What I Fear: VaughnDL

After AB posted about her fears, I went and watched the JacksGap video that she referenced, and it was really intriguing and inspiring so I went to my journal and wrote down some of my own fears. Then I saw that SE was making a post about her fears like AB had suggested, so I am going to do the same, transcribed from what I wrote in my journal. 

" First of all, my only common(ish) fears/external fears are 

1. Fire, especially house fires

2. Kidnapping

3. Parasites and centipedes of any kind

Now on to my less tangible fears. 

1. I fear people finding out my darkest secrets. I fear this so much that I've never even written them down. 

2. I fear being thought of/ perceived as a hypocrite. I've created this image of myself that I constantly fear not living up to my own standards, and people seeing that. Here's a really stupid but ever present example: I always dress uniquely and fashionably that I've gotten to the point where I feel so insecure if I wear a tshirt or sweatshirt to school because it's so unlike me that I feel like people are constantly judging me. 

3. I fear milestones. I love looking forward to things but then when they actually happen I always feel so much regret because I'll never be able to experience them for the first time ever again, and the whole specialness has worn off. I fear things like getting a book published, having my first kiss, having my wedding, etc. And not because those things are scary but because I know that once I've done them the first time I'll have nothing to look forward to. Plus I won't be perceived as pure and innocent any more and I like that image. 

4. I fear someone falling in love with me. The thought of a guy not being able to breathe when he's around me, or not being able to stop thinking about me, or trying to work up the nerve to ask me out, and wanting to kiss me or hold my hand and being nervous when he's around me scares the shit out of me, pardon the French. I am so scared that some guy is going to tell me that he can't live without me, and I'm going to have to ruin his life because there will never be a time in my life when I could possibly reciprocate those feelings for another person. I will never feel so strongly about someone get I can't live without them. I'll never need another human being in order to survive. Maybe someday I'll want a person enough to decide to share my life, but I'll never need another person, and I'll always be able to live without someone. That's just who I am, that's how I'm programmed. And I'm so unbelievably frightened that someone who is not peogrammed the same, independent way as me is going to believe he needs me to survive and I'm going to have to break his heart. That's probably my biggest fear. Or that that does happen, and I can't bring myself I break his heart so I enter into an unhappy marriage that forces me to give up my dreams because my husband's too needy or clingy and loves me too much to give me a leash to do things on my own. I'm so scared of being suffocated, so deathly afraid of my personal dreams being ruined by marriage. Maybe that's selfish but that's just the way it is, and that's why I'd sooo much rather be single. I'm also scared that God's going to call me to get married and I'm going to either follow the call out of love for God, and then resent Him for it, or that I'm going to deny the call out of my own selfishness." 

So there are my biggest fears. I'm sure I have more that I just couln't conjure to mind when I was writing I my journal the other day, but the ones I listed are my biggest fears. And you know it does feel kind of strange and vulnerable to admit all of those fears, because I've never really said them out loud before. I guess that's kind of the point of this though, to sort of set yourself free by admitting what you're truly scared of. 

-VaughnDL