?
I purposefully haven't been writing on this blog and I don't exactly know why.
I have always been a honest person and I hope that shows on this blog. I hate hiding things and this blog has given me a creative outlet to share my thoughts with the world. How many years have we even had this blog? How much have I shared on it?
Everything and nothing has happened since I last posted. I am currently trying to find a place to start going to therapy. There was a little hiccup in the first place that I called but hopefully that can be fixed with a second phone call, I had to worse case of cellulitis I've ever had, school is hectic, I went on college visits, I went back to my old church and now I am currently animal sitting at someone's house. Luckily, it's not as bad as it was last year. I'll talk about each of these things one by one.
1. Cellulitis
There isn't much to say about this other than it hurt...really bad. For some reason my legs cannot fight off the infection of a bug bite. So if I were ever in a apocalypse I would probably be the first to die. It got so bad that I started to worry, it was spreading to my foot which has never happened before. Then the doctor didn't give me a strong enough antibiotic which is making the process ten times slower. What's the blessing in this? I had to force myself to sit down which would be great if I didn't have a ton of things to do. I did get to see The Big Sick with Dakota which was awesome.
2. School
Summer school is exactly like school except in a hundred degree weather.
3. College visits.
I cannot even begin to believe that I am going to be transferring soon...how did time fly by that fast? Because of this I needed to start looking at schools. I picked two colleges to look at. One was three hours away and the other was forty-five minutes. Guess which one I liked better? The one farthest away. To be honest it was exciting to be able to look at colleges. I think that I'm ready to move away and maybe it was something that I should have done sooner. I think I'm beginning to have some of the feelings that my friends started to have last year. It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time.
4. Going back to my old church.
This was my first time not going on the mission trip and it tore me up a little. I have been asking God if I should go visit the church and I kept feeling like he was saying yes and that terrified me. What would people think if I went back? What would they say? Would they just disregard the fact that I haven't been there in months and left without really saying anything? As I walked into the church people immediately began to look and people did ask questions or mentioned that they hadn't seen me in a while. I immediately regretted what I was doing and asked God why he wanted me to come. Every year the group always talks about the mission trip and I wanted to hear them. I watched as all the kids pile onto the small platform. Blair, my former youth leader was the first person to speak. He barely even began to talk before tears started to fill my eyes. When he was done speaking he went to sit in the first pew. My heart began to ache and was pulled. I felt this strong tug to go sit next to him. I practically ran down the stairs to go sit next to man who was like a second father to me. There was a big smile on his face when I sat down next to him and he put his arm around me.
"I'm so glad you're here."
It took everything in me to not burst into tears. I was with the man who told me that I could live with him if I ever needed a place to stay, the man that always reminded me that he loved me and that I had value. It felt like my heart was going to burst. I tried to listen to the stories that people told and be present in the moment. Blair told me side stories and we laughed but we mostly cried. I was crying tears of joy. I understood why God wanted me to come. As more people came forward I felt this strong sense of closure. The bitterness and sadness began to chip off of my heart and I realized that everyone was going to be okay.
"They're okay," I think. "That's all I ever wanted."
The youth group was okay and they were going to be okay in the future. They were carrying on traditions that my youth group had started, they made friendships that will last a long time and most importantly Blair was okay.
"You can let go," God tells me. "Forgive and let it go."
And that's what I did. Am I going back? No, probably not. I don't know if I could ever go back but I'm not mad anymore. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to change the minds of all those people. Maybe I wasn't meant to though. Maybe it's bigger than me and it wasn't mine to fix. Maybe it was there to teach me a lesson and move on or make me stronger for another challenge to come.
5. Animal Sitting
Right now I'm watching five dogs, two cats, a bunny and a parakeet that sounds like a banshee. It's not as horrible as it sounds. In fact I have fallen in love with one of the dogs and I am probably going to steal it.
The house also has the most incredible view in the front and back of the house. I never knew how beautiful my hometown could be. The mountains seem like they are never ending. The view outside my room shocks me every time.
I have always been a honest person and I hope that shows on this blog. I hate hiding things and this blog has given me a creative outlet to share my thoughts with the world. How many years have we even had this blog? How much have I shared on it?
Everything and nothing has happened since I last posted. I am currently trying to find a place to start going to therapy. There was a little hiccup in the first place that I called but hopefully that can be fixed with a second phone call, I had to worse case of cellulitis I've ever had, school is hectic, I went on college visits, I went back to my old church and now I am currently animal sitting at someone's house. Luckily, it's not as bad as it was last year. I'll talk about each of these things one by one.
1. Cellulitis
There isn't much to say about this other than it hurt...really bad. For some reason my legs cannot fight off the infection of a bug bite. So if I were ever in a apocalypse I would probably be the first to die. It got so bad that I started to worry, it was spreading to my foot which has never happened before. Then the doctor didn't give me a strong enough antibiotic which is making the process ten times slower. What's the blessing in this? I had to force myself to sit down which would be great if I didn't have a ton of things to do. I did get to see The Big Sick with Dakota which was awesome.
2. School
Summer school is exactly like school except in a hundred degree weather.
3. College visits.
I cannot even begin to believe that I am going to be transferring soon...how did time fly by that fast? Because of this I needed to start looking at schools. I picked two colleges to look at. One was three hours away and the other was forty-five minutes. Guess which one I liked better? The one farthest away. To be honest it was exciting to be able to look at colleges. I think that I'm ready to move away and maybe it was something that I should have done sooner. I think I'm beginning to have some of the feelings that my friends started to have last year. It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time.
4. Going back to my old church.
This was my first time not going on the mission trip and it tore me up a little. I have been asking God if I should go visit the church and I kept feeling like he was saying yes and that terrified me. What would people think if I went back? What would they say? Would they just disregard the fact that I haven't been there in months and left without really saying anything? As I walked into the church people immediately began to look and people did ask questions or mentioned that they hadn't seen me in a while. I immediately regretted what I was doing and asked God why he wanted me to come. Every year the group always talks about the mission trip and I wanted to hear them. I watched as all the kids pile onto the small platform. Blair, my former youth leader was the first person to speak. He barely even began to talk before tears started to fill my eyes. When he was done speaking he went to sit in the first pew. My heart began to ache and was pulled. I felt this strong tug to go sit next to him. I practically ran down the stairs to go sit next to man who was like a second father to me. There was a big smile on his face when I sat down next to him and he put his arm around me.
"I'm so glad you're here."
It took everything in me to not burst into tears. I was with the man who told me that I could live with him if I ever needed a place to stay, the man that always reminded me that he loved me and that I had value. It felt like my heart was going to burst. I tried to listen to the stories that people told and be present in the moment. Blair told me side stories and we laughed but we mostly cried. I was crying tears of joy. I understood why God wanted me to come. As more people came forward I felt this strong sense of closure. The bitterness and sadness began to chip off of my heart and I realized that everyone was going to be okay.
"They're okay," I think. "That's all I ever wanted."
The youth group was okay and they were going to be okay in the future. They were carrying on traditions that my youth group had started, they made friendships that will last a long time and most importantly Blair was okay.
"You can let go," God tells me. "Forgive and let it go."
And that's what I did. Am I going back? No, probably not. I don't know if I could ever go back but I'm not mad anymore. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to change the minds of all those people. Maybe I wasn't meant to though. Maybe it's bigger than me and it wasn't mine to fix. Maybe it was there to teach me a lesson and move on or make me stronger for another challenge to come.
5. Animal Sitting
Right now I'm watching five dogs, two cats, a bunny and a parakeet that sounds like a banshee. It's not as horrible as it sounds. In fact I have fallen in love with one of the dogs and I am probably going to steal it.
The house also has the most incredible view in the front and back of the house. I never knew how beautiful my hometown could be. The mountains seem like they are never ending. The view outside my room shocks me every time.
That's pretty much all that's been happening.
DFTBA
-AB
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