How To Write A Romance Novel

     There is a particular melancholy that comes with walking around North Philly in the rain while listening to the Bon Iver station on Pandora and trying to imagine what's going to happen next in your cheesy romance novel. I would know because that was my day today. I finished Love & Gelato a few minutes ago. I can't remember the last time, if ever, I finished a 300+ page book in two days. Basically one day because I started yesterday afternoon and finished this afternoon. After reading Since You've Been Gone and Love & Gelato I think I now know how to write a romance novel. So here I give you....

How To Write a Romance Novel, from Someone Who Has Never Written a Romance Novel

1. Make your main character awkward and socially inept. Know your audience. You're writing to teenage girls who enjoy cheesy romance novels, which means they most likely have never actually experienced romance, and spend hours of their time alone, living vicariously through their books. They won't be able to relate to a character who's a self-confident super model.
2. Love triangles. Works like a charm every time. Especially if the main character's love interest is dating another girl and then breaks up with said girl for main character. For some reason this is seen as a valiant declaration of true love, and not cheating. I mean, I suppose it's not cheating, but. It complicates things. And yet it makes them better, when you're living vicariously. Because all of us nerdy, lonely people are just crossing our fingers, waiting for the Swedish supermodel to get dumped for the awkward American; for the Ivy League princess to get let down gently for the quiet girl no one remembers the name of.
3. There has to be a subplot, usually some type of mystery or puzzle, that the main character and her love interest can attempt to solve whilst falling in love.
4. Put your main character somewhere pretty. Like New England beach towns or the middle of Italy...
5. Similes. Analogies. Hyperbole. Metaphors. Use them all and use them often. Love is poetic, after all, isn't it? And somehow the butterflies-in-the-stomach, world-exploding, heart-hammering-against-ribs never gets old. Because you can just image that those are precisely the words to describe how something like that would feel. 
6. Dancing. This is key. Make your characters dance. Because we all love a good waltz, okay? Or a dorky sprinkler/shopping cart/moonwalk combo. And when they dance, have them dance to '50s soul jazz. I don't know who doesn't swoon for that.
7. A believable best friend. Your MC needs someone to tell her romance drama to in a realisitc way and that's exactly what a best friend is for.
8. The fight...followed by a grand profession of undying love. I don't know why this is always part of the romance genre, and honestly it annoys be because I don't see anything inherently romantic about arguing, but it seems to be a crucial element so I included it. Have your MC and her BAE fight. Like really fight. Like "there's no coming back from this" fight. (It'll usually have something to do with the love triangle (or love rectangle in some cases) and the refusal of your MC and her BAE to be forthcoming about their true feelings, leading to confusion and heartbreak). After said fighting, confusion, and heartbreak comes the profession of undying love. This can happen whilst driving in the car on the way to find your MC's long-lost best friend, or in the more traditional way of throwing euros into your MC's bedroom while she's sleeping and then having her crawl out of her bedroom window to meet said euro-throwing BAE. (Insert eye roll anywhere in that last paragraph).
9. After the profession of undying love comes the earth-shattering, gravity-defying, universe-imploding kiss, whether at a scenic overlook at sunrise or in a Tuscan cemetery in the middle of the night...equally romantic, right?
10. Just remember: there's no need to be particularly original. It's true that every story is just a retelling of some other story, and this is particularly true for love stories. Because the truth is, we all want the same things out of our love stories. We don't want heartbreak; there's enough of that. We want our happy ending. We want a quick read on a dreary, late-November week day. And we don't want to have to think too much. That's what Shakespeare is for, and you can see how miserably he failed at writing romance.

     I hoped this helped you in your romance novel writing, or at least now you'll know what to look for when you're perusing the library for your next quick, fun, heartbreak-free read. Maybe you'll consider picking up Love & Gelato. :)

Day 1102 Song Recommendation: "Waste Your Time" by Arty.

-SE Wagner