Hug Your Mamma
Friday night I had a nightmare, and when I woke up from the fear, there were literally tears pouring down my cheeks that must have started flowing while I was still mid-dream. In my dream, my mother had heart problems, and eventually died of a heart attack, and my brother and I were sitting in the living room solemnly discussing her death. I remember distinctly saying "I'll never be able to talk to her again!" thinking of those lazy, winding car rides my Mom and I take every now and then, on the way to the mall or the grocery store. During those drives is when we pour out our deepest thoughts to each other. Another thing I remember saying or thinking in my nightmare was this "The times that I remind myself of my mother are the times when I'm acting selfless, or strong."
I don't know what brought this dream on, but it was the worst dream I've ever had. When I woke with tears on my face, I couldn't get back to sleep, I kept thinking about how I take everything for granted, but that dream made me see how utterly horrible things would be if I lost my mother. And I thought about all the books I've read where a character doesn't have a mom or a dad and people are always saying "Oh I'm so sorry" and the character's response is usually "Yeah well, it was a long time ago. I've gotten over it." I can't imagine ever getting over something that tragic. I tend to dwell on things longer than I should after they're gone. If I lost my mother, I would be in so much pain for so long. And the instant the pain started to recede, I would probably think to myself "Why doesn't it hurt as bad anymore? That must mean I don't love her anymore!" and then the pain would start up again, ten times worse, because of my own anger at myself for losing the original pain of loss. I know this way of dwelling on things is not healthy. I've already been through something similar on a very smaller scale.
I had a friend in elementary school who at the time I put on a pedestal and thought was the greatest person ever and felt so lucky that she had deemed me and my group of friends worthy to be friends with. Then around 6th or 7th grade, she found new friends, more popular, more interesting, and I'd never been hurt so bad as I was then. My other friends were hurt too, but for some reason i think I took it the hardest. For years I swore to myself that she would come back one day, simply because of my sheer will power to love her from afar and never ever forget the wonderful times we had together. But then before we entered 9th grade, she moved away completely to a different city somewhere, and that was probably the best thing she could have done. I finally had to look the situation in the face and realize that no matter how much I loved her, she would never come back and we would never be friends again. And the instant I realized that, I started to recall all the cracks in the metaphorical pedestal I had put her on. Things that she had said or done that at the time I had thought were funny, I now saw that they were just cruel. And back then I had been so eager to please her that I didn't realize that she was somewhat of a tyrant, and bossy. In my heart deep down I still love her and don't regret the time we had together, but now I'm just over it and I'm glad to have moved on.
But back to my nightmare. While it shocked me and scared me and made me really paranoid and sad, it also had some serious wisdom in it. Like when I woke up and thought about the stuff I had said/thought in my dream, I really had to be amazed at my sleeping self. I realized that the simplest things that I share with my Mom like simply talking to her about my day are the most special things I have with her, and the things I would miss the most if she were to pass. And when I said "The times that I reminds myself of my mother are the times when I'm acting selfless and strong", I never really thought of that before, but it's so true. For example, at church we do this thing where if we have a prayer request, we raise our hand during the prayer service and say it out loud, and for a grown adult, this is no big deal, but every time I have something that I really want to say, I usually just keep it to myself because it's too scary to say it out loud to everyone, but the other week I really wanted to mention the fact that Emma accepted Christ and pray for her during the church service, and even though my hands were shaking and I was really nervous about saying it out loud, I did it anyway, and I remember thinking "that's exactly how my Mom would have said it." And then instead of the preacher lifting up all the prayer requests to God, he said "Now instead of me praying, anyone who mentioned a request can say it during an open prayer and then I'll close." So not only had I had to say it out loud once, I had to actually pray it out loud during the prayer too! So once again I was super nervous and shaky and was trying to decide when I could get my prayer in amongst all the other people praying, but finally I did, saying something like "Thank you for my friend Emma and the wonderful choice she made for her life" and once again I thought "Wow, that sounded just like how my Mom would say it!" It was so weird, but also kind of cool.
Anyway, my dream was horrible, and as soon as I woke up the next morning, I told my Mom about it and gave her a big hug, and then I felt a lot better. So for everyone out there reading this, as soon as you're done, go hug your Mom!!!
Movie Recommendation: Now You See Me. My brother insisted that I see this movie, so we rented it from RedBox after church today and watched it together. It was good-- a bit confusing, and I kind of predicted a lot of it, and the action scenes were kind of boring ( I hate action scenes. They're always the same) But the premise of the story was really interesting, and there were a lot of cool plot points and magic tricks!
-VaughnDL
I don't know what brought this dream on, but it was the worst dream I've ever had. When I woke with tears on my face, I couldn't get back to sleep, I kept thinking about how I take everything for granted, but that dream made me see how utterly horrible things would be if I lost my mother. And I thought about all the books I've read where a character doesn't have a mom or a dad and people are always saying "Oh I'm so sorry" and the character's response is usually "Yeah well, it was a long time ago. I've gotten over it." I can't imagine ever getting over something that tragic. I tend to dwell on things longer than I should after they're gone. If I lost my mother, I would be in so much pain for so long. And the instant the pain started to recede, I would probably think to myself "Why doesn't it hurt as bad anymore? That must mean I don't love her anymore!" and then the pain would start up again, ten times worse, because of my own anger at myself for losing the original pain of loss. I know this way of dwelling on things is not healthy. I've already been through something similar on a very smaller scale. I had a friend in elementary school who at the time I put on a pedestal and thought was the greatest person ever and felt so lucky that she had deemed me and my group of friends worthy to be friends with. Then around 6th or 7th grade, she found new friends, more popular, more interesting, and I'd never been hurt so bad as I was then. My other friends were hurt too, but for some reason i think I took it the hardest. For years I swore to myself that she would come back one day, simply because of my sheer will power to love her from afar and never ever forget the wonderful times we had together. But then before we entered 9th grade, she moved away completely to a different city somewhere, and that was probably the best thing she could have done. I finally had to look the situation in the face and realize that no matter how much I loved her, she would never come back and we would never be friends again. And the instant I realized that, I started to recall all the cracks in the metaphorical pedestal I had put her on. Things that she had said or done that at the time I had thought were funny, I now saw that they were just cruel. And back then I had been so eager to please her that I didn't realize that she was somewhat of a tyrant, and bossy. In my heart deep down I still love her and don't regret the time we had together, but now I'm just over it and I'm glad to have moved on. But back to my nightmare. While it shocked me and scared me and made me really paranoid and sad, it also had some serious wisdom in it. Like when I woke up and thought about the stuff I had said/thought in my dream, I really had to be amazed at my sleeping self. I realized that the simplest things that I share with my Mom like simply talking to her about my day are the most special things I have with her, and the things I would miss the most if she were to pass. And when I said "The times that I reminds myself of my mother are the times when I'm acting selfless and strong", I never really thought of that before, but it's so true. For example, at church we do this thing where if we have a prayer request, we raise our hand during the prayer service and say it out loud, and for a grown adult, this is no big deal, but every time I have something that I really want to say, I usually just keep it to myself because it's too scary to say it out loud to everyone, but the other week I really wanted to mention the fact that Emma accepted Christ and pray for her during the church service, and even though my hands were shaking and I was really nervous about saying it out loud, I did it anyway, and I remember thinking "that's exactly how my Mom would have said it." And then instead of the preacher lifting up all the prayer requests to God, he said "Now instead of me praying, anyone who mentioned a request can say it during an open prayer and then I'll close." So not only had I had to say it out loud once, I had to actually pray it out loud during the prayer too! So once again I was super nervous and shaky and was trying to decide when I could get my prayer in amongst all the other people praying, but finally I did, saying something like "Thank you for my friend Emma and the wonderful choice she made for her life" and once again I thought "Wow, that sounded just like how my Mom would say it!" It was so weird, but also kind of cool.
Anyway, my dream was horrible, and as soon as I woke up the next morning, I told my Mom about it and gave her a big hug, and then I felt a lot better. So for everyone out there reading this, as soon as you're done, go hug your Mom!!! Movie Recommendation: Now You See Me. My brother insisted that I see this movie, so we rented it from RedBox after church today and watched it together. It was good-- a bit confusing, and I kind of predicted a lot of it, and the action scenes were kind of boring ( I hate action scenes. They're always the same) But the premise of the story was really interesting, and there were a lot of cool plot points and magic tricks!
-VaughnDL
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