The Last Day

     Logically, I know that I should've cried by now or felt super nostalgic and sad but all day long I've felt very...I guess just content. No highs or lows; just kind of peaceful. I kept saying that I felt "dead inside" and I guess that's kind of what it feels like but it's not an unpleasant feeling, so that's not an accurate descriptor. I think it just hasn't set in yet. Or maybe I'm more prepared for the inevitability of this than I thought I was. I watched as my teachers cried; teachers I never would have thought would cry; I watched classmates hug and take selfies and I kept thinking: "Why? It's not like we'll never see each other again." I guess that's part of it: this doesn't feel like the end because we're going to be seeing each other a lot next week with different practices and baccalaureate and actual graduation. I've been telling myself all day long "This is it. You're finished. High school is over. Everything's changing." But it just felt like any other day. A very good, fun day, but not a particularly Earth-shattering one.

     I woke up early and drove to breakfast (DL and I met at the intersection in Leitersburg on the way there for the first time. We never get there at the same time. It was very fitting). It was the last Friday youth breakfast, but again, it didn't feel that special or different. Then school happened and we had an ice cream social to sign thank you posters for our AP teachers and then we rinsed out our tie dye in chem and our chem teacher got up to say something at the end of class and I can't even remember what she said (I think something about it being truly a pleasure to have taught us) and she got teary-eyed and she was like "I can't believe I'm crying! This never happens." So I guess we're special. That's when I get a little cry-y feeling; when I consider the fact that maybe our class was/is special in some way; that what we have going for us is bigger and better than other classes, and that I won't realize how lucky I am until I get it all ripped from me. And then I push all that aside by assuring myself that every class thinks it's special; every friend group thinks theirs is the one that will last; etc. etc. but no one can know for sure. Then DL, MF, FZ, and I ate our Chipotle for lunch (mmh) and DL and I attempted to use up our money on our lunch accounts but maxed out after $8 or so and then we had one more class before senior awards. The awards ceremony flew by and soon enough I was on my way home. I did what I always do before parties; ran around like a mad woman cleaning and straightening and setting up. I don't know why, but I actually really enjoy it. It makes me happy. DL was the first to arrive and helped me put away groceries and set out food, then AP and MF came and more people started to trickle in until everyone arrived. We stood around and ate junk food for a while (I'm sorry, but I just had a flash of how pointless this blog post is, as everyone I know of who reads this blog already experienced this first-hand. Whatever, this post is for posterity) and then played volleyball for a while (which was really more just flailing around and hoping that some body part accidentally whacked the ball hard enough to hit it over the net...at least for me) but then it started raining so we went inside, played Catch Phrase, ate dinner, played Paranoia, ate dessert, then a ukulele was brought out and then a guitar...and another ukulele...and another guitar...and soon enough we were in the barn, playing ping pong and guitars and ukuleles and basketball. The original intent to have a bonfire was mostly forgotten, and that's okay. Not everything has to go as planned to go just right.
     Even though we were all hot and sweaty and dirty, it kind of felt good to just not care. To just feel like nothing else mattered in the world. No school, no stress, no worries. There are these moments when the world feels so vast; like you're just one little speck of dust, but today the world felt infinitesimally small; like the entire universe was crammed within the four walls of my dirty, dusty barn and nothing else existed. Our colleges and future plans were nonexistent; our past years of high school were gone; and all we had was each little drop of time. I know that sounds corny, but if I can't feel anything right now, at least let me be sentimental in retrospect. There was a moment after everyone left, when it was just me in my now-quiet kitchen when I actually felt a twinge of sadness creep in...and just like that it was gone. I kept waiting for the meltdown, sure that once I stopped running around and busying myself, I'd confront my emotions. But there were no emotions to confront. I couldn't feel anything but happy. Happy to have such great friends; happy to have made it to this point in my life; happy to have made so many great memories with such great people.
There's a quote from the book Flipped that goes "Some people get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss...but every once in a while, you find someone who's iridescent. And when you do, nothing will ever compare." Here's to the iridescent people in my life. You make it a truly good one.

Day 916 Song Recommendation: "Let the River In" by Dotan.

-SE Wagner