GCC College Retreat!

     Wow. This weekend has been pretty amazing. I spent Friday evening to Sunday afternoon at
Harvey Cedars Bible Conference in New Jersey with GCC and it was such a good, relaxing, "blessing" (as they say at GCC) experience. Only at GCC do we start church at 7 P.M. and end at 1:15 A.M...after already having a several-hour service earlier that day and the night before. I know that may seem totally insane and even a little painful, but it was awesome. GCC's services aren't like any other church service I've been to before. There's so much good music and praying and the message is always so relevant and thought-provoking that the time just flies by. Even though it was past 1 A.M., I was still happy when we were doing "one more song, one more prayer". I didn't want it to end. I felt a lot of emotions this weekend. There was anger, sadness, apathy, confusion, and at the end of it all: joy. It took a lot to get there, though. Happiness and peace can be such fleeting emotions but they don't have to be. One thing that I really took away from the weekend was about judging. I didn't think I was a very judgmental person, but then I started reading a devotional before retreat and each day I became more and more aware of how often I judge other people throughout my daily life. I judge people for judging people, for heaven's sake. And I think at the core of it it's because I judge myself so constantly. That's my M.O.: criticizing myself. Looking in the mirror and thinking, "Okay, so we're gonna need to fix this, this and this." Looking at my grades and thinking, "Wow, what happened there? You dumb or something?" Looking at my life and thinking it just doesn't quite compare. I finally came to the realization this weekend that every time I look at myself and my life and think something negative, I'm basically saying, "God, your creation is ugly, flawed, and pathetic in comparison to the rest of the world." Imagine saying that to an artist about their most prized piece. That's what we do when we criticize ourselves and others. We're criticizing God's most prized possessions. Self-love is not easy. It's an uphill battle that must be fought continuously. But it's worth the fight, because when we learn to love ourselves in spite of our flaws, we in turn learn how to love others in spite of theirs.
     One of the sermons talked about putting on appearances, about how we feel the need to cover up everything while at the same time trying to convince the world that we're naturally perfect. Basically, #nofilter, completely filtered. I thought about my own appearance and my own life and how often I do that. Today after retreat I just wanted to put on some comfy clothes and sleep, which I did. After my nap, Haley, Melissa, and I went to the dining hall for dinner and I was wearing ugly sweats and no makeup and looked pretty tired and haggard and at one point Melissa told me to put my hair in a man bun and wear it like that for the rest of the night, so I did. (It's actually still in a man bun, haha). And you know, I felt more comfortable in my own skin than I have in a long time. Because I was just being weird and being me. I wasn't trying so desperately to be something, be anything for anyone else. And that's so liberating. There is freedom, there is joy in surrender. In letting go of everything that isn't meant for us, everything that isn't us and instead giving in to what should be, what we truly are. It's scary. It's hard. Boy, is it hard. And sometimes we'll fail. Some days I cling so, so hard, thinking that by clinging I'm saving myself from failure, from unhappiness, from discomfort. But the truth is there is joy in letting go. So much more joy than in clinging.
     So here's to being brave and here's to letting go and here's to falling more in love every single day.

The girls "cabin".

The dock that was right by the cabins/dining
hall.

Refresh fam girls!

Day 1159 Song Recommendation: "Real Love" by Hillsong Young & Free.

Day 1160 Song Recommendation: "River Wider" by Tall Heights.

-SE Wagner