I Wouldn't Change Anything

For the past few days my mental health as been bad. That's an understatement but I'm not going to go into the gory details of it all. I wish that I could say that I felt better when I woke up today. I didn't though, in fact I felt worse. Mental illness is complex and it's hard to understand, I get that. I understand that there are people who won't completely understand it because they don't deal with it personally. 

I remember telling someone that I couldn't get out of bed and they told me just to get up and do something. 

"No," I said. "I literally can't get out of bed."

There's this automatic disconnect that I predict will happen every time I bring something about mental illness. It's lonely and ultimately makes me feel worse. It's not anyone's fault this happens it's just something that it is.

Then today I had to finish an assignment for my diversity class. I've been avoiding this assignment because it's difficult and I didn't want to think about it. 

How much money would you want to be paid if someone was to pay you to change any of the following and why would you choose to change what you chose?  The choices are:  race (which race would you choose), gender, sexual orientation, age (add or subtract 10 years from your current age), class, or abilities.  *Important Note: You may not choose to choose nothing to change!

I didn't know how to answer this. I sat in the cafeteria and stared at this question for I don't know how long. Then I realize something, I wouldn't change anything. I would not change my gender, race, sexual orientation, age, class or abilities. You couldn't pay me money to change those things about me. I know I would fail the assignment if I said that so I chose to add ten years to my life. Then I realized that I didn't want that either. So I said they could pay me a billion dollars to add ten years. Then I think about what I would be doing, did I have kids? What's my job? Did anyone I love die? Then I really didn't want to change anything about my life. I can't stop tragedies and hard times in the future, they're unpredictable. Everything that happens is going to happen gradually, whether it's good or not. Am I the same person I was four years ago? No. Will I be the same person I am in in four years? No, that's not a bad thing.

Mental illness sucks and sometimes it's unpredictable, it hurts and I have to remind myself that feelings are temporary. I write that in my journal over and over again. I wouldn't give it up though, as weird as that sounds. I am the person I am today because of my mental illness. I've had to learn to persevere because of it and when to know when to relax. It's showed me the people who always show up and stay despite how much it hurts. It helps me to love more deeply and to let people know that I do love them and care about them because I have no idea how much they need that. It makes me more empathetic and gentle with people. I'm more likely to see someone who is sad or silently suffering because I know what that looks like. It reminds me that no situation is black and white, to listen rather than assume.

On the days where it feels like my head is a thousand pounds and my stomach is full of butterflies I have to remind myself over and over again that this isn't forever. That's what I'm feeling right now but I wouldn't change it. I know that this isn't forever. I love my life and I love the people in it and that makes hard situations bearable.

DFTBA

-AB