Apologies to Everyone on Bus 20...

     I need to stop thinking that I'm not going to have much to write about because as soon as I think that...I projectile vomit while riding public transportation. 

     Let's back up a bit. 

     We woke up early this morning to go to a bakery tour/bread making class in Marais (a nice neighborhood in Paris where the mayor lives). The tour was interesting and we got to make a croissant, a baguette and some other bread things I don't remember the names of. We also got to try a bunch of croissants beforehand. 

     After the bakery tour we spent an hour or so at a park and then went to a pizza place for lunch. I wasn't hungry so I got a small salad...which was actually huge and really gross. It didn't have any dressing on it; just bitter lettuce and thinly sliced carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers, and some white vegetable on top. I ate half of it though because I felt bad for not eating it even though I'd said I wasn't hungry. Then my aunt ordered tiramisu for dessert and I said I'd try some. It was pretty good. 

     When JP and I were waiting outside waiting for my aunt to pay for lunch, I first starting feel not-quite-myself. At that point, I just felt like I needed to lie down for a while. Then we went to the Monoprix which is like the French Target and my aunt got some makeup for herself and soap for JP. 

     After the Monoprix, we got on a bus to go to the "toy store alley" a couple blocks away. Walking to the bus stop from the Monoprix, I got even more not-great feeling but brushed it off because I thought it would go away if I sat down for a bit. The bus was packed though so we all had to stand and I was facing the back of the bus. After only a minute or so, a wave of nausea rushed through me and I started feeling light-headed and I was sweaty and shaky feeling and my aunt was telling me about some wall we passed that was now just an archway and I was just nodding and smiling, willing myself to make it to the toy store and then I could sit down and feel fine. My aunt finished telling me about the wall and a minute later the nausea hit so hard that I felt that like lurching feeling in my gut and I looked at my aunt and said, extremely apologetically, "I feel so sick" and she was like "Oh no. Do you need to sit? Here, turn around and face the front. Are you like carsick? Or...?" And I was like "I don't know what it is...it started before the bus..." And she was like "Should we get off? Can you make it?" And I was like "Oh yeah yeah I'll be fine" because at the time I thought I could hold it in and I knew that if we got off before our stop, we'd have to use another bus ticket to get back on and go to the toy store and one of my biggest fears is being a burden to anyone so I just tried to rationalize my way out of my need to puke. But then the bus started moving again and I knew I was going to hurl so I looked at my aunt when the bus stopped again and said "I need to get off". By then I was covering my mouth and praying that the doors would open. My aunt yelled for the driver to open the doors but I guess he couldn't hear because they didn't open and there I was, projectile vomiting green, salad-y vomit all over the floor of a Parisian bus. I had put my hand up to my mouth, as if that would keep it in, but I think that only helped to both cover my hand with puke and spew it out even further. Maybe it was just my imagination, but I'm pretty sure there was a collective intake of breath when everyone on that crowded bus realized what had happened. And all I could think was "Oh gosh. No. Please tell me I did not just do that." But alas, I had. 

     My aunt had started "Oh honey"-ing and kind women were passing packets of tissues forward and I was mopping up my vomit from my face and my hands and apologizing left and right and the doors were finally open and I was being ushered out the door, followed by the largest mass exodus at a single bus stop in all of Parisian history. We stopped on the sidewalk and I realized how great the damage was. Barf lined my right pant leg (of course I was wearing almost-white pale-pink pants) and speckled my only pair of shoes. It covered my aunt's bag of freshly-bought makeup that I'd been holding. And it smelled worse than death. 

     JP ran away, gagging and covering his nose while my aunt handed me tissues and stifled my apologies. I kept saying "I feel so awful. This is so disgusting. I'm so sorry." Then the bus driver got off and came over to us and was talking to my aunt in French (later she said that he was asking if I was okay and if he needed to call an ambulance. (What can I say? When I puke, I puke)). I thought the bus driver would take a mop out and clean the puke up but he just closed the door and drove off, vomit trickling through the cracks and onto the street...

     To say that I was mortified is the understatement of the year. I just wanted to go home and take off my vomit pants and take the world's longest shower. When we were finally cleaned up enough to start walking again, I was like "I feel so bad for everyone. I smell so bad." And JP, who had moments before ran away gagging, went up to me and put his nose against me and said I smelled fine. Bless his soul. He even wrapped his arm through my arm and then held my hand. (Although when we had finally made our way home he suggested I take a bath because it "gets the barf smell out better"). 

     We walked the rest of the way to the toy store and I stayed with our bags in the courtyard while my aunt and JP shopped. I knew that there was still barf in my aunt's bag of makeup (I have no idea how it got in there) so I took out one of the packs of tissues and started cleaning stuff up. I was practically gagging while I cleaned it up and making the worst faces and this toy shop owner came by and looked at me and when I glanced up again before he went into his store, he was still looking. 😭 

     I knew I looked and smelled atrocious and I was trying to be as inconspicuous as possible while sitting in a window sill typing out my life story on the Notes app of my phone. Sigh. 

     Then of course we took a bus home and for a second I thought I recognized the bus driver and panicked but it wasn't the same guy. I got queasy on the ride home but managed not to barf. 

     Once we got home I took a shower so long the hot water started to run out. Now I'm lying in bed in my PJs at 6PM hoping and praying I smell like soap and not throw up. 

     It's been a great day. 

Day 949 Song Recommendation: "Jealous" by Labyrinth. Thanks to MF for the song rec. 

-SE Wagner