Coming To An End

Right now I'm sitting in my empty house getting nostalgic. What's new? My thoughts are in a complete jumble so don't expect this to be a beautiful piece of writing. I need to get my thoughts out. The past two weeks have been sad and stressful. I've been randomly crying and I think I've reached that point in the year where I realize that everything is going to come to an end. I realized today that my senior year journal is almost filled. Normally I finish a journal at the end of summer and the beginning of a new school year. I guess I just wanted to document everything. As I was writing I decided to look through the journal. This caused a lot of tearing up and crying. In the beginning of year I was so ready to be done. I was sad most of the time then because I didn't see any of my friends as much as I normally did and that crushed me. I was working most of the time and that was physically and emotionally draining. There were so many entries that were started and not finished because of how depressing it was. It makes me want to kick myself because I should have quit my job sooner, I should have gone to every damn football game even though I don't understand football, I should have gone to Fiona's last soccer game etc. My depression and anxiety hit me hard. I was in such a funk that I didn't leave my room most of the beginning of senior year. Then there is a total shift when I actually made an effort to be with my friends. There are many little notes from Fiona about the most random things. I am so glad that I was Tootie's aid. If I could go back in time I would have told myself to get out of bed and do those things no matter how much I didn't want to do it. I guess I can give my new found wisdom to my children one day. If they even listen to me.
Looking back at all those precious memories it didn't make me feel any better about today. It was just one of 'those' days. The drama's of high school and prom are an escape to not have to deal with what I am actually feeling. After Claire's surprise birthday party it really hit me how much time we have left.  Now I don't want it to end. Right now I want all my friends to get together at someone's house and just stay there for the rest of the year. We'll never graduate, just survive in any way that we can. Then I rationalize and then start thinking again. I think about how far away everyone is moving and it makes me feel sick. People who used to be just fifteen minutes away are now going to be hours. They are going in all different directions.
I can't go back though, I can't start high school over again and I can't relive the memories that my friends and I made together. No matter how much I want to. Time is not going to slow down. I came across this bible verse and it me hard.

This is my biggest prayer for my friends. That no matter where we go, what we do or what life brings us that we always trust that God will bless us abundantly. 

I'm gonna go cry some more.

DFTBA

-AB