Be Gentle With Yourself
There are days where I can handle everything.
There are days when I can handle nothing.
I need to learn to be gentle with myself on both days.
On Friday night I think I had one of the worst/longest panic attacks in my life. I knew that this was most likely going to happen since I was alone for most of the weekend. I tried to prepare myself and come up with things to do and to make sure that my mood was okay. That morning my grandmother had asked me to help her early Saturday morning and then go yardsaling with my aunts and cousins. After that panic attack though I was physically and emotionally exhausted. After drinking some water, I went to bed and hoped that I would be better in the morning.
I wasn't.
I got up though, took a shower, got dressed, ate and put a smile on my face. I was exhausted though and I think it showed. Regardless, I had a good time with my family. We talked about my great aunt Ella, who I was supposed to be named after. She was a librarian who loved lavender and had a huge library in her house. My parents ended up changing their mind last minute. Not a good choice, I'm exactly like that woman. Then we tried to find a typewriter, failed. I didn't end up getting anything but it was good to walk around and be outside.
When I got home though, I immediately changed and got into bed. I ended up having another panic attack that night. I started worrying about my hair falling out again. That's probably what started it. I didn't give myself the time that I needed to relax and it came back to haunt me. I didn't want to get out of bed on Sunday but I had to do homework that I put off because of the panic attacks. Luckily, I was able to push through for a few hours. I was mostly finished when Sid called me and we were able to talk for a long time. I so needed that. I was able to lay in bed, close my eyes and laugh. After we were done talking I had to finish my homework which took another few hours. Thank God I didn't have a panic attack on Sunday, I don't know if I could have handled that.
On Monday I didn't get out of bed at all. I didn't want to eat, shower or do anything. I did put dry shampoo in my hair. At least I did that. I used to wonder how people just laid in bed all day and didn't do anything. Now I see how they can do that. The only thing I did yesterday was talk to Sid and wrote something in my journal and slept.
I woke up this morning not feeling that great again. At this point I hadn't showered in two days and barely ate anything other than things that I could just pick up. So...healthy food. Not. Then I got on Facebook and saw something that made me start to cry.
There are days when I can handle nothing.
I need to learn to be gentle with myself on both days.
On Friday night I think I had one of the worst/longest panic attacks in my life. I knew that this was most likely going to happen since I was alone for most of the weekend. I tried to prepare myself and come up with things to do and to make sure that my mood was okay. That morning my grandmother had asked me to help her early Saturday morning and then go yardsaling with my aunts and cousins. After that panic attack though I was physically and emotionally exhausted. After drinking some water, I went to bed and hoped that I would be better in the morning.
I wasn't.
I got up though, took a shower, got dressed, ate and put a smile on my face. I was exhausted though and I think it showed. Regardless, I had a good time with my family. We talked about my great aunt Ella, who I was supposed to be named after. She was a librarian who loved lavender and had a huge library in her house. My parents ended up changing their mind last minute. Not a good choice, I'm exactly like that woman. Then we tried to find a typewriter, failed. I didn't end up getting anything but it was good to walk around and be outside.
When I got home though, I immediately changed and got into bed. I ended up having another panic attack that night. I started worrying about my hair falling out again. That's probably what started it. I didn't give myself the time that I needed to relax and it came back to haunt me. I didn't want to get out of bed on Sunday but I had to do homework that I put off because of the panic attacks. Luckily, I was able to push through for a few hours. I was mostly finished when Sid called me and we were able to talk for a long time. I so needed that. I was able to lay in bed, close my eyes and laugh. After we were done talking I had to finish my homework which took another few hours. Thank God I didn't have a panic attack on Sunday, I don't know if I could have handled that.
On Monday I didn't get out of bed at all. I didn't want to eat, shower or do anything. I did put dry shampoo in my hair. At least I did that. I used to wonder how people just laid in bed all day and didn't do anything. Now I see how they can do that. The only thing I did yesterday was talk to Sid and wrote something in my journal and slept.
I woke up this morning not feeling that great again. At this point I hadn't showered in two days and barely ate anything other than things that I could just pick up. So...healthy food. Not. Then I got on Facebook and saw something that made me start to cry.
I thought about the things that I had said to myself for the past four days. I would never say anything that I said to myself to that girl. I would have hugged her and been proud of her. I would have been gentle with her and cheered her on. Why do I never do that for myself? Why is it so hard to be proud of myself?
By the time that I read this it was halfway through the day. I got up, looked in the mirror and realized how much I needed to shower, brush my teeth, eat and do something. It did feel good to get in the shower and actually wash my hair and body. When I got out I got dressed and went to the kitchen to eat something other than a handful of chocolate chips. I made a salad and it was so weird to actually eat real food. It hit my stomach hard but I was glad to actually eat healthy food. After that I did my hair, brushed my teeth for the first time in a while and finished a book I had been reading forever.
Those are my accomplishments for today.
Will I go back to bed? Yes, probably.
Will I be nicer to myself? I will try.
Will I go outside my house tomorrow? Hopefully.
DFTBA
-AB
Comments
Post a Comment