lack of air conditioning and tears were in my eyes. I stared at the computer screen until it became blurry and my mind went out of control. I did find some churches but I wasn't convinced that I would actually go. At the time I had only come out to myself a few months earlier, I had just come out to someone and I didn't know if I regretted it or not and I was emotionally tired. I slammed the laptop shut and went to the kitchen to look out the window. The sun was shinning through the glass and hit my face. I should have walked away from it but I didn't. It felt like God was acknowledging me, telling me that they were there and I was loved.
After that I didn't look at the churches again. Looking at them made me uncomfortable and I tried not to think about it to often. At this time I had left my childhood church completely and another one that left me depressed and tired. I told myself that I would most likely never walk into another church again, I was done. Instead, I would find church and community elsewhere. I truly believe that church can happen anywhere at anytime. If you have this God/spiritual moment even for only a moment that is church, you just went to church. After I left I begged God not to leave me and God didn't. God showed me through tiny moments of church that they were still there. Whenever the sun would be glaringly bright I would go to church. I remember being in Florida and seeing a woman made out of a bush, holding a butterfly and I felt God and I saw God. All these little moments made me believe that God was still there but most importantly that they cared.
The next summer my church went on a mission trip. It was the first year I didn't go and I wanted to hear what the youth had to say. But most importantly I wanted to see Blair, my former youth leader. It was the first time that I had been to my church in a while. People stared at me, confused. I tried to ignore them because I wasn't there for them. I saw one woman who I used to be somewhat close to and I could feel her judgement even though she was far away. We end up locking eyes with each other and despite the tension I walk over to her. She barely even looks at me and makes a passive aggressive comment about how I'm not there anymore. By this point my brother walks over, we say goodbye to her and walk up the stairs to loft. I see all of the youth and adults sitting in the pews and my heart aches a little. They walk up to the front and Blair is the first one to speak. He can barely get through what he wants to say but he does and then walks down to the front pew. I decide that I'm going to go sit next to him. When he sees me it's just like old times, he puts his arm around me and tells me how glad he is to see me. We laugh and cry as we listen to the stories people tell. After people speak they place a slideshow and Blair is telling me stories about each picture. After that Sunday I felt this sense of closure. It didn't end the way I wanted it to but it wasn't bad either. Maybe we all have this idea of what closure is but it rarely turns out that way. I think I was just grateful to have closure. Once I had closure I didn't feel the need to go to church anymore. Yes, Sundays were sad but I also knew that I wasn't the same person and that my church wouldn't accept that. I found out that some other people in my church were also gay and bisexual and it wasn't going well for them. At the same time I didn't know how to help them.
When I started taking my diversity class we were told at the beginning of the semester that we would do a group project. The project was focused on a group of people or community we wanted to learn more about. The whole point of it was to get us out of our comfort zones and meet new people. I ended up choosing the Transgender community. I know that they're apart of my community and that wasn't exactly "getting out of my comfort zone" but I wanted to see what was here for them and I wanted to meet people. One part of the project is going to an event and the only thing we could find was a LGBT church not far from where I lived. When I looked up the address I saw that it was one of the churches that I had found two years ago. I was terrified of going. At the same time it wasn't as daunting because I was going with a group.
When we got there the church was small, it was shaped like a rectangle and there were about twenty people there. When you walked in though you could tell that it was welcoming. At the same time I think we were uncomfortable. I think they were uncomfortable because of the people, I was uncomfortable because of the church. We sit in the back like typical newcomers and try to talk to each other. I'm barely listening to what they're saying to me because all I can look at is the people and the gold cross in front of me. There are couples holding hands, not hiding and it's beautiful. For the first time I was looking at people in my community in my hometown and it was strange. I knew that I wasn't the only gay person but I never thought I would meet others as well. At the beginning of the service we're told to greet each other. Instead of shaking hands people hug each other and ask for the other person's name.
The regular pastor wasn't there that Sunday so they had a guest pastor. She was with another woman, the couple that I had been looking at. She wasn't a 'pastor' in fact she was a chemist who went to a different church. She told us that she went to school in Georgia and had moved here a few years ago after getting her doctorate. She talked about things that never would have been discussed in my former church. She talked about racial injustice, Martin Luther King and even took passages from other religious texts. It was one of the first sermons that I heard that didn't have fear injected into it. This sermon wasn't to make anyone afraid or not feel good enough but the opposite. Everyone seemed okay with it as well. If my pastor had done that in my former church there would be an outcry of criticism.
Nearing the end of the service they start to give communion. I can't even remember the last time that I took communion. The church does communion every Sunday so that if anyone has been denied communion they can start taking it immediately. My group stays in the back and I don't know if I should go forward. People start going forward and taking communion. I ended up staying in the back as the two people gave communion, prayed for these people as they cried.
After the service we did stay back to talk to people and they were as nice as they seemed. They fed us and talked to us about who we were and why we were there. It was strange to explain but luckily they were gracious about it. Then people started filing out of the church and we followed them. I said goodbye to my group and got in the car to drive home. I started my car and pretended to fiddle with things until everyone in my group left. I didn't expect to get so emotional but I did. This church was not only a reminder that there was a place for me but for others. It was a reminder that the church doesn't have to be a toxic place and shouldn't be. It was a reminder that I didn't have to leave my faith just because I'm gay.
Thank you LGBT Christians.
Thank you Church.
Thank you God.
DFTBA
-AB
After that I didn't look at the churches again. Looking at them made me uncomfortable and I tried not to think about it to often. At this time I had left my childhood church completely and another one that left me depressed and tired. I told myself that I would most likely never walk into another church again, I was done. Instead, I would find church and community elsewhere. I truly believe that church can happen anywhere at anytime. If you have this God/spiritual moment even for only a moment that is church, you just went to church. After I left I begged God not to leave me and God didn't. God showed me through tiny moments of church that they were still there. Whenever the sun would be glaringly bright I would go to church. I remember being in Florida and seeing a woman made out of a bush, holding a butterfly and I felt God and I saw God. All these little moments made me believe that God was still there but most importantly that they cared.
The next summer my church went on a mission trip. It was the first year I didn't go and I wanted to hear what the youth had to say. But most importantly I wanted to see Blair, my former youth leader. It was the first time that I had been to my church in a while. People stared at me, confused. I tried to ignore them because I wasn't there for them. I saw one woman who I used to be somewhat close to and I could feel her judgement even though she was far away. We end up locking eyes with each other and despite the tension I walk over to her. She barely even looks at me and makes a passive aggressive comment about how I'm not there anymore. By this point my brother walks over, we say goodbye to her and walk up the stairs to loft. I see all of the youth and adults sitting in the pews and my heart aches a little. They walk up to the front and Blair is the first one to speak. He can barely get through what he wants to say but he does and then walks down to the front pew. I decide that I'm going to go sit next to him. When he sees me it's just like old times, he puts his arm around me and tells me how glad he is to see me. We laugh and cry as we listen to the stories people tell. After people speak they place a slideshow and Blair is telling me stories about each picture. After that Sunday I felt this sense of closure. It didn't end the way I wanted it to but it wasn't bad either. Maybe we all have this idea of what closure is but it rarely turns out that way. I think I was just grateful to have closure. Once I had closure I didn't feel the need to go to church anymore. Yes, Sundays were sad but I also knew that I wasn't the same person and that my church wouldn't accept that. I found out that some other people in my church were also gay and bisexual and it wasn't going well for them. At the same time I didn't know how to help them.
When I started taking my diversity class we were told at the beginning of the semester that we would do a group project. The project was focused on a group of people or community we wanted to learn more about. The whole point of it was to get us out of our comfort zones and meet new people. I ended up choosing the Transgender community. I know that they're apart of my community and that wasn't exactly "getting out of my comfort zone" but I wanted to see what was here for them and I wanted to meet people. One part of the project is going to an event and the only thing we could find was a LGBT church not far from where I lived. When I looked up the address I saw that it was one of the churches that I had found two years ago. I was terrified of going. At the same time it wasn't as daunting because I was going with a group.
When we got there the church was small, it was shaped like a rectangle and there were about twenty people there. When you walked in though you could tell that it was welcoming. At the same time I think we were uncomfortable. I think they were uncomfortable because of the people, I was uncomfortable because of the church. We sit in the back like typical newcomers and try to talk to each other. I'm barely listening to what they're saying to me because all I can look at is the people and the gold cross in front of me. There are couples holding hands, not hiding and it's beautiful. For the first time I was looking at people in my community in my hometown and it was strange. I knew that I wasn't the only gay person but I never thought I would meet others as well. At the beginning of the service we're told to greet each other. Instead of shaking hands people hug each other and ask for the other person's name.
The regular pastor wasn't there that Sunday so they had a guest pastor. She was with another woman, the couple that I had been looking at. She wasn't a 'pastor' in fact she was a chemist who went to a different church. She told us that she went to school in Georgia and had moved here a few years ago after getting her doctorate. She talked about things that never would have been discussed in my former church. She talked about racial injustice, Martin Luther King and even took passages from other religious texts. It was one of the first sermons that I heard that didn't have fear injected into it. This sermon wasn't to make anyone afraid or not feel good enough but the opposite. Everyone seemed okay with it as well. If my pastor had done that in my former church there would be an outcry of criticism.
Nearing the end of the service they start to give communion. I can't even remember the last time that I took communion. The church does communion every Sunday so that if anyone has been denied communion they can start taking it immediately. My group stays in the back and I don't know if I should go forward. People start going forward and taking communion. I ended up staying in the back as the two people gave communion, prayed for these people as they cried.
After the service we did stay back to talk to people and they were as nice as they seemed. They fed us and talked to us about who we were and why we were there. It was strange to explain but luckily they were gracious about it. Then people started filing out of the church and we followed them. I said goodbye to my group and got in the car to drive home. I started my car and pretended to fiddle with things until everyone in my group left. I didn't expect to get so emotional but I did. This church was not only a reminder that there was a place for me but for others. It was a reminder that the church doesn't have to be a toxic place and shouldn't be. It was a reminder that I didn't have to leave my faith just because I'm gay.
Thank you LGBT Christians.
Thank you Church.
Thank you God.
DFTBA
-AB
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